to think there should be a written code telling you what you do if you go for a smear?

[2shoes]

Have to book one so got me thinking how bloody awkward they are, no matter how many time s I have had it done, I still am never sure what to do.
I am told to go behind the screen and take my clothes off...........
so you take your jeans and pants of, then what, stand there or hop on bed?
so you hop on bed and try not to fall asleep, what do you do with your legs.....

oh and the fave mn question, do you take your socks off??

the list goes on

Wear a skirt! Much nicer. Keep legs together until asked to flop. Nobody sees your bottom.

I used to do a lot of smears, the thing I cared about was sweaty fannies. How long does it take to wipe a flannel over your flaps?
I did laugh when I had to do one on a young lady with several piericings. I really didn't want to get the speculum caught up.

I've been putting mine off since July, twill be my first one... I promise to do it....soon...

I still shudder at reolletion of my first ever smear, aged 19. Told to strip from waist down and get on the bed. I did, then nurse got alled off to do something urgent. "Won't be long," she said. After a couple of mins I realised I was lying there, hald naked, with naked bits facing the door which was visible from the waiting room. So I grabbed a handy blanket and spread it over me while I waited, just in case someone came into the room by mistake or whatever. Five mins later nurse ame in an gave me a right telling off for overing myself up. Basically told me I was fussy and stupid and that she'd seen it all before. Well she might have done, but I really didn't want half the waiting room (student doctors, so plenty of young men) getting a surprise view!

sweaty. fannies.

people are mad aren't they, completely and utterly STARK STARING MAD. What must they think "oh, I'm going to have a smear today, shall I make sure my fanny is nice and clean? NAH, Fuck it, I have washed since last thursday but it'll be OK, fannies don't get dirty, like faces, do they?

TA-DA! Look at my dirty minge."

NO SHAME.

Never take socks off, never trim. (FFS, don't even trim for my handsome swain most of the time)

What I find difficult is where to put the bits I've taken off, I usually end up either dropping them on the floor (in which case nursery trips over them and gives my earholes a swipe with the speculum instead of my nethers) or I leave them on the edge of the bed thing and end up sqwodged against the wall.

What I do know, (because nurse told me last time) is never to say to nurse "bet you hate doing these don't you?" because everyone says it.....

DH has also been invited for a smear, what is the procedure for men?

what now?

Well, a man (IMO) certainly wouldn't be worrying about his socks. I've yet to meet one who doesn't need telling to get them off before he sets (bare) feet into my boudoir.

but how can a man have a smear? they don't have the necessary equipment.

Does Suzy mean that her H is going to have something up his bum looked at or felt or something. Because I don't think they use speculums for that and he won't have to lie down, he'll just have to bend over.

have to admit to going to family planning clinic(or whatever it is now called for mine) as I feel odd going to the doctors and the nurse doing it. odd I know

Suzie, is he having his prostate checked? He can't have a cervix (unless he's that gender reasignment individual from the States). If he has told you he is having a smear, he is a liar.

All surgeries should introduce what ours does. They have a no talking policy for the comfort of patients. So once you're in reception, you have to demonstrate why you're there through the medium of mime.

In the case of smears, it's like a rehearsal for the real thing. That's the thing with smears though, unless your sexual predilections are on the wrong side of niche, you don't get to practise much.

oh this thread has made me laugh!! I clearly don't worry enough about these things, just assume well, they do this every day - several times the nurse has had to draw my attention to the "modesty blanket" of tissue paper supplied to maintain my dignity

And last time I had an internal sonography I was invited to put the scope in myself - was rather surprised! but it was definitely the easiest and most unthreatening way of doing it in retrospect.

My favourite smear story happened to a friend of my mums. In her determination not to have sweaty flaps after the long walk to the doctors in the summer, she hastily sprayed her bits with what she thought was anti-perspirant. As if this wasn't misguided enough, the nurse commented "er...festive" when she looked at her. When she checked afterwards, she had picked up her DDs glitter hairspray instead of anti-perspirant.

I had lots of instructions when I had an internal ultrasound - tilt pelvis up, put hands clenched as fists under bottom, hold there - it was like some sort of strange pilates class

DH has been invited to attend for a smear at the well woman clinic (honest, not joking, I saw the invite). I worry that our records at the doctors are not entirely accurate.

He isnt keen to attend strangely enough.

Toddlerama, I have heard a similar story. A woman's young DD came home from a party very tired. The DD had been wearing glittery make-up and because she was so tired the mother simply grabbed a flannel and wiped the glitter off before sending her to bed.

The next day she had a smear test and, wanting to avoid sweaty flaps she thought she should have a quick wipe to freshen up. She grabbed the nearest flannel for this. Her smear was done by her GP who said "well we have made an effort haven't we". She had no idea what he was talking about until she next went to the toilet, wiped, and wandered why the toilet paper looked glittery.

Suzie

I think you should point out to him just how important it is to keep up-to-date with cervical smears and MAKE HIM GO.

Ideally, wear a dress or skirt and no tights or socks. The skirt should have a pocket large enough to stow your undies.

Easy

I was given a very nice leaflet at my Dr's surgery with everything you need to know about smear tests. The one bit it left out was what actually happens! It said a smaple is taken and some women find it unpleasant and that was that. Nowhere did it tell you what to actually expect i.e knickers off, lie on your back, legs akimbo,nurse puts rubber gloves on, cranks you open with an ice cold vice, sticks a lolly up your fanjo, and in my case, tells me she can't see my cervix.

I just thought what is the point of this comprehensive leaflet if it doesn't tell you what the test actually involves?

Fair enough, I will advise DH to wear a skirt.

Strangely I dont get invited for smear tests. Perhaps they will be inviting me for a prostate test in the fullness of time.

LOL at the ice-cold vice - like sex with the Tin Man (think that was Allison Pearson but never mind).

Watched the film Bruno last night, didn't think it was hilarious but I did laugh when he was having his anus waxed and bleached [bleurgh emoticon] at a salon called "Pink Cheeks".

I went to an Ann Summers party once, where the sales woman was obviously v uncomfortable talking about sex and she went on about how the crotchless knickers were a real godsend when it came to smear tests!

Hehehe this made me giggle, it reminds me of a story a friend told me where she errrrrm how to put this........ popped from the front regions when the speculum was taken out!!! hahahaha apparently neither her or the doctor made any comment at all and she just dressed as quick as she could and ran out of there.