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Original poster

How to help an alcoholic who doesn't think they have a problem

103 replies

Moshmoshi12 · 20/07/2026 20:53

I think my DH is an alcoholic. He has drunk 2-4 beers/ciders every night since I have known him- 25 years.

As we got into our 30s and had children I regularly expressed concern that he drak over the recommended amount and how he was at risk of becoming alcohol dependent. Hi dad was an alcoholic and died in his 50s as a result of the side effects.

In the last 3-4 years he has started drinking gin - neat and with mixers. At first I wasn't too concerned as it would just be a drink at night and I like gin.However I have caught him 3 times now hiding gin in the garage and drinking there. The first couple of times were about two years ago- I lost the plot but he just shit down - I did thought get him to agree to cut down on his drinking.

A couple of weeks ago I found 3 bottles of gin in the garage- one nearly full and the others pretty much empty. He claimed that they had bn there ages- I don't believe him but got nowhere asking him to stop lying to me. I made him pour away all the gin including a couple of bottles that were in the kitchen. He still didn't see that there was a problem- saying it was a waste of money to pour it away. I begged him to completely stop drinking spirits.

Since then I have had strong suspicions that he has still drinking gin- smell/taste on breath too many trips to the garage etc. Anyway I was away this weekend and my adult DD spoke to me concerned about her dad's drinking- lots of cans of cider and neat gin- she said there was a nearly empty bottle im the kitchen before i got home yesterday that was now gone- there was also a full one. I went to garage and found the nearly empty one. Have emptied both bottles down the sink and thrown them away.ive also messaged him and am waiting for him to come from work (in a pub - ha!) What should I say/do? Should I get rid of all the cider as well- about 10 cans- and insist on no alcohol at all in the house?

About 2 years ago when the secret drinking happened I threatened to leave him if he carried on. I don't want us to split up though- I just want him to stop drinking.

He's also beginning to have some health issues that are almost certainly drink related. Long story but after forcing him to get tests his iron is raised and a scan shows some fat on his liver. I am so upset he has carried on drinking -it feels like he doesn't care about his health and his drinking is beginning to affect our children- the eldest now but the others are teens and not stupid.

I know there's not an easy answer but I really don't know what to do- right now after finding out he's drinking gin again and longer term. Just previewed this and it is so long! Thanks for bearing with me if you made it to the end.

OP posts:
Sicario · 22/07/2026 11:01

You have every right to be furious. He has deliberately punished you and the kids by disappearing and insinuating that he will self-harm.

Reporting to the police was exactly the right thing to do.

I would not have him back in the house after a move like that. His actions have told you everything you need to know.

Alcoholics ruin lives, not only their own, but those of anyone who gets sucked into their orbit.

Protect yourself. Protect your children. He won't change.

Original poster
Moshmoshi12 · 22/07/2026 11:09

I think is quite harsh @Sicario- he is not a bad person. Alcoholics can get sober if they want to.

If he comes home, admits there is a problem and gets help I would want to support him and stay married. I think he also needs to get help for his mental health too. I don't think I can stay in the marriage in any other circumstances though.

I have a horrible feeling though that things might not work out like that- he will either want to leave as he is fed up of my nagging or controlling or he will want to stay and deny there is any problems.

OP posts:
SummitWrong · 22/07/2026 11:59

@Moshmoshi12 there is the potential middle ground option of he accepts he needs help, you remain married and support him, but he temporarily lives elsewhere, protect you and your children during that interim.

I hope he is found and is safe. Prepare yourself for him to return and his stance be "see, you were worried, so you didn't want me to leave after all", not because hes a bad person, but because hes an addict and addicts can be very manipulative.

TheNewFinch · 22/07/2026 12:25

Moshmoshi12 · 20/07/2026 20:53

I think my DH is an alcoholic. He has drunk 2-4 beers/ciders every night since I have known him- 25 years.

As we got into our 30s and had children I regularly expressed concern that he drak over the recommended amount and how he was at risk of becoming alcohol dependent. Hi dad was an alcoholic and died in his 50s as a result of the side effects.

In the last 3-4 years he has started drinking gin - neat and with mixers. At first I wasn't too concerned as it would just be a drink at night and I like gin.However I have caught him 3 times now hiding gin in the garage and drinking there. The first couple of times were about two years ago- I lost the plot but he just shit down - I did thought get him to agree to cut down on his drinking.

A couple of weeks ago I found 3 bottles of gin in the garage- one nearly full and the others pretty much empty. He claimed that they had bn there ages- I don't believe him but got nowhere asking him to stop lying to me. I made him pour away all the gin including a couple of bottles that were in the kitchen. He still didn't see that there was a problem- saying it was a waste of money to pour it away. I begged him to completely stop drinking spirits.

Since then I have had strong suspicions that he has still drinking gin- smell/taste on breath too many trips to the garage etc. Anyway I was away this weekend and my adult DD spoke to me concerned about her dad's drinking- lots of cans of cider and neat gin- she said there was a nearly empty bottle im the kitchen before i got home yesterday that was now gone- there was also a full one. I went to garage and found the nearly empty one. Have emptied both bottles down the sink and thrown them away.ive also messaged him and am waiting for him to come from work (in a pub - ha!) What should I say/do? Should I get rid of all the cider as well- about 10 cans- and insist on no alcohol at all in the house?

About 2 years ago when the secret drinking happened I threatened to leave him if he carried on. I don't want us to split up though- I just want him to stop drinking.

He's also beginning to have some health issues that are almost certainly drink related. Long story but after forcing him to get tests his iron is raised and a scan shows some fat on his liver. I am so upset he has carried on drinking -it feels like he doesn't care about his health and his drinking is beginning to affect our children- the eldest now but the others are teens and not stupid.

I know there's not an easy answer but I really don't know what to do- right now after finding out he's drinking gin again and longer term. Just previewed this and it is so long! Thanks for bearing with me if you made it to the end.

A therapy could be provided to them in which the dangers and life risks can be explained to the individual so it slowly settles in their mind and they start to get away from it.

Victorius19 · 22/07/2026 12:42

If his liver isn't working well OP (and given his length of intake it's highly likely), he may well be showing signs of hepatic encephalopathy. This can really affect your mood, personality and decision making as his liver isn't filtering all the toxins out of his blood. When he's found, I would really insist he's checked over medically. And are the Police aware of his condition?

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/alcohol-related-liver-disease-arld/

Sicario · 22/07/2026 13:06

He has already shown you that he is manipulative and abusive. The disappearing act was deliberately intended to cause maximum worry and drama.

If he has self-harmed, and I sincerely hope he has not, then he would need to be sectioned. Either way, there are serious consequences to his actions.

Original poster
Moshmoshi12 · 22/07/2026 13:17

Victorius19 · 22/07/2026 12:42

If his liver isn't working well OP (and given his length of intake it's highly likely), he may well be showing signs of hepatic encephalopathy. This can really affect your mood, personality and decision making as his liver isn't filtering all the toxins out of his blood. When he's found, I would really insist he's checked over medically. And are the Police aware of his condition?

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/alcohol-related-liver-disease-arld/

The police are aware of his drinking. I don't know how well his liver is working as I haven't been to the doctor's or the scan with him. He definitely has some of those symptoms though- tiredness, losing weight, loss of appetite. I have done everything I can to try and get him to take his health seriously, all I can do is hope that this is a wake up call for humans He decides to get help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moshmoshi12 · 22/07/2026 13:21

SummitWrong · 22/07/2026 11:59

@Moshmoshi12 there is the potential middle ground option of he accepts he needs help, you remain married and support him, but he temporarily lives elsewhere, protect you and your children during that interim.

I hope he is found and is safe. Prepare yourself for him to return and his stance be "see, you were worried, so you didn't want me to leave after all", not because hes a bad person, but because hes an addict and addicts can be very manipulative.

This middle ground option would probably be for the best- we're pretty tight for cash but he could stay with a relative nearby - it all needs to come from him though. I haven't felt so helpless and out of control since I was a child.

OP posts:
DierdreDaphne · 22/07/2026 13:35

You are helpless to control him..But you are not helpless to take steps to protect yourself, your dcs, and the family finances.. It's obviously hugely daunting. But his behaviour is now either highly disordered or, frankly, abusive. Which I think makes your obligations and your path, clearer, sadly

Mischance · 22/07/2026 13:42

How did he get to wherever he might be camping? He truly should not be behind the wheel of a car.

MyDarlingRose · 22/07/2026 14:13

weddingbellaa · 20/07/2026 22:41

Let me know when you find the answer.

My DH drinks 5-10 cans of 4% lager a night and a bottle of vodka (has with coke) lasts 4-7 days.

He stinks every morning and it makes him moody and snappy.

He would rather lose me than the drink.

He Says he hasn’t got a problem though and I am ott.

Safe maximum intake is 14 units a week. Your DH drinks 70-140 just in the beer… how can he deny that’s an issue??

MyDarlingRose · 22/07/2026 14:18

noscotlandnoparty · 21/07/2026 14:54

Very difficult one - you have to want to stop and by wanting to stop, you have to admit there is a problem. That is scary, because admitting there is a problem opens the floodgates. He probably can't face a life without alcohol. This is because it is an addictive substance and he is hooked.

I gave up drinking 18 months ago. I will never drink again. But, it had to come from me.

When I told my husband what I was doing he said he had been worried about me and the levels I was drinking. If he had said so at the time, or given me an ultimatum, I would never have forgiven him.

I know that may sound crazy and that your motivation is one of concern, but it is individual and he needs to want to stop. First he needs to believe that he is in danger - you say 8 units a night, that is 56 units a week, while it sounds appalling, believe me, it is not that high for many.

If it was me in your position, I would ask him to read about the damaging effects of alcohol. For himself. If he agrees to that, then it is a massive step. Start with William Porter - "Alcohol explained". Get it on audio and listen to it together. That will plant the seed - so many times we are told alcohol is fine, everyone drinks....it is not fine. It is an addictive poison that kills people. Plant that seed and it should start the ball rolling. He can't stop at the moment. He knows he can't.

Sobriety is wonderful. He needs to make the transition himself. You are entitled to walk away. Of course you are. That is your decision to make. Giving him an ultimatum is futile - in my opinion. He is not in a place where he can just stop. He has an addiction for one, and no matter how many bottles your pour down the sink, it won't make any difference. It is not that easy.

I wish you the best of luck. As others have said, get help in your own right.

Oppositionally, my husband said that he loved me but wasn’t sure he wanted to be with me anymore if I continued to drink and cause issues, he cried. And I decided I wanted to stay married to him and make him proud, not embarrassed of me.

He is what caused me to stop. If I’d have been single I’d still be drinking now. But it still came from me… because I made the decision that I loved him more than alcohol.

wizzler · 22/07/2026 14:19

In my experience I tried to refer my brother for Mental Health support but they wouldn’t help unless he referred himself and stopped drinking. Neither happened. I remember how powerless I felt to help him.
its really tough, there is support to help him stop but he has to want to

Strangerthanfiction123 · 22/07/2026 14:40

SILs husband was same, she stayed, he ended up in hospital and died slowly, 3 kids, no insurance, 46, he loved her and kids but couid not stop. Naltrexone is the best treatment if he will try. But get him out.

Penguinsandspaniels · 22/07/2026 15:18

He is playing mind games with you.

make you feel worried And guilty

you did the right thing contacting police

if he went by car they will be able to track via cameras a rough area

do you have find my iPhone etc

Ponderingwindow · 22/07/2026 15:31

there Is a certain selfishness that goes with alcoholism. Disappearing in a melodramatic way gets him attention and makes you feel the pain he feels.

It’s not necessarily a calculated behavior on his end, it’s just instinctual. He is like a child lashing out.

PetulaGordeno · 22/07/2026 15:47

Ponderingwindow · 22/07/2026 15:31

there Is a certain selfishness that goes with alcoholism. Disappearing in a melodramatic way gets him attention and makes you feel the pain he feels.

It’s not necessarily a calculated behavior on his end, it’s just instinctual. He is like a child lashing out.

Had to deal with around someone close to me. It has included many a dash by loved ones around the nation, on motorways, trains….
In the end everyone just gets worn out..

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 22/07/2026 15:53

My dad is also an alcoholic and sometimes he is able to recognise it so he stops drinking for a few days as proof he doesn’t have a problem. Then he’s able to drink 4-6cans of strong beer per night reassured he doesn’t have a problem.

Your DH is drinking in secret so he knows it’s a problem. If he didn’t think it was he’d do it out in the open. You can continue to live as you are, or you can split. You’re not going to be able to force him to address it. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s rubbish.

Penguinsandspaniels · 22/07/2026 16:19

Mine did the same. Went to beachy head and sat on ledge sending me photos of him

then later a selfie of him and some old woman he saw walking her dog

Victorius19 · 23/07/2026 18:21

How are things, @Moshmoshi12 - hoping you're OK.

Original poster
Moshmoshi12 · 25/07/2026 22:38

Very long story but he's back, in a bit of denial but has mental health and alcohol referral so am really hoping he engages with them. If he doesn't it will be the end of our marriage as I can't put myself (or the kids now) through this kind of stress anymore. I have tried to explain this calmly without it sounding like a threat/ultimatum but think this is how he sees it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moshmoshi12 · 25/07/2026 22:42

Thanks for the advice and support that I've had on this thread. I probably won't post again as if things don't work out it seems to be a very typical story and I'm still 50% hopeful he will take this chance to turn things around for himself (and us.) This has thread has really helped me clarify my boundaries- I don't want to lose my DH or split my family up but I am prepared to do that if I need to to protect us- my own mental health can't take any more!

OP posts:
deeahgwitch · 26/07/2026 08:37

I do hope it’s a wake up call for him and he will get the help needed to change his ways @Moshmoshi12 and your life with him improves.

Rocknrollstar · 26/07/2026 09:03

Itshotinherebutainttakingoffmyclothes · 20/07/2026 20:55

You can’t. You can only look after yourself and your children.

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it

If he doesn’t think he has a problem there is nothing you can do. You can join Al-Anon for support and stay with him or you can leave/ chuck him out. Alcoholics only stop, sometimes, if they reach rock bottom and that is far lower than anything you have ever seen.