How to help an alcoholic who doesn't think they have a problem

[Moshmoshi12]

I think my DH is an alcoholic. He has drunk 2-4 beers/ciders every night since I have known him- 25 years.

As we got into our 30s and had children I regularly expressed concern that he drak over the recommended amount and how he was at risk of becoming alcohol dependent. Hi dad was an alcoholic and died in his 50s as a result of the side effects.

In the last 3-4 years he has started drinking gin - neat and with mixers. At first I wasn't too concerned as it would just be a drink at night and I like gin.However I have caught him 3 times now hiding gin in the garage and drinking there. The first couple of times were about two years ago- I lost the plot but he just shit down - I did thought get him to agree to cut down on his drinking.

A couple of weeks ago I found 3 bottles of gin in the garage- one nearly full and the others pretty much empty. He claimed that they had bn there ages- I don't believe him but got nowhere asking him to stop lying to me. I made him pour away all the gin including a couple of bottles that were in the kitchen. He still didn't see that there was a problem- saying it was a waste of money to pour it away. I begged him to completely stop drinking spirits.

Since then I have had strong suspicions that he has still drinking gin- smell/taste on breath too many trips to the garage etc. Anyway I was away this weekend and my adult DD spoke to me concerned about her dad's drinking- lots of cans of cider and neat gin- she said there was a nearly empty bottle im the kitchen before i got home yesterday that was now gone- there was also a full one. I went to garage and found the nearly empty one. Have emptied both bottles down the sink and thrown them away.ive also messaged him and am waiting for him to come from work (in a pub - ha!) What should I say/do? Should I get rid of all the cider as well- about 10 cans- and insist on no alcohol at all in the house?

About 2 years ago when the secret drinking happened I threatened to leave him if he carried on. I don't want us to split up though- I just want him to stop drinking.

He's also beginning to have some health issues that are almost certainly drink related. Long story but after forcing him to get tests his iron is raised and a scan shows some fat on his liver. I am so upset he has carried on drinking -it feels like he doesn't care about his health and his drinking is beginning to affect our children- the eldest now but the others are teens and not stupid.

I know there's not an easy answer but I really don't know what to do- right now after finding out he's drinking gin again and longer term. Just previewed this and it is so long! Thanks for bearing with me if you made it to the end.

I've known 3 in my life

My darling grandad started drinking-as a child i found hidden bottles (both full and empty) around the house (I lived with him)

I was too young to know what the problem was,(i would have been around 9/10) but one day (while I was at school) he was sat drinking whisky and suddenly thought 'I'm going to lose her if I carry on'

He tipped the rest down his sink,got help and never touched another drop until the day he died (he was open about this and I was just glad I got my grandad back)

My fil drank heavily all his life but did curb it a bit as he got older (about the time I came along)

If I'd been my mil,I would have left him but times where different and she had nowhere to go (much less with two kids in tow)

He died of cancer and as much as mil loved her husband of 50 years,she's finding life a lot better because she's not having to deal with him drunk/his moods

The other is my ex

He came from a family of drinkers and didn't want to stop as he didn't think there was a problem

He thought nothing of hitting me,stealing money,smashing up my home and just being a twat while pissed

I walked away,I had no choice as only he could stop and he didn't want to

Last I heard,he's lost everything bar his flat (his friends,his health,his job-everything) and that's only a matter of time before he gets slung out

His family don't see the problem as this is their normal-they are the life and soul at parties/beer gardens/quiet night at home,always with a drink in hand (his mother and sister will only take jobs at pubs,such is the pull of booze)

He has to stop drinking or he will die but he's not my problem anymore

He's got an issue for sure.

No one - I repeat no one - hides their alcohol unless they need to hide how much they're drinking.

I hid it behind the headboard, in the wardrobe, back of the kitchen cupboard. Easily and quickly reached for slug to keep me topped up.

There is light at the end of the tunnel if he can get there, I'm sober 7 years nearly.

But your whole post screams of a relience on alcohol. And the tricky part is like all drugs, you build tolerance, so you need more to get you to the sweet spot. The move from Beer to Gin was the first sign, the hiding was second.

Do you ever feel tempted? How do you manage social events?

I can't say I have no.

I do not enjoy spending time around very drunk people (slurring/staggering) and would tend to remove myself if it gets to that point, but people I socialise with don't. Otherwise I enjoy my water or fancy mocktail knowing I'm not going to make a twat of myself, not going to say something stupid, knowing that I'll feel great in the morning and enjoy the next day to it's fullest, and I'm out here living my best life and being the best version of myself I could be.

I was ill before I stopped. Sobriety was like being handed back my life and a version of myself I never knew existed. I'm not giving that back for a drink. Fuck that.

I'm so sorry OP, this is a dreadfully sad situation for all of you..

It sounds like he's deep in denial. No one is drinking neat gin because they enjoy it. He honestly may not know why he's drinking. It's answering a need in him, or making life more bearable somehow, but he may not understand it himself

I wish you the best of luck. Completely agree with others that you can only control your own life and protect yourself and your children. His addiction is down to him to confront, or not

@Moshmoshi12
I’m so sorry you are going through this. You are doing the right thing for yourself and your children by getting away from this man and moving on. Nothing you do will make any difference to him, unless he decides for himself to change.
My dad is lost to alcohol. My mum is still with him, but alcohol has robbed her of her happy retirement, just as surely as it has robbed my father of his health, his joy, even the essence of who he was as a person.
It has affected me as their child, but also my own kids, through me and my difficulties in dealing with my dad. I spent years trying to help: going over there, searching the house and then pouring spirits away, recommending meetings/books etc, begging him to change, searching for him went he went awol and we thought he’d killed himself. I went with him to meetings. None of it made the tiniest bit of difference. All he cares about is alcohol and his next dose of it.
Get away and move on. Leave him to it.

Ask him what he thinks of his drinking, if he says its fine then hes in denial and not ready to change. Definitely contact al anon.

So after ignoring my messages all day he sent a text saying bye- hasn't replied phone going to answerphone no answer on WhatsApp I can see he is at home on life360. I am ao worried I am my way home but won't be there for about an hour

Hugely manipulative. Get ready for the suicide threats.
I am sorry that now and again they are carried out. If you have been genuinely suicidal then I’ve been there - it’s awful.
But the ‘bye’ text tends to be a way of threatening its truly manipulative.

As others have said you can’t. My mother has been an alcoholic for over 20 years, she swears blue murder she isn’t. She used to hide the alcohol and would pour it in her coffee. My dad tried everything, he would even go to all the local shops and beg them not to serve her. Nothing has worked. My dad is now just her carer.

who owns the house? If it’s his or joint, it may not be as simple as telling him to leave, as he is entitled to stay there. It is tough, I agree.

You can't help an alcoholic who does not want to be helped. I speak from experience.

If they dont see the problem they arent going to stop. My boyfriend used to easily drink 12 cans a night and would drink as soon as he woke up. I left and told him I couldn't watch another person I love die from drinking. We stopped talking for about 6 months, out of the blue he messaged me saying hes changed. And he has, he still drinks but no where near as much as he used too. I still worry that he'll go back to his old ways but sometimes they need to lose the person they love to see the problem

You can just phone Al Anon. You don't have to go to meetings.

dont get your hopes up that he has genuinely left op

look after yourself

I'm surprised he doesn't have much more damage than a bit of fat on his liver. He's lucky in that if he reduces or stops it could still repair.

The issue is that you said you'd leave if he secretly drank gin but you didn't. Now he has seen your ultimatum isn't genuine he may well just continue. But if he's an addict he really needs willpower and to feel the need to stop. Often that has to mean the loss of something he cares a great deal about.

There are AA meetings on at every time of the day everywhere, f2f and online. If he could get himself into those rooms he might be able to see a way to sobriety.

But sadly you can't force him. Only take something away, ie yourself. He hasn't reached rock bottom in that he's got a comfortable home and presumably a steady job and friends, so he hasn't seen the full consequences yet. But he could lose the respect of his daughter and his relationship with you.

I'm so sorry he's putting you through this - he needs to admit he has a problem as a first step.

From your update, you sound worried that he may harm himself. If he's not at home and he's not replying to calls/messages, you can report him as missing and say you're very concerned about his state of mind and that he's a vulnerable person. The police will be sympathetic and advise you. Can you think of anywhere he would go if upset to clear his head? Do you think he would drive while under the influence?

Been an almost journey - about 6 years into the hiding and denial it became pure hell and I separated and divorced.
ExH is still alive but has been in a care home for more than a decade - due to alcohol related dementia.

I come from a family of alcoholics. Grandad died at 60, uncle died at 47 and other uncle only just survived a massive heart attack at 45. All fully "functioning" and working up to their medical incidents.... jovial fun blokes at the pub, not violent or aggressive. And they hid it well. But they left a huge trail of devastation in their wakes. My poor cousins whose father died when they were teens have never really got over his death or forgiven him. Weddings days, birthdays, christmas days, births of children absolutely ruined.

The only people you can save OP is yourself and your DC. Please contact Al-Anon, they are a lifeline and the only people who truly understand.

I found with Al anon that many stay with their drunk and it’s how they cope doing it

I was the only one in my group who actually said i had enough and kicked him out and divorced him

why would you stay with someone who lies and drinks and becomes a different person when drinks

to live your life on eggshells

as I’ve said before. No one wants to split and get divorced and end up a single parent. It’s not how my
life was imagined

but I am happier without ex and so is dd and that’s the important thing

kids have no choice. You have to make that choice to move them / yourself so that they lead a happy safe life

even more so with kids

Are you ok, @Moshmoshi12 ?

He has been missing since yesterday no contact beyond that text saying 'Bye' I have had to call the police as I was initially very worried about suicide/self harm.

My DS has noticed that camping and wash stuff gone so the chances are he is just off clearing his head/sulking somewhere. I have not been able to avoid my older DC being fully aware but my younger one knows he is gone somewhere but not all the details and not about the police.

I am trying not to be absolutely furious and think that maybe it's a mental health crisis and he's not in his right mind. I just need to know he's OK.

If he's on the Police radar, then they'll find him. They can track his car on ANPR cameras etc. And whatever happens, it's on him not you.

He's likely headed off and drinking himself into a stupor.

Was in a similar situation with my DB. All you can do is protect yourself and your family. Sending you best wishes .