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Alcohol support

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Original poster

How to help an alcoholic who doesn't think they have a problem

83 replies

Moshmoshi12 · 20/07/2026 20:53

I think my DH is an alcoholic. He has drunk 2-4 beers/ciders every night since I have known him- 25 years.

As we got into our 30s and had children I regularly expressed concern that he drak over the recommended amount and how he was at risk of becoming alcohol dependent. Hi dad was an alcoholic and died in his 50s as a result of the side effects.

In the last 3-4 years he has started drinking gin - neat and with mixers. At first I wasn't too concerned as it would just be a drink at night and I like gin.However I have caught him 3 times now hiding gin in the garage and drinking there. The first couple of times were about two years ago- I lost the plot but he just shit down - I did thought get him to agree to cut down on his drinking.

A couple of weeks ago I found 3 bottles of gin in the garage- one nearly full and the others pretty much empty. He claimed that they had bn there ages- I don't believe him but got nowhere asking him to stop lying to me. I made him pour away all the gin including a couple of bottles that were in the kitchen. He still didn't see that there was a problem- saying it was a waste of money to pour it away. I begged him to completely stop drinking spirits.

Since then I have had strong suspicions that he has still drinking gin- smell/taste on breath too many trips to the garage etc. Anyway I was away this weekend and my adult DD spoke to me concerned about her dad's drinking- lots of cans of cider and neat gin- she said there was a nearly empty bottle im the kitchen before i got home yesterday that was now gone- there was also a full one. I went to garage and found the nearly empty one. Have emptied both bottles down the sink and thrown them away.ive also messaged him and am waiting for him to come from work (in a pub - ha!) What should I say/do? Should I get rid of all the cider as well- about 10 cans- and insist on no alcohol at all in the house?

About 2 years ago when the secret drinking happened I threatened to leave him if he carried on. I don't want us to split up though- I just want him to stop drinking.

He's also beginning to have some health issues that are almost certainly drink related. Long story but after forcing him to get tests his iron is raised and a scan shows some fat on his liver. I am so upset he has carried on drinking -it feels like he doesn't care about his health and his drinking is beginning to affect our children- the eldest now but the others are teens and not stupid.

I know there's not an easy answer but I really don't know what to do- right now after finding out he's drinking gin again and longer term. Just previewed this and it is so long! Thanks for bearing with me if you made it to the end.

OP posts:
Itshotinherebutainttakingoffmyclothes · 20/07/2026 20:55

You can’t. You can only look after yourself and your children.

Original poster
Moshmoshi12 · 20/07/2026 20:58

So we should split if he won't stop/cut down on his drinking?

OP posts:
SummitWrong · 20/07/2026 20:59

You can't. He has to want to change, you cannot make him. How old are your children? As the adult child of a (now dead - at 60 years old) alcoholic, you need to protect your children. This is only going to get worse.

concertinacornflake · 20/07/2026 21:01

You can't. I'm sorry, I know it's hard to hear. There are support groups for partners/relatives of alcoholics.

BlackBean2023 · 20/07/2026 21:01

Itshotinherebutainttakingoffmyclothes · 20/07/2026 20:55

You can’t. You can only look after yourself and your children.

This.

sanityisamyth · 20/07/2026 21:05

Itshotinherebutainttakingoffmyclothes · 20/07/2026 20:55

You can’t. You can only look after yourself and your children.

This.

IdaGlossop · 20/07/2026 21:05

Do nothing. Currently you are enabling him, doing similar things to the ones I did 20+ years ago. Once I went, in desperation, to an Al-Anon group for family members of problem drinkers, I stopped and felt a weight had been lifted. Previously, I thought that DH falling asleep at the table when we had people round for dinner, falling over in the street and plonking a vegetable dish on top of my brother's mother-in-law's Christmas dinner reflected badly on me. I was wrong. You can do nothing, so you have to separate yourself from it and accept you cannot make a difference. It's hard. Please work on yourself, not him.

notatinydancer · 20/07/2026 21:06

You can’t.
It’s absolutely pointless throwing the gin away he’ll just buy more.
You threatened to leave him but you didn’t so he won’t take any notice of that.
He is either in denial or he doesn’t care.
If he said he’d stop tomorrow could you afford for him to go to rehab?
I personally don’t have faith in rehab.
Would be about 12k for a month.
Acquaintance has recently been , still sober so far , but lost everything. House , marriage, kids , nearly life. It was that rock bottom.

tinyspiny · 20/07/2026 21:07

You can’t , complete waste of your time

LadyWiddiothethird · 20/07/2026 21:08

There is nothing you can do,I am a recovering alcoholic 23 years sober now.Call Al-anon and get some support for yourself.

Noshadowsinthedarkness · 20/07/2026 21:13

I would leave OP. You can’t stop him and it will only get worse.
So sorry you’re in this position.

Lemonorzo · 20/07/2026 21:16

I had a friend like. Her DH even came from a family of alcoholics and couldn’t see what he was doing.
She left him. Eventually he spiralled with the drinking and destroyed his new relationship. My friend has had to support him getting sober as his health deteriorated. He was lucky to keep his job to be honest.
He needs to stop drinking not cut down, if he’s secret drinking there’s no going back to social drinking now.

MightyS · 20/07/2026 21:20

Moshmoshi12 · 20/07/2026 20:58

So we should split if he won't stop/cut down on his drinking?

Yes

Meadowfinch · 20/07/2026 21:20

You can't help. He needs to decide to stop by himself.

Threatening to leave and take the children unless he stops completely and seeks help might work but it didn't,t. You've already tried that.

You can only look after yourself & dcs.

Original poster
Moshmoshi12 · 20/07/2026 21:39

I won't leave the house he can if we split. I went to collect him from work so I coukd talk to him without the kids overhearing.

Not sure if he took anything in. I said that if he wants to keep drinking then he needs to leave, I can't stay with him if he cares about drinking more than he does his own health, the stress he is putting me under and the upset he has caused our adult DD. I said I don't want us to split up but that is his choice. I don't know what else to say or do- I don't want any of this to happen- I feel sad, flat and resigned and part of me just wants to scream.

OP posts:
killerqueen2026 · 20/07/2026 21:44

you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it
my partner has been in AA and sober for 4 years but I know if he relapses I can’t do anything about it

MyDarlingRose · 20/07/2026 21:49

At home breathalyser so he can’t deny it, then threaten divorce. If he doesn’t have a problem he can stop in order to keep you… right? If he can’t stop he has to admit there’s a problem… or say he’d rather drink than stay married. Either way you get out of the situation - by divorce, admittance of problem or him quitting drink.

Until he’s ready and wants to quit he won’t though. There’s very little you can do. Maybe drive him to AA if he will go.

I quit drinking. There was a day a year ago where after trying and failing to moderate for years where the decision clicked into place and I went cold turkey. I wouldn’t say I was addicted but I was using it as a crutch/self medication to deal with social anxiety and hard feelings. And it’s a cycle - you feel shit so you drink which makes you feel shit which makes you drink, then you drink more because you feel hungover and then you feel shit and guilty on top of the shit previously, so you drink and you have a hangover, feel shit, feel guilty, and now you’re in trouble and works going badly so you drink and you have a hangover, feel shit, guilty, ashamed, works bad, marriage is bad, kids mad so you drink…. Round and round. Until disruption.

Ask him to go a month without drinking first. Then take it month by month. Sometimes the fear of the idea of never drinking EVER again stops people from breaking the cycle.

EDIT: I see you’ve spoken to him. That’s good. Do try and make sure he seeks support to quit if he’s willing. He may not know where to start and while you’re not his mum it helps to help the sufferer if you can.

OnlyFrench · 20/07/2026 21:53

Nothing you can do for him but a lot you can do for yourself and your family. AlAnon is great, really opened my eyes.

stop trying to control his drinking, it will harm you and my DH seemed to get a thrill out of outwitting me. I finally left after 27 years but was by his side when he died of cirrhosis.

38thparallel · 20/07/2026 21:57

I am sorry you are going through this. As pp have said, please go to Al Anon where you will find help and support.

Penguinsandspaniels · 20/07/2026 21:58

No point threatening something if you don’t carry it out

yes he’s an alcoholic. So he will lie and tell you what you want to hear

no one wants to end a marriage but you need to decide whether you can live with his drinking /lying

or end it

i ended it as dh was drinking neat vodka and not a nice person when drinks and my daughter deserved better and only I could change it

we now live in a happy household He has carried on drinking and drinks even more and will die from it

Cockerpoomom · 20/07/2026 22:07

I went through this with my ex.. Even to the point where I would issue money to him like pocket money. He would then borrow money behind my back for alcohol. He then started getting health problems. He went on a stop drinking course but he didn't want to "stop drinking altogether, just cut down " 🤨 obviously this was not possible.

Then he started on the spirits and it was the beginning of the end. He died at the age of 35 due to drink and drugs.

I literally was kidding myself. I couldn't stop him no matter what I did coz he would always find ways to get it. Regardless.

They are addicts!! It's a really hard journey and until he admits it to himself he will never change. He doesn't see he's got a problem and by the time he does it will be too late.

You need to protect you and the kids because you can't change him.

Good luck 💐

Coralsunset · 20/07/2026 22:08

How did he respond? He’s an addict so he will be an accomplished liar.

It is unlikely he will quit given he doesn’t think he has a problem. You leaving him is unlikely to make any difference to his drinking. Would you feel happier/safer?

It is awful. My dad was alcoholic and died of liver disease. He was completely unreliable my whole life but I still loved him. 💐

emmetgirl · 20/07/2026 22:25

You can’t. Only he can do something about it.
I’m speaking as a recovering alcoholic with 18+ years sobriety.

LadyofSloth · 20/07/2026 22:25

Get him a gene test for hereditary haemochromotosis if his iron is raised. It could be the reason other than drinking and can cause serious health problems.

Original poster
Moshmoshi12 · 20/07/2026 22:27

He hasn't really said anything- he tends to shut down/ignore things if he feels under pressure. I

've said I want a decision by the weekend. He can either decide he wants tovstay married and stop drinking or he needs to leave. I told him I can't carry on the way things are. I think the effect it has had on my adult DD has really opened my eyes.

If he admitted he had a problem and wanted to stop I would support him 100% but everything has come from me so far he needs to do something.

OP posts: