How to help an alcoholic who doesn't think they have a problem

[Moshmoshi12]

I think my DH is an alcoholic. He has drunk 2-4 beers/ciders every night since I have known him- 25 years.

As we got into our 30s and had children I regularly expressed concern that he drak over the recommended amount and how he was at risk of becoming alcohol dependent. Hi dad was an alcoholic and died in his 50s as a result of the side effects.

In the last 3-4 years he has started drinking gin - neat and with mixers. At first I wasn't too concerned as it would just be a drink at night and I like gin.However I have caught him 3 times now hiding gin in the garage and drinking there. The first couple of times were about two years ago- I lost the plot but he just shit down - I did thought get him to agree to cut down on his drinking.

A couple of weeks ago I found 3 bottles of gin in the garage- one nearly full and the others pretty much empty. He claimed that they had bn there ages- I don't believe him but got nowhere asking him to stop lying to me. I made him pour away all the gin including a couple of bottles that were in the kitchen. He still didn't see that there was a problem- saying it was a waste of money to pour it away. I begged him to completely stop drinking spirits.

Since then I have had strong suspicions that he has still drinking gin- smell/taste on breath too many trips to the garage etc. Anyway I was away this weekend and my adult DD spoke to me concerned about her dad's drinking- lots of cans of cider and neat gin- she said there was a nearly empty bottle im the kitchen before i got home yesterday that was now gone- there was also a full one. I went to garage and found the nearly empty one. Have emptied both bottles down the sink and thrown them away.ive also messaged him and am waiting for him to come from work (in a pub - ha!) What should I say/do? Should I get rid of all the cider as well- about 10 cans- and insist on no alcohol at all in the house?

About 2 years ago when the secret drinking happened I threatened to leave him if he carried on. I don't want us to split up though- I just want him to stop drinking.

He's also beginning to have some health issues that are almost certainly drink related. Long story but after forcing him to get tests his iron is raised and a scan shows some fat on his liver. I am so upset he has carried on drinking -it feels like he doesn't care about his health and his drinking is beginning to affect our children- the eldest now but the others are teens and not stupid.

I know there's not an easy answer but I really don't know what to do- right now after finding out he's drinking gin again and longer term. Just previewed this and it is so long! Thanks for bearing with me if you made it to the end.

My friend spent years with her alcoholic DH. They have three DC and now two DGC.

She put up with so much, hoping he would change. He never did. At age 60 she’s finally divorcing him.

Don’t be my friend.

The 3Cs.

You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.

Only he can, and he plainly is nowhere near that.

I don't feel unsafe with him ever- he is not aggressive or moody when he is drinking. I don't know why he drinks- habit, boredom, his way of dealing with feelings? He hasn't admitted he has a problem. When I havexasked him why he drinks every day he just says it is because he likes it. I think it is a habit that has crept up and up over time and now it is neat gin.

I would say that he drinks probably between 4-8 units a day 4 that I can see but who knows how many more secretly.

The doctor mentioned the possibility of this but they haven't called since his liver scan a few weeks ago. I have suggest he make an appointment but think he's just waiting to gear from them.

Leave. My ex ix an alcoholic too. You can't help him, the bottle will always win.

Let me know when you find the answer.

My DH drinks 5-10 cans of 4% lager a night and a bottle of vodka (has with coke) lasts 4-7 days.

He stinks every morning and it makes him moody and snappy.

He would rather lose me than the drink.

He Says he hasn’t got a problem though and I am ott.

I have more experience of this than I would like. Friends and exH. Go to Al-Anon. They are good with information about what to say to the depressingly usual excuses.

It is an awful situation to be in and I deeply feel for you.

You can’t do anything to stop him, you’re completely powerless in that respect.
Just make a plan for yourself and stick to it.
if you’re giving him chances only give him one. He’ll take take take and treat you like a mug.
if you say you’re gunna leave him, then leave.

Can you as an interim be a bit sneaky and fill his bottle with non-alcohol gin?
It might help him take in less alcohol from hard spirits along with his cider and help him wean off it once you have the conversation.
My grandma had this, her husband did eventually agree to go to AA and went to those meetings and stayed off the booze for the rest of his life.

He barely spoke to me last night so I sent him a long message including most of my original post here. I also asked him to make a doctor's appointment to discuss his drinking. No reply, no response just ignoring me. I hope he's thinking things through but part of me thinks I have my answer.

I keep hoping that he'll message or say when I get home 'I think you're right I do have a problem and need some help' but I'm probably deluding myself

You can’t change or motivate him. Go to Al Anon. They’ve seen this all before and will support you.

It's so hard to think that by this weekend we could be splitting up

I was in this position with DH hiding bottles of vodka which I went searching for and pouring away. Promises broken, family events ruined. It came to a head after yet another awful family meal and next day I phoned Al anon. That was the turning point for me. I realised by sweeping it under the carpet I was enabling the behaviour. It was my behaviour I had to change. I just told him it was his choice - me or the booze( after 30+ years). I told him Id phoned al Anon and told the AC. This time he phoned the AC and apologised. He got support and touch wood has been alcohol free for 6 years and we are happier and healthier as a result. But I would have gone through with leaving him if he hadn’t decided to change.

@Moshmoshi12 you can’t stop him and he’s drinking because he’s an addict. He is probably drinking far more than you realise. Have you looked up Al-anon?

This is what I really hope happens- all really familiar but no meals ruined- yet. He is not an awful drunk again yet. I will try calling Al-anon on my commute home if I can find a quiet place. Do they do online counselling or do you have to go to group meetings.

Very difficult one - you have to want to stop and by wanting to stop, you have to admit there is a problem. That is scary, because admitting there is a problem opens the floodgates. He probably can't face a life without alcohol. This is because it is an addictive substance and he is hooked.

I gave up drinking 18 months ago. I will never drink again. But, it had to come from me.

When I told my husband what I was doing he said he had been worried about me and the levels I was drinking. If he had said so at the time, or given me an ultimatum, I would never have forgiven him.

I know that may sound crazy and that your motivation is one of concern, but it is individual and he needs to want to stop. First he needs to believe that he is in danger - you say 8 units a night, that is 56 units a week, while it sounds appalling, believe me, it is not that high for many.

If it was me in your position, I would ask him to read about the damaging effects of alcohol. For himself. If he agrees to that, then it is a massive step. Start with William Porter - "Alcohol explained". Get it on audio and listen to it together. That will plant the seed - so many times we are told alcohol is fine, everyone drinks....it is not fine. It is an addictive poison that kills people. Plant that seed and it should start the ball rolling. He can't stop at the moment. He knows he can't.

Sobriety is wonderful. He needs to make the transition himself. You are entitled to walk away. Of course you are. That is your decision to make. Giving him an ultimatum is futile - in my opinion. He is not in a place where he can just stop. He has an addiction for one, and no matter how many bottles your pour down the sink, it won't make any difference. It is not that easy.

I wish you the best of luck. As others have said, get help in your own right.

Alcoholics like all addicts are liars. They will deny everything, minimise usage.
Your DH’s primary relationship is now with alcohol. Thats it. You can’t see how strong a relationship it is, you are an in a bit of denial as to how bad it is.
And that’s because you love him and over the years he hasn’t been all bad.
You cannot have any kind of relationship with an active alcoholic, all you do is clean up the mess and hope until it kills one of you.
It will probably kill him first.
But the effects on you and your DC are also worrying the constant stress affects your immune system and your own health.
You cannot help him. He won’t respond to pleading or begging or hurt because his main thought will be about when he can have his next drink. It’s not just about like. It’s a compulsion.
You need to get yourself out of this for your own sanity.
Speak to Al Anon.
If he becomes sober - and it takes a lot of work and usually attending AA - your relationship will change anyway. He will be sober, but most marriages struggle with the transition. But at least he’d have a chance to live again.
Being the child of an alcoholic is so damaging, even as you become an adult.
If you stay in this and your DC continue to see him behave like this and see you trying to plead with him, it will damage their relationship with you, too.
Put you and your DC first.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/getting-help/

Why are you still with him @weddingbellaa 🥲 ?!

Yes

I nearly lost my husband, kids and life as I was completely not going to admit I had a problem. It was only when I realised how hurt they were and how much damage I was doing them, everyone around me and myself, that I had a kind of revelation, and stopped.
People had been telling me for years I had a problem and I ignored it. That is the basic fact sadly.
I'm now 13 years in and still sober.
Until he acknowledges it he won't stop. Leaving him is a choice but also a difficult one as it gives the green light for him to be 'poor me...pour me a drink..' or it could work the other way.
I'm just so happy I did see what was going on - or I would definitely not have my family now

I can't say for certain but I do speak from experience and would suggest that whatever you think he is drinking, it will be far, far more. I also echo what other people have said is that there is nothing you can do to change him. It has to come from him.

When I told my husband what I was doing he said he had been worried about me and the levels I was drinking. If he had said so at the time, or given me an ultimatum, I would never have forgiven him

@noscotlandnoparty alcoholics make life very difficult for their families so it’s reasonable for them to say something and give ultimatums. Why should the family have to put up with it?

Have you heard of Al Anon? Its for friends and families of those affected by alcoholism

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/