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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

do people really think adoption is the hassle-free version of giving birth

104 replies

Kewcumber · 12/08/2007 19:54

I was startled (and amused) to read on a thread "why not just adopt and save the hassle of going through childbirth so she can just get on with her life quicker"

Am I so surrounded by people who understand how hard adoption is that I have lost touch with the fact that some people might think it is the hassle-free option? Of course physically it isn't as tough and I don't have a biologically produced child to compare my experiences to, but if my adoption experience really is the hassle-free version of having children, God help those of you who give birth!!!

OP posts:
GoingThroughChanges · 12/08/2007 19:57

I think sometimes people speak without thinking.

Adoption is a very hard process (as you well know) and is by no means the easy way out.

No-one can just "get on with their life" whether they give birth or adopt, their life changes forever!

bran · 12/08/2007 19:58

Only last week the receptionist in our office said that she would like to adopt. I asked why and she said she was afraid of giving birth so adopting would be easier. I think she probably changed her mind after about 20 mins of my adoption story.

To be fair though, the only actual physical pain in adopting comes from repeatedly banging your head against a brick wall to try and numb the intense frustration/anger at the whole process.

foxinsocks · 12/08/2007 19:58

I thought you knew Kew. You just go along to the adoption agency, tick a few boxes (what hair colour, eye colour, height etc. that you want), get back in your car and they deliver exactly what you ordered straight to you. A bit like a drive through.

Or perhaps that's what they think. In which case, they've not been inhabiting the same world as everyone else .

aloha · 12/08/2007 19:59

Really? What an odd comment!

meandmyflyingmachine · 12/08/2007 19:59

Well, poeple do say daft things. I used to say I would like twins to get it all over and done with in one go.

And then I had one.

stleger · 12/08/2007 20:03

I had 'counselling' when having trouble ttc. My counsellor was about 2 sizes bigger than me - me being size 12. She did voice the opinion that adoption was good in that it meant women didn't have to lose their figures....

Bluestocking · 12/08/2007 20:05

There's a great piece here about adoption. I'd be really interested to know what other adoptive parents think about it - it was written by a pal of mine.

Original poster
Kewcumber · 12/08/2007 20:06

I understand that people talk (and post) wihout thinking but often it is what they actually think. (And I'm not trying to have a pop at the person who posted it) I have just obviously been living in a slightly cloistered world that there are genuinely people who think it is that simple.

It really did make me laugh though that comment. I had to wipe away a tear

OP posts:
Califrau · 12/08/2007 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

meandmyflyingmachine · 12/08/2007 20:08

I think certain high profile adoptions have bolstered that opinion.

And we only see media reports of those as well...

GrandMasterHumphreyLyttelton · 12/08/2007 20:11

foxinsocks, now I am reminded of Pam Ayers Baby Shop poem.

aloha · 12/08/2007 20:12

I'd like to buy a baby in a baby shop...sigh.

Original poster
Kewcumber · 12/08/2007 20:12

bluestocking - its a very good piece (though I do glaze over at the Catholic bits). I think what most non-adopters never have to face up to is the point your friend makes about loss. You "inherit" a child who has suffered "a loss nothing can make up for". I am acutely aware that DS will have to learn to live with a loss in his life that few have to deal with. It adds a dimension to parenting which only other adopters understand and I'm sure makes the teenage struggle to work out who you are that bit harder.

Having said that - it is an incredible priviledge to be allowed to parent another persons child. It feels like a bond of trust I have with his birth mother to do my best for him. Corny!

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motherinferior · 12/08/2007 20:14

Interesting piece, Bluestocking.

Spockle · 12/08/2007 20:15

Not corny, very beautiful and inspiring.
If we had gone to a baby shop, I wonder if we'd have ended up with ones like we've got?! I bet they'd sell out of the toilet trained ones first.

Original poster
Kewcumber · 12/08/2007 20:16

oh I'd forgotten about that poem.. must look it up.

And the problem even with the high profile cases is that theyare generally (always) American and the system is easier (honestly Califrau!) and often misreported. Angelina olies adoption agency released a press release explaining how she didn't "choose" the child (she was accused in the press of choosing the pretty ones), she was sent one referral which she accepted - but IIRC not a single paper ran that - not such a good story. (Not that I would use Ang as an adoption beacon of good practice!)

OP posts:
motherinferior · 12/08/2007 20:16

I think that lack of understanding, Kewcumber, is the primary reason why so many people can't understand why it is in practice so hard to adopt. There's this myth of millions of children stuck in Victorian orphanage-style foster homes (leaving aside the whole issue of the care system, which is often deeply inadequate but which also is predicated on the basis that children in care are not changing family) and hampered by PC red tape when surely they should just be let loose to meet the millions of potential parents out there.

And don't get me started on the anti-abortion lobby....

seanbon · 12/08/2007 20:17

Was talking to a woman yesterday who has two sons and she was rabbiting on about how she'd love a girl but having had two boys there was a good chance that her third child would be a boy. Then she says"i suppose i could adopt a girl..theres always that option....."

expatinscotland · 12/08/2007 20:17

How could anyone think that?

Bluestocking · 12/08/2007 20:17

The Catholic thing - it's a weird one - I am a hardcore atheist and she is a hardcore Catholic - but we adore each other and agree to differ. We've known each other for twenty years and have become very proficient at staying away from the hotspots. But I do remember when she used to maintain that everyone should adopt a baby before having a homegrown one, and I also remember knowing perfectly well even then that I would never have the fibre to be able to adopt. I think adoption takes a very, very special person, and I salute you.

3andnomore · 12/08/2007 20:19

I have read the message that you are on about, and even though I have no experience of adoption myself, I do realise that it is certainly not the hassle free way, if anything it is a more difficult way. As far as I am aware people that want to adopt are being checked through and checked through and have to comply in so many ways, etc....it really isn't fair, if you consider that when physically you are able to have Kids you can have as many as you want , even if you are a completely unsuitable person to have them....if anything, that is unfair.
It's weird really, you need to have a drivinglicence to drive a car, but in reality just about anyone can have Kids if they fall pg....

motherinferior · 12/08/2007 20:19

I really don't think I'd be up to adopting - I have a huge admiration for people who do.

I know a woman whose two kids are adopted. When she and her husband were adopting, they were four and six, and their birth mother had another baby. They made the enormously courageous decision not to adopt the newborn because their priorities had to be with their own children, the two they were adopting and whom they knew they'd have to support and work with a lot. I am in awe, frankly.

Original poster
Kewcumber · 12/08/2007 20:20

Relatively few people in the UK adopt for social welfare reasons. Mostly we could it because we couldn't have a family any other way. Its doesnt make us particularly special tbh. You do have to be extraordinary stubborn though, unreasonably singleminded and perhaps more than a little contrary.

Discovering that all sorts of people suddenly have a right to investigate your life and have an opinion on it is a bit of a shock though.

OP posts:
3andnomore · 12/08/2007 20:21

I just realised that that could come acros as really harsh , and I hope you know what I mean.
I know for sure that I could not adopt a child...I am not a great enough person, if that amkes sense....like someone else said already it does take a very special person to adopt.

3andnomore · 12/08/2007 20:24

Kewcumber...having children is always a selfish act, really...I mean, come on...no matter how you have them, by adoption or by going through pg and Birth, you do it because you want Kids....!
I suppose it's natures way to make sure that we a) have children, but b) also nurture them (even if they weren't born to us)...if that mkaes sense....