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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

do people really think adoption is the hassle-free version of giving birth

104 replies

Kewcumber · 12/08/2007 19:54

I was startled (and amused) to read on a thread "why not just adopt and save the hassle of going through childbirth so she can just get on with her life quicker"

Am I so surrounded by people who understand how hard adoption is that I have lost touch with the fact that some people might think it is the hassle-free option? Of course physically it isn't as tough and I don't have a biologically produced child to compare my experiences to, but if my adoption experience really is the hassle-free version of having children, God help those of you who give birth!!!

OP posts:
bran · 12/08/2007 22:34

That's appalling of your GP Kewcumber.

Our social worker (the second one not the lovely first one) did make a bit of a thing that our medicals had to be done by our GP. She really couldn't grasp that we were in a multi-doctor surgery without an allocated gp, and furthermore that because we were healthy we hardly ever saw any doctor at all and certainly never the same one twice. She kept saying "It needs to be your own gp who does it because he/she knows you".

Issy · 12/08/2007 22:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

Original poster
Kewcumber · 12/08/2007 22:40

do you think we are slightly unhinged Issy? It felt that way sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kewcumber · 12/08/2007 22:43

oh I didn;t mind the home study that much - I did my research like a good girl and most of my home study was cut and pasted from what I'd emails the SW! It was everything else. And don't get me started on the Dfes

OP posts:
Issy · 12/08/2007 22:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

Original poster
Kewcumber · 12/08/2007 22:48

I know what you mean. I mihgt be able to find a cure to some horrible disease as well as working and raising DS - if only I still had that singlemindedness

OP posts:
foxcub · 12/08/2007 22:49

I think that finding a good tiler is probably just as long winded and difficult as adoption actually...

Original poster
Kewcumber · 12/08/2007 22:50

I have a lovely roofer if you need one too...

OP posts:
Issy · 12/08/2007 22:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

foxcub · 12/08/2007 22:51
Grin
Twinklemegan · 12/08/2007 22:57

I think until you really look into adoption you just don't realise how difficult it is. We looked into adopting when we had been ttc for years. Thankfully we never needed to go far down the line because I fell pregnant. But it sounded like the most daunting thing we had ever embarked on.

aloha · 12/08/2007 23:11

I really wanted a family, and luckily was able to have two children despite embarking on parenthood rather late. But no matter how much I wanted a family, I don't know that I would have been able to bear to being quizzed about my life by a social worker, I really don't. I know exactly why you put up with it, but I can't imagine how you managed it!

KristinaM · 13/08/2007 00:13

On Sw asking about your sex life.........I'm sure I read this story on Mumsnet:

Rather embarassed SW asks prospective adopters

" And how are things...ahem.... you know....upstairs?"

Prospective adopter (who assumes she is asking about their building work to provide an extra bedroom for child)

" Oh not very great at the moment but things will be much better when DH gets the extension done"

Flower3554 · 13/08/2007 09:20

That was friends or our Kristina and it was my post a while back.

Acinonyx · 13/08/2007 14:35

We have 'almost' done a home study 3 times but I have been like a horse running to a fencing then stalling. The thought of The Inquisition makes me feel sick - I have real doubts about keeping my mouth and temper in check.

Part of the problem is that I have no confidence at all in homestudies. I am adopted myself and have counselled hundreds of adult adoptees. Now maybe the whoe thing has got more sophisticated since my day - but I really doubt it. I really don't think you can know what is going to happen when a couple has a child - until it happens. There is just no other explanations for some of the stories I have heard. To be shafted twice by SS in the same life time might be just too much for me to bear gracefully.

I have a dd from IVF and have been told countless times that I not only could, but indeed should, adopt. I think IVF if it works reasonably well (got dd on 2nd cycle) is a breeze compared to adoption (when it doesn't work - it's pretty grim). And now it seems we are too old for adoption anyway. Jill

beemail · 13/08/2007 19:32

Our adoption experience was akin to Califrau's friends - adopted one intercountry, was in the process of adopting 2nd also intercountry but she died whilst waiting for all the red tape. We then went onto adopt after another long delay during which time we were backwards and forwards with toddler in tow. All I can say is that I don't think most people really know what adoption can involve. Both birth parents and adopters face challenges en route to parenthood but few people ever refer to birth as an easy option I have heard adoption referred to several times in this way!!! Birth parents are for the most part waiting for their children to arrive in a reasonably safe and familiar environment though. We like many other adopters were not!

We were however like others who have posted absolutely driven in a way
not experienced before or after!! Totally character building and of course like a birth some of it I now struggle to recall several years on!

Heathcliffscathy · 13/08/2007 19:38

bluestocking, I thought it was a great piece. adoption is one of the very hardest issues to work with in therapy, and many argue that what the piece says is true: nothing can completely alleviate the pain of that early loss/abandonment.

think that the comment that sparked the OP must have been an ignorant throw away one as nothing could be further from the truth.

Original poster
Kewcumber · 14/08/2007 08:15

do you have professional experience sophable (not sure what you do)?

OP posts:
beemail · 14/08/2007 15:12

yes also interested to know whether you have experience. I know there are some therapists who specialise in adoption work and that they are very much in demand. It has seemed to me that that early loss can be very hard to deal with for some........... but not for all. it amazes me that some can show relatively little interest in their early history and present as well balanced, well functioning adults. Of course for others it seems impossible to ever accommodate this in their lives. I don't see it as a reflection on the type of upbringing they have had either just seems to be an individual thing.

Original poster
Kewcumber · 14/08/2007 17:14

beemail - you took the post out of my mouth (as it were). Did you cover resilience in your prep course - I remember discussing how a large part of resilience is genetic - its just the way you are and I do think that resilience plays a large part in how you handle the fact of your adoption. I agree that it doesn't necessarily reflect on how you are raised, thoughtelling your child in an argument when they are 12 is perhaps not the best approach (my aunt and grandmother's forthcoming best seller - Chapter 1 How Not to Tell your Child They are Adopted)

OP posts:
beemail · 14/08/2007 21:13

wow - and chapter 2?

yes i do think resilience has much to do with genetics but also remember someone saying in those early days that you don't make children resilient by giving them pasta for tea every Monday!! (So ours get it on Tues )

Yes i just think if it was me I'd WANT to know about my history and would at least try to find out more which is why it surprises me when people don't want to but like everything else until you've been there.......

beemail · 14/08/2007 21:13

wow - and chapter 2?

yes i do think resilience has much to do with genetics but also remember someone saying in those early days that you don't make children resilient by giving them pasta for tea every Monday!! (So ours get it on Tues )

Yes i just think if it was me I'd WANT to know about my history and would at least try to find out more which is why it surprises me when people don't want to but like everything else until you've been there.......

beemail · 14/08/2007 21:16

aaaaarh! sorry

Heathcliffscathy · 14/08/2007 21:20

kewcumber that is how my dad was told. except he was 13. it is bad.

and i am a therapist.

and i don't think for a second that what people say that they are affected by is necessarily what they are affected by.

and i don't say for a second that i'm anti-adoption as undoubtedly in many ways children get an immesurably better life. BUT, that first scar is huge. the more that that is recognised the better.

and genetic explanations are bolleaux imho. you can isolate a gene for almost everything, but it is environmental factors that can be affected and therefore should be our focus.

adorabelle · 14/08/2007 21:23

Kewcumber, God Bless You in Spades.

If it were not for people like you adopting, these children would have no idea of a family life and have no idea of a mother's love.

Through people like you the lost and lonely
children find their place.

Many hugs and kisses
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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