do people really think adoption is the hassle-free version of giving birth

[Kewcumber]

I was startled (and amused) to read on a thread "why not just adopt and save the hassle of going through childbirth so she can just get on with her life quicker"

Am I so surrounded by people who understand how hard adoption is that I have lost touch with the fact that some people might think it is the hassle-free option? Of course physically it isn't as tough and I don't have a biologically produced child to compare my experiences to, but if my adoption experience really is the hassle-free version of having children, God help those of you who give birth!!!

"in reality just about anyone can have Kids if they fall pg" interestingly the number of people who were shocked by the intrusiveness of the homestudy said similar things to me "but any 16yr can go and get themselves PG without this perfomrance". THough it is difficult to stomach the true reality is that when deciding to place a child with you, social worker have to make a decision which will affect that child for life, and with that decision comes a responsibility that you have done your best to make sure as best you can that they will be competent parents.

Thats the thought that got me through my homestudy (particularly the bizarre conversation about my sex life)

My friend adopted and did comment that it was easier than having a child IHO.

However the 12 agonising years of fertility treatment could have coloured her view of how easy having a child can be...

got my "you" and "they" mixed up there!

twentypence - I wish it were easier for many people. Don;t get me wrong after the uncertianty of fertility treatment, the certianty ofadoption was a blessed relief. But I would still rather be pregnant for 9 months than three years and to still be "semi" pregnant for another year after that!

Grandmaster, I'd forgotten about that poem.

Why were SS interested in your sex life Kew?

OUr friends are adopting their second child (through one of hte local councils). Despite having already adopted one (and all the long term monitoring that comes with that - another thing people don't realise), SS have made them go on all the 'becoming a parent' courses ALL over again. Despite the fact that they've had a child for almost 5 years now.

oh, kewcumber, I know why they have to be so thorough, but it is still not bloody fair...and that is me saying it that was lucky enough to never have to consider adoption...
it must be such a difficult process to be put through.But of course, going through with it, dispite the thoroughness does, I suppose, show the commitment that future parent has.
Would be fabulous though if nature had a better selection process...i.e. until you are really able to look after a child you should be unable to have them, and once you are, you get pregnat...would be perfect world, I think, and probably reduce the number of childabuse by so much...but of course, I know that is more a philophical point of view and will never be reality.

It's a long funny story FinS - the very short version

SW (who I'd never met before) sent to do home study update (have to have one annually if you are not matched)
Tells me I have to be careful not to get pregnant whilst waiting for a match
KC tries in any number of ways to explain that she is not in a "relationship" and therefore not likely to get pregnant.

SW persists and gives birds and bees lecture about not needing to be in a relationship to get pregnant.
KC gives up euphemisms and being polite " yes but you do have to be having sex and I'm not".

SW happy, KC wondering at what point her life dissolved into being lectured about safe sex by a complete stranger

lol

It is clear to me Kewcumber that the SW was either a loon (if female) or trying to chat you up (if male)

Do tell us which.

KC I remember that chat about not getting pregnant, it's so they don't waste their money on an abortive home study but I did smile to myself after 8 years of not getting pregnant.

I think the article Bran mentioned put it perfectly - the hard thing about adoption is not the assessment process, that's just good old red tape, but the unknown future as to how damaged your child has been by being removed from its birth mother, any neglect or abuse, and being moved from home to home just at the age when it's meant to be forming secure attachments. But I have discovered people simply don't want to hear that, so I grin through gritted teeth when they say how well the children have settled etc.

and WTH at least I still have a waist and pelvic floor!

I fantasise and fantasise about adoption thb. I love everyone else's kids and dream about a baby on the doorstep but I couldn't bear the intrusiveness, the questions about my sex life, the questioning of my friends and ex boyfriends (aargh!) - just such a horror.

Grannyslippers, still having a pelvic floor is ... I would say "not to be sneezed at" but whenever I sneeze I wet myself, so maybe I won't! But I do still have a waist.

Grannyslippers...I think that is why I wuoldn't even consider to adopt...even if we had all the money in the world to give that perfect home materialistically...I work now with children that are in care and have behavioural problems..and when I read their stories I am not surprised, tbh....no one could come through those things unscathed and happy....
hence again my feeling of the unfairness of the whole process....thngs should be less burocratic....but in our society where everyone keeps to their own and knowone really knows anybody, it won't happen....but sometimes I really think giving a child to a parent you truely believe would look after them and giving all the support threafter would be better then the procrastinating (sp???sorry)
Also, recently read the file of a child and the reason she was adopted sdo late, by her foster parents was, that as soon they would have adopted her, the support a fostered child gets seizes...but of course for the childs selfesteem being wanted and loved and the feeling of belonging would have been worth it to get her adopted quickly wihgt that family that obviosuly commited themselfs to her anywya and ggiving the same support anyway, may have has some issues never been raised....hohum

aloha - pracice now is to contact and interview previous partners (not just husbands). SW discussed on previous partner (who never lived with me!) and asked if I would mind her contacting him

"no not at all we parted on very good terms and stay in touch" - KC
"OK good - where does he live? I'll arrange to meet him" - SW
"Tashkent, Uzbekistan" - KC
End of that particular subject.

Sw was also very concerned about my life in Africa with "servants" (we had one cleaner/gardener who lived out) and whether it had impacted my views in blacks and their position in society and whether I thought they should be doing menial jobs.

What did I think of having a black servant, she asked.

Well mostly I thought "Oh hello there's John".

I was 3yrs old at the time.

Kewcumber. Your SW sounds very right on.

I was listening to Jeremy Hardy recently and his show was "how to be a parent" and as part of it he said "Birth parents sometimes like to cook and eat the placenta. Of course that option isn't open to adoptive parents, but they might like to consider cooking and eating their social worker." Something tells me that man has had at least some experience with the adoptive process.

pmsl Bran - that is classic.

My current SW, when I discussed DS's biting said "you might want to consider moving him from CM to a nursery"

KC looking slightly puzzled so SW expands... "they have policies about that sort of thing"

pmsl - "DS don't do that its against our policy"

(actually I did/do like both of them) but they not, well, quite normal are they?

Did not want to sound too negative - it's a tribute to the resilience of children and committed foster and adoptive families that actually on the whole adoptions do work out. It's kind of a leap of faith because you know you might have those issues whether they turn out to be really major or not. I am not sure why but for some reason I felt we could take that on but not any more dreaded fertilty treatment.

It's just the problem though the only way to assess someone as a decent parent is to really get to know them and their background, which takes a while. I was a bit choked to read our references and the SW's final report, they said some really lovely things about us and I hope we can live up to it!

Aloha, saying you couldn't bear the assessment is a bit like me saying, I couldn't ever go through pregnancy, that pain, getting all fat, the indignity of the examinations, the health risks...if you want a family then you just have to go through it, either way. Which is back where we started !

funniest part of our homestudy was the health and safety questionnaire (at this early stage we were a completely childfree household)

Are all sockets covered?
Are fragile items placed out of reach?
Are there no trailing flexes
Are toys picked up and tidied away?

we earnestly assured them we tidied away our toys to avoid a tripping hazard.

exactly Granny - I couldn;t bear the intrusion eiher but when it came down to it the choice was did I want to be childless or did I want a family.

it was an easy decision (not so easy in practice obviously) for me to make. When things got really tough, I just kept reminding myself of that.

The hardest thing was stopping myself from punching people who wilfully made it more difficult than it needed to be like my GP who refused to pass my medical on the grounds that she "didn't know me"! I had to have my panel date delayed and a second opinion (from another GP who didn;t know me either ).

I was pretty sure that if I'd punched her it may have gone against me at panel.

did you specify which toys you'd tidied away

I was asked if I had a safety gate, when I said No and was asked why not, I said my friends will have me committed if I put child safety gates up 2 yrs before having a child.

Blimey if anyone seriously thinks adoption is an "easy" option they must be incredibly ignorant.

My experience of friends whove gone through tjis is that it takes years, is very frustrating and you have to be extremely determined in order to jump through all the hoops!!

I have massive respect for people who stick at it for such extended periods of time in oder to give a child a loving home [respect]

Much easier to bonk and then pop a baby out 9 months later IMO!

you're only saying that because I gave you the name of a good tiler...