People who abandon a chronically/seriously unwell friend. Why does this happen?

[MonsteraDeliciosa]

I had typed out my loooong story but didn’t want to bore you with the details; and having read of similar on here and elsewhere before, realise the actual details are unimportant.

There is a common phenomenon of people abandoning or stonewalling close friends who have developed serious or chronic illness, and/or have become less physically able.
Why is this? It is so cruel. I can’t understand it and my heart is breaking for someone I love who is being similarly treated.

Does anyone have any insight into this?

Classic fairweather friends who simply cba when the going gets tough. There are more of them than there are really good friends. Don't be hurt, just accept that those people are just not up to it.

In this case it was a long term best friend.
But yes, even amongst best friends some are not up to it, sadly.

You never know what someone else is going through. They may not have the emotional capacity to deal with something like this as well. Sometimes people just don't know what to say or do and fear being trite/unhelpful/upsetting the person. People can project as well - if they think they wouldn't want their friends to see them when they're in a bad way they think the same is true for others. It's complex.

It depends on exactly what you mean by abandon, and how good/longstanding the friendship was before the illness.

I can think of scenarios where it might look like this has happened, eg if friend A has historically supported friend B because ostensibly friend B has had a harder time of it then friend B might still be having a hard time and not be in physically, practically or emotionally be able to support friend A when friend A becomes unwell.

Advice above re not taking it too personally is sensible for your own sanity.

I know lots of women who have lots of friends, but they are superficial. They are friends for a season.

When something bad happens to you like an illness or death in the family, you find out who your real friends are. When my mum died as a teen I called up my best friend and she said to me “what do you want me to do about it? I’m busy”. I was shocked. Other people I didn’t really class as close stepped up to help me.

I know of 2 women going through cancer and their friends have done this. They abandoned them. I mean it’s not catching FFS. What shallow selfish empty vessels they are.

All you can do OP is hold your own counsel. Be a good friend to those who need us.

Chronic pain and illness changes people. Often, not for the better - they sometimes become self pitying or angry with the world.

I know I was a moody git when coming to terms with it. I deserved it when people didn't want to spend time with me. I've apologised and I hope I'm better now.

My MIL has lost all her former friends. She's not pleasant to be around. She's draining and can suck the joy out of any situation. We visit because we must, not because we want to. Her chronic condition is her only focus, to the detriment of her relationships.

Or maybe the friendship was based on convenience and it's not convenient anymore.

I've had a difficult ten years. Discovered people on the whole are HUGELY selfish and will almost never do anything for you if there's nothing in it for them. The only people who frequently do this are people-pleasers who had frightening, unkind parents.

"Laugh and you laugh together, cry and you cry alone"

I'm beyond heartbroken (soul-broken?) but am trying to accept this is human nature. If you haven't fallen on really hard times or if you have a good family, you may go your whole life without discovering this.

Is it a common phenomenon? I wasn’t aware.

I know someone who lives a pretty reclusive life because she has CFS, fibromyalgia and various non-specific ailments. She doesn’t see friends because she’s not up to going out and she’s not up to hosting. Perhaps she feels somewhat abandoned, but I can see why her friends no longer see her.

I think this person just can’t deal with the situation as they have always been the needier friend.
But they have lied to cover their tracks, and even told lies to others about the ill friend to try and excuse their behaviour.

The ill person in this scenario is only recently diagnosed, has been amazingly upbeat, and not at all moany or demanding.

I know I see a lot less of one particular friend who is chronically ill. It’s not because of the chronic illness though that does put some practical barriers in the way; we have completely different daily rhythms now which makes meeting up a bit difficult. It’s because I dislike her spouse, mainly.

I was coming here to say something very similar.

It depends the chronic illness too.

I have family members who were so self obsessed by their illnesses. Every day was a new symptom. It was always about them. It was exhausting. Despite doctors telling them to get out the house, get fresh air, keep mobile or go a walk…they always found a reason not to do something or not to be involved in something. Not everyone can be helped sadly.

Well I’m not sure quite how common @ParsonMaybold but I’ve certainly read about it quite a few times before. Now I’m seeing it for real.

Again, the ill person is not reclusive, withdrawn or complaining, but has tried to stay positive and keep up with friends. A couple of less good friends have stepped up, but best friend has pretty much withdrawn her friendship.

This is the reason in many situations I personally know of and no one is going to say that face to face.

I’ve had an extremely challenging decade. So much to deal with and most people won’t deal with a tenth of it in a lifetime, I have still been warm and pleasant and genuinely kind and caring towards others I saw suffering too.

But equally it means I just don’t have the band width if people try to take their life hardships out on me.

The person sounds simply not very nice if they are telling lies about their supposed friend.

In this scenario it sounds like it’s less about the illness per se and more like the friend not being what she appeared to be (presumably honest and decent)

Again, the ill person is not reclusive, withdrawn or complaining, but has tried to stay positive and keep up with friends. A couple of less good friends have stepped up, but best friend has pretty much withdrawn her friendship.

Then if this is all true, it will have nothing to do with any kind of common phenomenon.

It'll be down to the two friends and possibly reasons you're unaware of.

I’ll be honest and say I have done this. Said friend has had a number of real issues but is also a borderline hypochondriac. Her or a family member are in A&E at least once a month, when I would get approximately 101 messages about each time.

I do understand she was unwell (now recovered) but absolutely everything became about her health and it was impossible to have a normal conversation with her about literally anything else. She needed constant validation about her work, what other people thought, if she should go to A&E again, if she should chase the doctor again etc.

And she lost all capacity to understand that just because she was going through a difficult time doesn’t mean she is the only one with problems.

It was just absolutely mentally exhausting, and I had a lot going on with my mental health at the time so it was just too much.

This is so sad. I guess the reality is that they just aren’t the friends you thought they were. One of my best friends has recently been diagnosed with a life threatening and life changing illness and it’s never crossed my mind to do anything but love, support and help her in anyway I can. Yes supporting someone through hell is emotionally draining but it is emotionally draining because it’s hard to see someone you love seriously ill. I don’t feel there is any excuse for a good friend to step away. Friendship isn’t just there for the good times and there are still many good times among the tough. We’ve had many a belly laugh while visiting in hospital and she brings so much love and happiness to my life, as she always has. A friend doesn’t stop being them just because they are seriously ill.

Are you the ‘amazingly upbeat’ person here?

No.

Some wouldn't do it intentionally, but if someone becomes really ill/disabled, it changes what you do with them. I've got a friend who has a hidden disability, so we've always just met for coffee/sometimes gone to eachothers house. She's gad a mega operation recently and only started going out after three months. That's fine, I've been going over to see her, I always ask for an update, but we also have a laugh, talk about families, holidays, have a joke about DHs as we all know eachother really well, put the world to rights, her older children are really welcoming so have a chat with them.

I have another friend who always just talks about her family, so I try and see her with others. She recently had an accident, I met her recently with a couple of friends which broke it up a bit, but all she talked about was family and her accident, and basically it's no fun.

This is normal unfortunately.

i had an accident and now use a wheelchair and lost a number of friends who simply didn’t know how to cope with it.

I had friends who became chronically ill (ME). I wanted to meet up with them but they were never able, and everything had to be on their terms, even years later when they were much better. I deduced that they no longer wanted to see me or hang out with me. It was incredibly painful. When we asked them about this they seemed to think they were the ones that had been abandoned. Actually, the illness seemed to change everything about them and they were so miserable and boundaried it was impossible to get through to them. Friendships have to work a bit both ways. Friends can be understanding, but when repeated attempts to remain connected get rebuffed, we can't keep trying forever.

Similar happened to me, best friend for over 20 years. I saw her once just after my husband died then never heard from her again.
I like to think that I am a much better person than that. I would never do it to someone.

Thanks for your perspectives, everyone. This was a very close, every day friend. They were strangely indifferent on hearing the diagnosis, normal for a while, then seemingly annoyed at the recent major surgery and have withdrawn themselves.
This friend had benefitted enormously from the friendship, even having their rent paid for a couple of months by ill friend after a job fell through.

I think, unfortunately OP, there are people who can’t cope with illness. They shy away from people who have anything serious, not because they don’t want to see them but because THEY can’t cope.

I