People who abandon a chronically/seriously unwell friend. Why does this happen?

[MonsteraDeliciosa]

I had typed out my loooong story but didn’t want to bore you with the details; and having read of similar on here and elsewhere before, realise the actual details are unimportant.

There is a common phenomenon of people abandoning or stonewalling close friends who have developed serious or chronic illness, and/or have become less physically able.
Why is this? It is so cruel. I can’t understand it and my heart is breaking for someone I love who is being similarly treated.

Does anyone have any insight into this?

I always say friendships are slides not seesaws: there is always energy flowing from one person to the other in terms of emotional support, and if the tables are turned, that flow does not switch direction.

Exactly this.

The OP is hearing one side only.

There's your answer right there. They don't like not being the most in need in the friendship. I'm guessing the newly sick person can't pander to them any longer so the ex friend has no use for them anymore.

I think it’s often a great deal more complicated than just abandoning a friend because they’re chronically ill.

I know someone who insists she’s been abandoned for that reason. That isn’t the reason. Nobody has ever had a problem with her being ill or needing various adaptations and so on to accommodate her. What they do have a problem is the fact that her whole personality has essentially become her illness. She talks about nothing else. She has no interest in anyone else’s lives and reacts to pretty much any personal news from others with either resentment or self-pity relating to her own condition. She has become extremely self-absorbed and is no longer pleasant company.

My 2 best friends dumped me - they are both self-centred drama queens. They can’t around someone who has bigger probelems than them Becausse it takes them be attention away from them.

However, Somebody I hardly knew has been very kind to me.

Can be lots of things.

• Not knowing what to do.

• The hugeness of the illness dramatically changing how the ill friend interacts with the world.

• The ill person talking about it all the time generally.

• The fact that being chronically and seriously ill can make you selfish and self-involved (understandably so! I've been through a period of long-term severe illness and I was boring even to myself - I was not a good friend).

• Weirdness about a kind of jealousy for the attention or interest to be on the sick person.

• The friendship dynamic being altered if the illness changes what activities you can do together etc.

• The non-ill friend being used to be the more dominant/centred one in a friendship.

• Someone not having the capacity to support with something that big because of their own stuff, and either feeling guilty/knowing you can't just not acknowledge it/the ill person being annoyed or hurt by this

Loads of things - both on the behalf of the ill or non-ill friend. Sometimes neither's fault. I've been the very ill friend for a long time and I absolutely know it dominated what I thought about (and how I interacted with the world, changed what kind of person I was to interact with, etc - I was bitter and resentful of people who weren't ill, even if I didn't show it 99.9% of the time). I've also got friends with chronic longterm illnesses - some who seem no different at all, some who have become very different people as a result.

I really don’t want to sound like I’m victim blaming but I think it depends on the person. My long term best friend has a chronic illness, and whilst I haven’t ghosted her, it’s hard. She’s draining and bitter. You can’t say anything good about your life, it’s met “well it’s alright for some, some of us can’t get out of bed” comments. Ask about their day and it’s a list of ailments, no joy in anything. Any texts sent in the day are always a rant about their medication or the nhs, never to share something good or ask about you. I’ve tried every way I can think to adapt social situations so she can join in, but it’s always a negative answer. I understand it must be hell to live with a chronic illness but there’s only so much you can do for someone.

Well this is the other extreme and anyone would find that hard to deal with.

@MonsteraDeliciosa

IMO it could be because people don't want to end up as that person's home-help and carer, being expected to run errands, and do chores for them, helping them, fetching their meds, taking them shopping, and taking them to medical appointments and the like. It's easy to get dragged in when someone becomes ill and needs help, and end up being their servant! 😬

For this reason, I never offer to help anyone. I will help in an emergency, but I will not offer, as there's too high a risk of them using me whenever they need something/need a lift.

I have had far too much experience over the years, of people using me, taking the piss, and treating me like their servant, or their free taxi.... Also, when my DC were younger/at school, some of the local mums using me as a free babysitter for their DC, because they couldn't be arsed with them half the time. 'Ooooh, she likes it at YOUR house' they would say, and I was stupid enough to fall for it, and ended up feeding and looking after half a dozen neighbour kids all day (and half of the evening,) for about 4-5 years, because I couldn't see I was being used.

tl;dr, they never had my DC at theirs!

My DSIS was diagnosed with a chronic illness last year and she has lost all but one of her friends. They all told her she became dull, self-centered and annoying. It's devastating, but in some ways she's glad to actually know who she can count on.

I sort of did this, although not intentionally. Here's why-

Best friends for 20 years. Looooong history of me being the "supportive one" and helping my friend though various marriage crises, work crises, family crises etc etc I used to drop everything when she needed me, listened for hours on end about her husband's poor behaviour, travelled an hour or so to meet with her, listened to her job woes and gave advice etc

Then, when one of the few times I had a crisis we arranged a phone call (as we live about 2 hours apart) and she "forgot" the time I was meant to ring her and didnt answer. I was in tears by this point, I had been there for her whenever she needed me and the one fucking time I asked for support she "forgot".

Other stuff happened like she excluded me from a meet-up with mutual college friends on my birthday and lied to me about it but still I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Then, a couple of years ago she had some serious health problems - I, again, was there for her. Texted her often offering support and got radio silence back. She never replied to me, never rang me back etc By this point I had had enough of being treated like shit and so I dropped the rope entirely.

Two years passed by and then I get a phone call from her telling me how she'd been having all these tests and was so worried about her health. By this point I simply didnt have it in me to care any more. I dont wish her ill and I hope she is ok, but after years and years of bending over backwards to support her and getting nothing back I simply couldn't do it any more. It was making me feel like I was being used.

I dont hate her or anything but frankly, I dont care any more about her health issues. Perhaps if she wanted support she could have just once in those two years considered my feelings for once. But she didnt, and so as far as I am concerned our friendship is done and she'll have to navigate her health issues alone I'm afraid. However, if you were on the outside looking in and didnt know all this, you would probably assume I am cold and heartless.

Please bear in mind that just because someone is experiencing health issues, it doesnt mean that their previous behaviour was always 100% kind or decent.

Sometimes there are genuine reasons why people withdraw.

I'd say that the person probably always behaved this way, and the ill friend over compensated for it. Some people are givers, but the majority are takers. You only need to read the posts on here most days for half an hour to realise this.

This happened to a very close friend of mine. She had a breakdown and ended up sectioned, has been released now but is understandably very fragile. Our other close friend had tried to commit suicide about a year ago and it all was extremely triggering for her and she had to step back from the friendship. On the outside I imagine it looks awful, but people don’t always know the reasoning behind such things

I can only comment from my perspective.
I am the best friend. To everyone else the ill friend is upbeat and positive. To me she is borderline abusive. I have driven her to appointments. To work. Been there for her. Supported her. But she blames me for everything. For not being able to do things. For being ill. I am not allowed to have problems or worries. I should just be grateful to be alive and well. The friendship is very one sided. She will have huge meltdowns that no one else sees except me.
I would say you don’t know how someone is with other people. To everyone else she is the perfect inspiration on how to live with chronic disease. To me not so much and I am having to back away from the friendship

It happens with marriages too, but not as often when the man is ill. If the woman becomes ill, the chances of the marriage breaking down then shoot up and it happened to a friend of mine. So I'm not that surprised it happens with friends too, they haven't even made vows and some people are just simply selfish, so if a friendship is no longer suiting them, they'll disengage.

Thanks again for all your thoughts on this.
Ill friend hasn’t asked ex-friend to look after them, drive them or do anything at all other than just be themselves.

They honestly have not been moaning, gloomy or demanding or withdrawn. Their prognosis is actually now very positive, despite a very scary initial diagnosis and suspected other complications.

I see that other situations may vary, and the ill person may give off negative vibes for whatever reason; also, that the “bad” friend may have too much to deal with to care (though personally I think keeping up usual level of friendship shouldn’t be too much to ask!)

Not just friends, partners do it too.

I always thought and I was grateful to have a few very close supportive friends. However, a couple of years ago I lost my job and two friends just dropped me. One I had known for decades. I was a really good friend to them both. Neither rang, texted or visited me and I stumbled through reeling from it all.

Then the decades old friend thought I would still spend hundreds of pounds that I didn't have on her birthday. It beggared belief.

But then you don't really know who is in your corner until you become sick, lose your job or you go through other trauma.

It's not just friendships. A large amount of romantic relationships end when one person becomes ill, usually always a male leaving a female.

Occasionally there are other things going on - whether the ill person isn't as upbeat as your friend or has a history of needing support and the illness is just the final straw that breaks the friend's back, or if it's more on the friend side and the illness coinciding with a time they are also struggling with something else and don't have anything left to give to support others.

But the majority of the time it's selfishness. People want a village but don't want to be villagers. You see it a lot on here with the 'my little family'-ers.

I have cut off friends because when they got sick their entire personality became their sickness. Every conversation returned at their insistence, to their illness. These types of people often fall into the typical sick role and become border line incapable by choice and then complain constantly about the injustice of life and blah blah blah.

I find it exhausting and upsetting.

in contrast I’ve got multiple connective tissue disorders, an bipolar and adhd and have ptsd from childhood abuse. But very few people actually know that because I make a very active choice every day to live my life to the best that I can. I am a relentlessly positive person and I believe that happiness is a choice. And you can 100% choose to be happy despite being ill, even serious illnesses are a lesson that you can learn from and then evolve with. I learnt a very important lesson in humility when I was confined to a wheelchair for twelve months. I learned a huge amount about myself and my own prejudices and I became a better more tolerant person with a better world view. That’s not to say it wasn’t absolutely shit at times, there were days where I cried my leg off because I was in so much pain and so frustrated that my body had betrayed me. But I got up and used the next day as a fresh slate.

i think basically i just find resilience an attractive trait in people. I can’t stand people moping and pearl clutching when you are faced with a situation you can’t change. Dry your tears and make the best of what you have.

Fortunately ill friend’s partner is a gem and is going nowhere.

I wonder if these fair-weather friends ever look back with regret at their behaviour, or miss the friendship they once had? I suppose they convince themselves that they’re justified.

I know that what I’m about to say might come across as selfish but it’s my reality. I have had a rough few years - both of my parents were ill and died. I cared for them ( albeit shared with other family members who also did a huge amount.)My partner became seriously ill and spend a lot of time in hospital ( two consecutive Christmases spent in hospital) and I have unofficially become his carer. My sibling has been very unwell- they are single and our other siblings live far away so I have also been part of their care.
On top of this I had a serious accident and was hospitalised for a few weeks with a recovery lasting months. I work full time in a senior level high stress environment.
While I would love to be the friend everyone wants I simply don’t have the bandwidth. I’m exhausted and any free time I have I want to crash . On the rare occasions I get to spend with friends I really want these to be stress free and relaxed and not a never ending supportive role. I have friends who are going through stuff . I think that I have been reasonably supportive where I can but in all honesty I probably do avoid seeing them a bit because I really don’t think I have any more to give. Maybe some of this persons friends just have issues of their own they are trying to carry?

When I got cancer my best friend (for years and years since we were children) ghosted me. I think some people can’t cope with anything outside the norm or that have to have them think about that it can happen to anyone type thing.

I just found her a total shithead though

I think people can have unrealistic expectations of what others have available to give - both friends and relatives.

What does your friend want to be given? Emotional support? Practical support? Sympathy? Financial support?

People are wary of giving something and then being asked for more and more and more and then someone being annoyed when they say 'enough'.

Sometimes it's better to limit at the start what you provide.

All is not always what it seems though.

In my case - I and DF1 look like a couple of right cows as we withdrew from Friend2 just as she was starting to use a wheelchair (purchased by herself).

To those who knew us; we reached the point of no return when her lying about us, herself, other friends etc got too much. This of course coincided with her deteriorating “physical” condition that I have zero doubt originated from her poor mental health.
DF1 and I had spent years supporting and quietly being very puzzled why her own sister kept her distance. What mugs we were.
I likened her then to a spider spinning a web around her and pulling us into it. Took a long time for me to trust my judgement again.
It was very sad, she’s an unwell lady - just not in the way she displayed.