People who abandon a chronically/seriously unwell friend. Why does this happen?

[MonsteraDeliciosa]

I had typed out my loooong story but didn’t want to bore you with the details; and having read of similar on here and elsewhere before, realise the actual details are unimportant.

There is a common phenomenon of people abandoning or stonewalling close friends who have developed serious or chronic illness, and/or have become less physically able.
Why is this? It is so cruel. I can’t understand it and my heart is breaking for someone I love who is being similarly treated.

Does anyone have any insight into this?

Sometimes ppl feel really ill and until you are in those shoes, I wouldt judge others.

They say most ppl only have about 2 or 3 REAL friends.

I have a friend who this happened to. My friend was in hospital with a few health problems, given the wrong drugs that meant her kidneys were shutting down. The other friend (a retired nurse) and I went to visit her and friend told me when we left how concerned she was for her. So friend comes out of hospital and I visited regularly and eventually she asked if I'd heard from the other friend, which I hadn't. Turned out she'd never been in touch and had ignored all contacts. The sick friend was incredibly hurt by all this. They see each other at a club and the previously sick friend makes a point of going over to speak to her. But she's still none the wiser as to why she was ghosted when she was at her lowest.

I think to a certain extent it is understandable. People have a lot going on in their lives. I have a chronic illness and I have few friends now that I see. I absolutely understand that they are busy with their own lives and I'm a hopelessly flaky person to try and make arrangements with now.

Living with a chronic illness makes it hugely difficult to plan anything because I have no idea how I'm going to feel that day and whether I can even get out of bed. The most I generally manage is to arrange for friends to occasionally call in for a coffee with me, but even then there are days I've had to get DH to phone and say, 'She's not up to it today'. It must be annoying for them if they've arranged to come over and then I drop out.

I would argue that I've probably abandoned them, rather than the other way round. I find it very tiring to socialise at all.

@Hatty65 Thats very honest of you. I am sorry you are struggling- that must be so frustrating.

Having read many replies on this thread, I suspect the real question isn't “Should you abandon a friend when they become ill?” Because the answer is most obviously no to that.

It's “At what point does supporting a friend become a role that neither person ever agreed you would take on?”
That's a much more complicated question - and a much more interesting and pertinent one and I think this gets to the heart of why people drift away.

I've also often wondered this.
Maybe lots of people have a deep-seated fear of vulnerability and can't stand to see it in others? Even through they know logically that everyone dies, they don't have the robustness of spirit to be alongside someone who is reminding them of this?
Sometimes I wonder if it's evolutionarily engrained in some way- make some members of the tribe so repulsed by illness and death that they're almost guaranteed to avoid any contagious illness. It's not nice though. Much prefer being around people who are deeply compassionate.

@jewelIedblade Thank you, that was kind. That's an excellent question to be honest. Friendships do change, and I'm not sure it is fair to blame the person who has drifted from an ill friend.

Similarly if one of you still wants to continue the party girl lifestyle whereas one of you now has small children. Your lives have gone in different directions. I have had to retire through ill health and have friends who are loving the ability to travel to far flung destinations and do amazing classes now they are work and child free. I absolutely understand that I'm no fun to be with! I don't want to go to London for the weekend to see a show. It would be exhausting and I want my bed by about 9pm at the latest. I used to be the girl that would stay out til 3am and I'm no longer that. I'm tired most of the time.

I think friendships ebb and flow with life and are generally based around common interests and activities to be honest. It is ok to let them go when you have nothing left in common. I do not want to be a burden on anyone, and I certainly don't want anyone spending time with me because they feel they 'ought' to. My energy is limited and precious.

I have had to do a lot of caring for family members over the last 30 years and while I care about my friends and try to help when they are widowed or ill, I have to limit the extent to which I get involved. I remind myself that they have family and other friends.

It's a shame it does happen thou !.
I'm currently in a bad flare chronic pain psoriatic arthritis and axial spondyarthris!
I have withdrawn from people and my usual activities so people might think I'm being rude but it's honestly I can't stand people seeing me like this , also struggling in the mornings getting ready so hate making arrangements.
Couple of friends have asked me how I am I think they know what I'm like and once I'm fixed up with my medication I'll resume and be normal so In that respect I have friends who do understand but I have also lost a lot of friends but I dont blame them tbh
People probs think I'm flaky and I don't really like talking about my condition so it's my own fault sometimes

I have seen it happen Op, and it is sad, but in some cases, completely understandable.

DH has an extended family member, who has become progressively more disabled , and needs a lot of support and care.

Unfortunately, she has a difficult personality, which her illness has possibly exacerbated. But she can be very demanding of people - and when they do her ‘ favours’ , she forgets her manners, does not thank them, and basically demands more of them. There comes a point when they step away, as her behaviour does not suggest she cares for, or respects, her friends and family.

Sympathy and compassion can get burned through pretty quickly.