People who abandon a chronically/seriously unwell friend. Why does this happen?

[MonsteraDeliciosa]

I had typed out my loooong story but didn’t want to bore you with the details; and having read of similar on here and elsewhere before, realise the actual details are unimportant.

There is a common phenomenon of people abandoning or stonewalling close friends who have developed serious or chronic illness, and/or have become less physically able.
Why is this? It is so cruel. I can’t understand it and my heart is breaking for someone I love who is being similarly treated.

Does anyone have any insight into this?

Some people can't deal with illness, some people can't not be the center of attention, some people aren't as good a friend as you think they are.
And others are pissed off with people dropping out at short notice, Ive lost a lot of friends as I'm sometimes flakey due to illness. I want to go, but I can't.

I have been on the receiving end of being abandoned (or very much downgraded) and also backed out of a couple of difficult friendships.

Most of my friends stepped forward when things got horrendous in my life; a few stepped back. I was quite surprised and very upset for a couple of years, but now I see that these things ebb and flow. It also means that when things have gone wrong for them, which I don't wish on anyone, I don't need to step forward for them. I know now that it's not reciprocal, and that I can just send a Happy New Year text once a year or like their posts on FB, and I don't need to do any more than that.

Most of my friends were great though, helped with food, appointments and were just there for me. It was a long time though and I hated being the object of pity; it also makes you very boring as you pretty much only have stress and hard things to talk about, it's hard to remain upbeat when you are having the worst time, even if you are, there's a shadow over you.

I have backed out of a couple of friendships when it became clear their behaviour was just dysfunctional, as in over the top, dramatic and was sucking me in. I feel bad, I know they will have interpreted it as rejection but I can't risk my own MH in that type of way.

Mostly now I'm older I have a good sense of different types of friendship, and I wouldn't ask a 'out with the girls' type friend for favours or a friend I see once every couple of years for regular help. True friends who would drop everything are quite rare, I wouldn't do that for many and many wouldn't for me.

I think the risk is if you only have one or two friends, and you perhaps don't have a good reading on the nature of the friendship, you can be surprised when they back out, but I bet there were signs they weren't so invested before that, or that they liked a particular dynamic which is now spoiled.

I think nobody thinks about the strain you can put on a friend expecting them to effectively be an unpaid therapist, sometimes for YEARS. I've recently fallen out with a very close friend (she was my bridesmaid, friends for over a decade), who has become more and more self obsessed due at least in part to chronic pain and mental health problems. She isn't willing to do anything to help herself, she just wants to complain endlessly and must always be the centre of attention - demanding attention for a car crash she caused (and wasn't hurt in) when I was less than a week post partum without so much as asking how I was doing, for one of many examples. Absolutely no interest shown in my life for YEARS, it was all about her no matter what was going on with me. She felt we were still close because I knew everything about her, but she never stopped to think she didn't really know anything about me anymore. After some atrocious behaviour at an event for my baby I called her out and she has cut me off, no doubt telling everyone that I'm unsupportive of her being unwell. There are always two sides to a story though...

What does your friend want to be given? Emotional support? Practical support? Sympathy? Financial support?

None of the above! Literally nothing other than their usual friendship. That has been withdrawn though.

Going by what I read on MN most people mistake aquaintences for friends, so consequently find themselves disappointed because they've misunderstood the level of friendship.

Depends what the illness is really. 🤷‍♀️

I've lost a lot of friends but I am not very good company any more (anxiety and depression) so I really don't blame them. And its been years. Does make me sad though.

I'd say it's common. Just have a read of the cancer threads. It happened to me and happened to lots of women I know who had breast cancer.
In my case a friend who I used to meet up with frequently and we were on the same voluntary body. She just disappeared after the initial oh dear I'm sorry to hear that.
I actually pulled her up on it after a few months. I messaged and said I was disappointed not to hear from her. She was mortified and apologised but I never heard any more. I think she's generally the sort who is wrapped up in herself and has lots of friends and a busy social life.
Otoh other people who weren't close friends stepped up surprisingly. Messaged regularly, offered help, sent flowers.

I've done this because I was being used as his therapist. I was having my own problems at the time and couldn't deal with his too (he had no idea of my problems and I didn't wish to disclose them )

I think this is true.

I mistook old friends for people who would step forward in a crisis, despite not having been very entwined in each other's lives. I would have done so I presumed they would, but they didn't and that's ok. I have other, deeper friendships now.

I think most friendships are based around doing things or going to places together. If someone is no longer able to go, they don't do it any more so the friendship drifts. I don't think it's as cold as abandoning someone because they're unwell.

I run and have some good friends at running club. When I am injured and can't run I might get an occasional how's it going text but I don't see them much. The same happened to my parents when they stopped playing golf. Long standing friends just drifted- as much because they didn't get in touch when they weren't playing anymore than necuase the friends didn't.

It also happens when someone gives up drinking. The thing you did with friends has gone.

This has happened to me this year. Completely dropped by one friend as the other looked on and followed suit a few months later. Really shit and I feel really sad about it

What a lovely friend you sound. Your friend is fortunate to have you. She also sounds as though she's not letting the illness change her too much, if she continues to be the same person she always was. I love that you both have belly laughs in hospital!
I have a friend who has several diagnosable illnesses and she has had a really tough time....yet she also stays positive and caring and although she does talk about her conditions a lot, she always asks after her friends and is very caring in return. She helped me through a tough time I was having recently. Yet sadly she has lost some of her friends 😟

I think there could be a number of reasons for this, and a lot depends on the nature of the friendship and the circumstances.

If this is a long-standing, close friend who has been there through life’s ups and downs, knows you well and has supported you through good and bad times, I’d wonder whether something else has happened to upset them, or whether there’s something going on in their life that has affected the friendship. Alternatively, if your illness is particularly challenging or has a poor prognosis, they may be frightened of losing you, or your situation may have triggered previous bereavement trauma. Some people cope with that fear by distancing themselves first, rather than facing the possibility of losing someone they care about.

On the other hand, if it’s more of a casual friendship, or someone who tends to be self-focused and isn’t particularly good at showing up for people when things get difficult, then this may simply be an extension of an existing pattern! Unfortunately, not everyone has the capacity or willingness to maintain a friendship when it requires more understanding and support.

Many men abandon their wives when seriously ill, it’s rare for women to abandon husbands.

I have not abandoned the friend I have who is now seriously disabled and neither has her DH thankfully. But friendships can just be because of a reason such as a shared hobby. When that reason is no longer possible then it’s over.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale I agree people can really mistake levels of friendship.

This thread does make me question our expectations of friends. I understand that for some, friends can become like family, and that’s a beautiful thing, but should we really expect so much of friends in general?

My most enduring friendships are ones where - years later - we still go out for dinner or coffee and have a laugh. Yes, we talk about things going on in our lives, but we don’t try and advise or fill in any gaps. And we both come away uplifted.

By contrast, I’ve had friendships with women that have practically made me their “wives”. I start getting invited to family do’s instead of dinner with them, or they bring along a sullen teenager (old enough not to need a babysitter), or I discover a catch up with them is squished in around some errands they have to do. These are the same women who complain we haven’t seen each other in “ages!”, trauma dump, and then smile brightly and say, “mustn’t complain!”.

It doesn’t seem to matter if I’ve seen what I call my true friends last week or a year ago. No pressure, no guilt tripping, because we understand life happens, and appreciate that we’ve both made time to be present with each other and we cherish that.

I’ve noticed this on other situations, too. It’s a bit like neighbours that you get on really well with, but when either moves away you realise that you no longer have as much in common as you thought.

Or circumstances bring people together, they get on well and meet for meals or a drink, even go on trips out, but when the original reason drops off, there’s very much less in common and you drift apart.

I've dropped contact with a friend who is seriously unwell. She has severe Mental Health issues which have resulted in some extreme behaviour. I have tried to support her but, ultimately, she has done and said some things which I find unforgivable. I know it's part of her illness but it is difficult to overlook them.

This has happened to my Mum. Brain tumour/ stage 4 cancer. She was so fit and bright before. Climbed mountains by herself, trip to Nepal, trip to New Zealand with walking mate. Can't really walk locally now. She still does have some good mates (ones from uni, they all graduated together in the 1960s). It's very sad but we try and keep her spirits up.

I think maybe you’re rather too close to this situation to see it objectively.

I have experienced this, sadly.

A very dear friend was mentally unwell, which we both knew and which she managed quite well. But she has become worse and can be quite frightening. I just can’t cope with it anymore. I keep in touch through a mutual friend and wish her well, but she’s not the person she used to be and I can’t deal with it.

This seems like a drip feed one - the details absolutely do matter. Otherwise, we're assuming the friend is an a-hole and they might not be. Could be all sorts going on between those two behind the scenes.

I know exactly what you mean, OP, sadly.

My darling best friend was diagnosed with a brain tumour at 32 years old. We were close before her diagnosis but after she got it we were actually closer than ever. 4 years of ups and downs, getting the all clear, then the worst news again. Threw myself out of a plane to raise money for American treatment that it turned out she was too late for, threw parties for her, had a key to her house etc. She died 2 years ago, I was there when she died and did the eulogy at her funeral.

During all this, she had a very close friend, call her Leanne, who she had been travelling with and was very close to. She completely disappeared when she first got her diagnosis. Even lied and said she wasn't in the town then my friend saw that she was. She was devastated. She told me she didn't want her at the funeral and she had no place there playing the grieving friend when she had done nothing to support her.

A few weeks after the funeral I got a message request from Leanne saying how sad she was and how had she been at the end. I didn't feel I had anything to lose at this point and was in my own swells of grief so told her straight. She was in pain, confused and was a shell of herself. But before that she was the normal woman we all loved. And you missed out. What got me as well is that by that point, selfishly, I could also have done with her being there for our friend. She gave apologies but then I think she blocked me, I don't remember, that time is all a blur tbh. All I know is the only regret I have is not being able to spend more time with the friend I loved, and that was not my choice, but Leanne did have a choice and she made it. That's her loss and one she will have to contend with for the rest of her life.

Friend would often have huge guilt to me and feel a burden, I would tell her in no uncertain terms to stop chatting shit and it is a privilege and an honour to be one of the ones to support her. It truly was Leannes loss.

I will never forget my friend.

What a wonderful friend you are Rapunzel
I’m so sorry you lost your lovely friend 💐

Some people lack the depth, compassion or empathy to be good friends. It really is that simple, albeit disappointing. I hope your friend finds people who rally around.