People who abandon a chronically/seriously unwell friend. Why does this happen?

[MonsteraDeliciosa]

I had typed out my loooong story but didn’t want to bore you with the details; and having read of similar on here and elsewhere before, realise the actual details are unimportant.

There is a common phenomenon of people abandoning or stonewalling close friends who have developed serious or chronic illness, and/or have become less physically able.
Why is this? It is so cruel. I can’t understand it and my heart is breaking for someone I love who is being similarly treated.

Does anyone have any insight into this?

I guess most friends are friends because of common interests, and maybe meet up for a coffee or a drink now and then, if a friend drops out of the common interests and can't get to the usual meet ups the friendship sort of withers away.

Also many people find it very hard to deal with other people's illnesses, they don't know what to say (or not say) or do (or not do) so tend to be less present. I don't think it is often a really deliberate slight, just a distancing from something they find difficult to deal with.

Well why were they 'seemingly annoyed' at the surgery?

I feel as though there may be some bias here and we're not getting the full story.

Or that you don't know the full story between the two of them.

I’ve been in a situation where I have lost friends because they don’t understand how to help. Really good friends. But other friends have stepped up because they do understand that situations like mine exist.

I’ve also got friends that I don’t know how to deal with, as they have illness that I don’t understand or are in a situation I don’t understand. But if they treat me badly, I don’t want to stay around them. If they treat me nicely, I’ll stick around, help them however I can. Some people can laugh about their problems, and they are the ones who will keep their friends.

It depends on how your own life has been, how yourself was brought up, how you are as a person.

Yes Ive found during the series of operations Ive just had my friends have disappeared including close ones.
I don't discuss my illness or go on and on about it but Im guessing they feel they will be dragged in emotionally or be roped into giving me lifts. Id never do that. I'm fiercly independant and wouldn't ask in the first place. But sadly this is what happens. Ive seen it time and time again.

I had a bereavement 4 months ago. It wasnt my only topic of conversation. A friend of 28 years recently ghosted me. I didnt realise at first, we were going to arrange a telephone call catch up as we do periodically, we text regulary between. No contact from her side for 6 weeks, no response to my texts even a short eg cant talk something has happened. I'll have to leave it but I am so upset.

@SwanRivers not sure annoyed is the right word, but they were OK leading up to surgery then sullen, evasive and actually lying about ill friend at the time of surgery and since. Ill friend has no idea why.
Biased? Yes, because fair-weathered friend has behaved badly after benefitting from ill friend’s friendship and support for years.

Sorry to those who have experienced similar behaviour from their “friends”

Ok but why are you so invested in their friendship?

Whatever the reason for this, there's nothing you can do about it except perhaps get the other friend's side of the story.

But only if they're willing to tell you.

It blatantly is you 😆
If it really isn't then you know a weird amount of information about their relationship

When my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my Mum called their closest friends straight away to
let them know. These were people they had known for years, been on holiday with, met up with at least once a week. They said “We can’t cope with this.” My Mum never heard from them again and only the husband came to the funeral. She was so hurt by it.

My OP was just asking for thoughts about this phenomenon in general. I didn’t bother posting the individual personal situation I’d originally written out as it got very long!

Im invested because ill friend is someone I care about and they’ve been badly treated.

Ok, if neither of these people are you, then I don’t think you are going to ever know what goes on between two friends. There could be all sorts of things there that you are not aware of.

It’s not me.

I haven't done that but I could see the circumstances when I maybe would. My dm was disabled from when I was around 12 and was extremely demanding and quite unreasonable at times, I stood by and cared for years, my teen dc has just become disabled and likewise is demanding and unreasonable at times ( totally understandable and I will always stand by and care), however if a friend became disabled and was like my mother or dc, I would have to cut them off for my own sanity.

Exactly. As awful as it is, people might not be able to cope... Struggling themselves.

Some people just cannot cope with illness-their own or anyone else's.

It's so hurtful when this happens. The worst for me (the unwell person) has been someone I thought was a very close friend who did visit, but (and it took a while to realise) it was to mine me about my health information and then gossip about it to all and sundry afterwards.

And the people who heard the gossip rarely got in touch to express sympathy or offer help
I am no longer in contact with this 'friend'.

The upside is that people I didn't consider myself close to have been incredibly supportive, and I am close to those now.

It happened to me. I don’t have anything to offer in the way of “friend currency” anymore and so have been cast aside

There can be nuances, as other posters have said, including the ill/injured person becoming completely focused on their illness or being constantly grouchy because they are frustrated/uncomfortable/in pain (which I'm not unsympathetic to, but it can become really wearing for the other person).

But here it sounds like it's just selfishness and self-centredness from the other person. Sounds like a "taker" who is now annoyed that service has been withdrawn. I had a work colleague like that. She would bang on about her best friend and all the fun stuff they did together. Then best friend lost her job and colleague just ditched her "because she can't afford to do the stuff I like any more". I was gobsmacked. It was as if she didn't actually like her as a person, just as a lifestyle mechanism.

Yeh there’s more to it that you just don’t know or accept I’m afraid.

Many people don’t have the bandwidth to be caring
they prioritise themselves. And many people here would advise them to do just that on all circumstances

And also many people don’t like to be reminded of life’s fragility

so they may be busy, emotionally exhausted, scared or just selfish

as as to whether they abu or not - that depends on how much the relationship has changed , how much is now needed from the ex friend and how much the friend might be getting in return

Sadly I think that’s it in this particular case, @honeylulu

But more broadly, as a phenomenon I see it is probably more nuanced than I had realised. I was only looking for general opinions really, but got drawn in to writing about “my own” situation which will differ from others’ situations.

It just never occurred to me that a best friend could abandon the other because of illness. But yes, looking after no.1 seems to be the most important thing these days, even if others have looked after them in their time of need.

This. Same with if you’re going through grief, cancer scares, family stress etc
Some good friends disappear and then some who you considered acquaintances go above and beyond.

I've never had a friend who has needed a high level of support, nor have I ever asked it of a friend myself. I tend to prefer fairweather/good times/situational/distance friendships as my family are the ones who need my support and I wouldn't have the capacity to give that much attention or headspace to a friend. I wouldn't abandon them either but would just keep up the same level of friendship, but I wouldn't be able to give them any more time.

Last year I went through a bit of a tough time. One of my young relatives died suddenly, and my remaining parent had to have 2 operations. I had to deal with some things I never thought I would have to, and I was a bit of a sad sack to be around.

One of my northern work friends said to me "how old are you?(I'm in my 50's). Well, then pull up your big girl pants and get on with it". And she is right. Unless you are very young (under 25) you need to wo/man up when life hands you lemons and your friends and family need you. It is no excuse that you cannot cope with other's illnesses.

If you abandon a friend or relative in need, then you are just a coward.