You can't tell me off, you're not my mum

[Vegetablespringrolls]

Ds5 is 12, autistic and with the emotional development of a toddler, although he is cognitively able. He's also going through puberty so has those hormones going on too.

Recently if my MIL or FIL tells him off he will tell them they shouldn't be telling him off when I or his dad are there. And to be fair he is right. But mil and fil are moaning that he is being rude to them. Which he technically is.

I don't know what to do about it. Unfortunately inlaws go to our church and are our landlords so we can't go no contact. I've told them repeatedly not to tell him off when me and his dad are present but they say we aren't strict enough with him.

Explain to your son that they CAN tell him off.

What kind of things are they telling him off for?, for example my dad pulls up my neice for not saying please/thank you or if shes getting back chatty with my brother (her dad) , but nothing more than that.

Well you either believe it takes a village or you don't, I guess.

I had absolutely no issue with my DC's grandparents telling them off when they were rude or doing something they shouldn't.

However, any punishments were down to me and their dad to set.

Why do you think they shouldn't tell him off when he's rude to them, regardless of whether you're there or not?

Why cant they tell him off?

Why are you leaping to non-contact over a minor disagreement?

This.

You are enabling him being rude to them.

I'm also curious as to where he got the idea from that he's allowed to be rude to them without them telling him off?

And to be fair he is right.
he’s not though, adults some not even related to him, will tell him off in life. Explain to him, that this can happen.

Why aren't they allowed to tell him off?

You've obviously told him that its only dh and you that are allowed to tell him off.

My children's grandparents could tell them off if they were doing something they shouldn't.

What sort of things are they telling him off for?

Depends on what he’s doing. If the things they are telling him off for are unacceptable behaviours, then you’re not doing him any favours by letting him think he can get away with it if you’re not looking. You should be backing them up and challenging his rudeness. If you don’t think he deserves telling off, that’s another issue that you need to discuss with PILs

I think it depends on what they are saying when they're rebuking him, if they're practicing the kind of discipline you're comfortable with and if they're making appropriate accommodations for his disability.

He's not necessarily technically right that no one except his parents should speak to him about unacceptable behaviour.

Context is everything and you've given none.

He is not right. If my DC are being little pricks and I am either absent or failing to deal with them effectively, it is perfectly acceptable for any adult present to give them a good ticking off.

If they were rude to their grandparents, they'd be getting a bollocking from me AND them. And probably a smack from.their grandma, she doesn't take any shit.

I wouldn't take rudeness from my own kids, certainly won't take it from someone else's.

I'd tell them to stop being so fucking rude if they don't like being told off. I am not obliged to be polite to anyone who isn't extending me the same courtesy.

so you admit he is rude to them and you don’t think that they should tell him off . What a load of nonsense. Your attitude is where your son gets it from , so start telling him they they can tell him off .

If he’s rude, then whoever he’s being rude to can admonish in my opinion. Why are you saying that your son is right to tell his grandparents they can’t when you say he is being rude? Autistic does not mean he can do as he pleases - you certainly aren’t helping him develop by doing this.

What happens when a teacher tells him off?
It's hard to judge unless we know what he's done. When my DC were little I would be fine with grandparents, if he was visiting a friend their parent ticking them off if appropriate.
Are you suggesting they are telling him off when he's done nothing?

What are they telling him off for? If he's in thier house and behaving badly then I think they do have the right.

That are perfectly entitled to tell him off, as is any adult looking after him. Tell your ds he ne DS to be respectful.

This isn’t his autism, this is parenting. Most of us would immediately say “granny and grandad can absolutely tell you off if you’re behaving badly - where did you get the idea they can’t?” My parents also have different rules they expect, and that’s fine. You behave to different standards in didn’t situations in life and by 12 they should understand that. I’d hate to be your dc teacher.

Surely if he's being rude to them, they can tell him off?

I've had that from one of my child's friends "you can't tell me off you're not my mum" as she kicked my cat. I told her "I'm not your mum but I am A mum". Then sent her home.

Technically he is wrong

anyone can tell him off if he does something wrong

and if you are not picking up on his behaviour other people will step in. Although really they perhaps should have a go at you ? But as grandparents they do have a role in raising a child

Your son is Autistic posters will tell you he is being rude and misbehaving, some will even say they or their children are Autistic but not rude like your "awful son" what you need to work out with the grandparents if they understand their grandson or not ?

Why would you consider going NC because of your child’s behaviour?

or is there something else you’re not telling us about the in laws.

i would change the narrative. Tell him you understand that he doesn’t like them telling him off.

they can, however tell him when he’s being rude or hurting their feelings, just as he can tell anyone who does the same.

talk to the in-laws and ask them to phrase it as “please stop that, your actions make me feel” rather than “stop It, you’re naughty”

Technically they are right? So he's rude? Someone needs to step up and you seem very reluctant.

You tell him he is 12 years old and doesn’t get to decide what adults do/don’t do and that they can and will tell him off if they think it’s needed

When I look after my nephews and grandchildreni absolutely DO tell them off if they need it. Is part of care giving and if they are responsible for his safety then they 100% need to be able to reprimand him in order to keep him safe. All of my DNs and GSs are neuro divergent and that means when I have them I need to have very strict boundaries and rules and those rules are different to the ones they have at home. They live on a quiet estate, I live on a very busy main road with just 4ft of pavement where the buses and Lorry’s whiz by. If I’m having 2,3,4 of them then I am absurdly strict because it’s in their best interest. My daughter and my sister are fine with this and despite my strictness the kids behave impeccably with me (because they actually thrive from strict rules but blended with the illusion of choice). I can take 4 ND Kids age 10,7,5 and 3 across 3 main roads and walk a mile to our local play ground without any even near miss . Their parents can’t seem to walk the 50m to school without a fight breaking out and a brawl between just 2 of them not I do appreciate that I’ve got 30 years of parenting ND kids under my Belt.

They are telling him off because someone needs to, and you aren't doing it.