You can't tell me off, you're not my mum

[Vegetablespringrolls]

Ds5 is 12, autistic and with the emotional development of a toddler, although he is cognitively able. He's also going through puberty so has those hormones going on too.

Recently if my MIL or FIL tells him off he will tell them they shouldn't be telling him off when I or his dad are there. And to be fair he is right. But mil and fil are moaning that he is being rude to them. Which he technically is.

I don't know what to do about it. Unfortunately inlaws go to our church and are our landlords so we can't go no contact. I've told them repeatedly not to tell him off when me and his dad are present but they say we aren't strict enough with him.

You’ve asked them not to tell him off, they’re doing it anyway. If they don’t like the response the can stop. This isn’t your problem to fix imo.

if anything they’re being incredibly rude and he’s dealing with it because you aren’t. I’d be absolutely fuming if dm or mil got involved whilst I was dealing with dc tbh.

If you’re there you should be telling him off, especially if you don’t want the gp to do it. I mean, someone has to don’t they?

My mother like my grandmother before her, spoils her grandchildren simultaneously holding them to very high behaviour standards.

My grandmother had similar expectations in church from very young ages, and we survived unharmed.

We accept that the children will be disciplined by my parents as much as we were disciplined by theirs; and they'llbe disciplinedby other adults too. As a result, I have a village of support for my daughter which means I could pop off to anywhere at anytime, and she'll be properly loved and cared for.
The thought of going no contact with them for these reasons is ridiculous.

@Vegetablespringrolls
Of course they can tell him off for being rude
And DH plus you dithering about the matter
Probably encourages him to be incredibly rude to them as he knows he'll get away with it so you
Tell him his grandparents have DHs and your permission to tell him off for any bad behaviour and he's not allowed to answer back and if he's not happy/thinks it was unfair when it happens he tells you/DH about it and youll both decide if they were in the right and if they are then the telling off is to be taken very seriously
He has to learn the world doesn't just cater to him and most people can be quite intolerant out there

That's what my DC did with IL who often undermined - Mum/Dad says we can not do that - or I'll check with mum first.

They weren't around every day though and we were not dependent on them - though if we had been I'd have still politeley have said that a decion for DH and I just may have had more consquences.

OP why are you going straight to considering no contact. If you have a problem with them thinking you’re not strict enough with him then just talk to them and straighten out any problems or misconceptions. And then simply explain to him that they absolutely can tell him off and not to be so rude to them.

You’re not drip-feeding! You’re starting a conversation half way through, and turns out it was the wrong conversation anyway!! I get it if you’ve got 5 kids and at least one has severe extra need. But might be better to post when you have some peace and quiet and can fully engage with your post??

There's a difference between 'telling him off' (which smacks of I'm the adult, you're the child, I will tell you the rules and enforces them) and your PILs being able to express their own boundaries and standards.

I don't tell my dgc off, but I do tell them when they've said something that I didn't want to hear. So, it's not 'you're being bad' rather 'I'm not happy with that.'

I’m in the camp that days that of course the GPS can tel DS off, as can a teacher, a policeman or any other adult if they observe a child behaving dangerously or poorly. That’s the conversation you have with your child.

And his autism isn’t a get out of parenting card for you - if he is cognitively bright he will totally understand that bad behaviour can be called out by anyone, especially if it is targeted at them, but that consequences (or ‘punishments’) can only be decided and implemented by parents (outside school).

Doesn’t mean he’ll like it, but no child does, no matter where they sit on the diversity spectrum. You’ll have to sit with both your and his discomfort as he learns this lesson. And he will.

Change churches and find a different landlord, alternatively tell him he is being rude and they can tell him off.

Not really. It's just that some people read it differently. I took it to mean that DS was rude after they had told him off "You're not my mum!".
In fact the GPs have different expectations from the parents, as is often the case, and really should not be undermining the parents.

This.

Seen later posts now, having missed it. The message is still the same but it is important to sit down with GPs and explain what is causing the friction and how his autism means that he may respond differently/slower to their instructions. If there is a PDA element, then speak to them about avoiding demand-based instructions. It is unreasonable not to expect the GPs to need some support/scaffolding into more effective communication strategies.

People are being pretty harsh OP.

My dc have ASD (now adults) and they take time to process things, so if I ask them to do something it can take a little while for them to respond. OP is saying that grandparents are jumping in and telling him off for not doing as he’s asked straight away?

Yes DS is coming across as rude but it’s likely he has heard OP tell grandparents to stop telling him off. DS has listened but grandparents haven’t? I would be a bit annoyed if my parents tried to tell my dc off whilst I was dealing with it myself.

Maybe you need a good talk with them to explain your DS’s processing time? I have had to explain it to my parents as they fire of questions too fast that my dd can’t process…..so then she doesn’t answer (which is apparently rude).

It's more for you- It's a shame when you are being told you're unreasonable although many would feel you are being reasonable knowing more about the situation.

The grand-parents don't want to learn about autism so therefore should be told by you that they are not to intervene. My lovely Mil has not only learnt about autism- she goes out of her way to accomodate my son who struggle with heavy ocd. That's real love.

You PiL are being discriminatory towards your DS, overbearing towards both of you and they are undermining you authority as a parent. I can see why you’re annoyed with them, but I do think it’s far too minor to be considering going no contact even if they weren’t your landlords, etc.

I would tackle things two fold - lower the opportunities that your PiL have to tell him off. Does he want to go to church? He’s old enough to make up his own mind at this stage, but if he does, look for a church with a friendlier service that he will be more engaged with. If not, and it’s not appropriate to leave him home alone and both you and SH want to attend, take it in turns or one of you find a service at a different time. If there are other flashpoints, reengineer them too. When you ask him to do something say as a part of it “anytime that’s convenient in the next 10 minutes, sweetheart.” (Or whatever timeframe and endearment works!).

secondly, teach your DS a better way to respond. He just needs a form of words that isn’t so rude. Maybe “I’ll bear that in mind.” Or “I hear you, but I don’t think that’s what my mum wants. I’ll check with her.” And you need to stand up for yourself if your PiL undermine you. If they start to contradict you say to them “PiL that’s not what I’ve asked of him. It’s okay, he’s not being disobedient.” Or similar. If they keep it up then something more like “I appreciate you mean well, but undermining my parental authority is unhelpful” [possibly “ungodly” if that will land better with them].

Are you concerned about them withdrawing support (eg housing) if you don’t appear to accept their view of what’s appropriate?

He’s not interested in church. Let him stay home and tell you PIL to mind their own business for the rest of it.

This. If he is rude and you or your DH do not tell him off they certainly should be telling him off. You could prevent a lot of this by being g stricter with him.