You can't tell me off, you're not my mum

[Vegetablespringrolls]

Ds5 is 12, autistic and with the emotional development of a toddler, although he is cognitively able. He's also going through puberty so has those hormones going on too.

Recently if my MIL or FIL tells him off he will tell them they shouldn't be telling him off when I or his dad are there. And to be fair he is right. But mil and fil are moaning that he is being rude to them. Which he technically is.

I don't know what to do about it. Unfortunately inlaws go to our church and are our landlords so we can't go no contact. I've told them repeatedly not to tell him off when me and his dad are present but they say we aren't strict enough with him.

They are not telling him off for being rude to them, he is being rude to them after they tell him off. I tell him it's not ok for him to be rude to them. I'm not sure how he can not do what they are telling him while still being polite.

Things they have told him off for recently are

Reading a book in church
Only singing the hymns in church that he likes
Talking with me about when he will have a bath rather than me telling him when he should have one.

Also if I ask him to do something and he doesn't do it immediately, they start shouting at him.

I am happy for them to tell him off when I'm not there but I don't think they should be telling him off for things when I'm there.

Well OP has admitted the child is being rude

if the child due to their autism was saying something that might be considered rude but wasn’t ment that way -they should be acting to clear up confusion. And to explain to the autistic child why their comms was off

because autism isn’t a get out of jail free card. It’s an explanation of why the child might struggle and need to learn something

You've seriously thought about going no contact with your IL, because they sometimes tell off your rude 12yo?

I'd argue that if he's switched on enough to pull the "You're not my mum" line, then he's old enough to realise he's been rude, and either stop, or apologize.

It takes a village to raise up a socially acceptable child, and if you're unwilling to do it, it's completely right that your parents are stepping up.

YABVVVU.

Well in these examples he’s right.

if it’s you’re request then it’s on you to pull him up if he doesn’t do it, not them.

the church stuff…aagh. Church is a boring as fuck for youngsters and I don’t blame him.

have you spoken to your in laws? I’d tell them at least he’s in church, keep discouraging him and he’ll stop going.

if they pull him up for something you’ve asked him to do, simply tell them it’s ok, you have it under control, no need for them to intervene.

as for your son, tell him to just not react.

You tell him it is not okay to be rude to them. That's too passive. What are the consequences for his rudeness?

You need to give him a proper telling-off for being rude to them, and you need to tell him to apologise.

Waste of time really, not putting this info in your opening post.

Or at least some of it.

I agree with you that this is inappropriate and over bearing. Rather than him trying to tell them anything, you should be saying very firmly, away from him, that you will deal with this yourself.

It sounds like a tense situation. You are not obliged to live in that house or go to that church.

This
kids need to know right from wrong whether they are autistic or not!!! That is no excuse. To be honest having input from someone other than parents is helpful - my children have no grandparents but I’d be grateful if someone was helping me and trying to guide my kids in the right direction.

How are they telling him off? What are they saying to him?

the most recent update is somewhat different to the original post.

Better idea; since your son sounds bored by church let him stay home reading books and sing whatever he wants to. Some of the worst hypocrites I've known have all been frequent churchgoers...

I'm afraid I'm a bit of a believer that this idea only mum and dad can correct behaviour is contributing to a society of kids growing up doing what they want in alot of ways! So unless they're being really mean or throwing weight around in front of you, then no they aren't in the wrong.

I remember growing up in the 90s it made more of an impression when someone other than parent told me off, as tbh you end up tuning your parents out.

I was always really grateful when someone else told DS off. And there have been loads from dgps to football coaches to other kids parents. Little git never seemed to listen to me, so I was always happy when someone else confirmed my way of thinking to him!

Why on earth would you go no contact over this FFS?

Yes they can tell him off. It takes a village to raise a child. You need to explain this to him in clear terms.

If I ask him to do something I usually give him a minute or 2 to respond as he needs that time to process the information. I've said that to the inlaws multiple times. They don't seem to understand autism at all, even though their son has it. I've suggested that they go on an understanding autism course for grandparents (we have done a few ourselves) but they say no.

I am happy for them to tell him off if he hurts them or their possessions or doing something dangerous but I can't remember when he last did any of those things anyway.

How are they "telling him off"?
Are they asking him not to do those things and explaining why or shouting orders at him?
As for the bath issue that comes across a bit strange, surely a 12 yr old know to wash daily?
what are your thoughts on the things they are "telling him off " for? And how do you deal with those issues.

Oh gosh!!

So basically, your in-laws expect perfection and people pleasing behaviours from everyone, in order to conform.

You need to stand up for your Son. Explain to them, calmly, that he is allowed to not want to sing..that some people will go to church and sit silently and that's perfectly fine.
They cannot expect others, especially a child with additional needs, to do everything that THEY want or expect.
He's his own person.

I suspect this may be the start of a change in dynamics within the family.
Don't fear it... they have no right to dictate how your Son should be interacting, or not.

They sound controlling and unreasonable.

You don't mention your DH whose parents these are.

What's his view?

Oh and shouting...
Not fucking acceptable.

They expect him to conform/comply, or they shout and become aggressive? No, fuck all that.

Sorry for the drip feed. I always forget that on mumsnet people don't know the background information.

This!

The fact that you believe this @Vegetablespringrolls is a problem. If you put him on a pedestal then he will never listen to anyone. If he is rude to his grandparents then they should be able to tell him off.

Do they shout at him in your presence?

I would be explaining to them that they need to work on their own communication and that shouting isn't necessary.

You mean you changed the context when people didn’t agree?

As grandparents, we wouldn’t dream of telling any of our grandchildren off if their parents were there.

Nailed it