You can't tell me off, you're not my mum

[Vegetablespringrolls]

Ds5 is 12, autistic and with the emotional development of a toddler, although he is cognitively able. He's also going through puberty so has those hormones going on too.

Recently if my MIL or FIL tells him off he will tell them they shouldn't be telling him off when I or his dad are there. And to be fair he is right. But mil and fil are moaning that he is being rude to them. Which he technically is.

I don't know what to do about it. Unfortunately inlaws go to our church and are our landlords so we can't go no contact. I've told them repeatedly not to tell him off when me and his dad are present but they say we aren't strict enough with him.

Maybe stop bothering with Church for a start? It’s pointless indoctrination of kids and he clearly doesn’t really enjoy it.

By now, not even you or your husband should tell him off. That's for younger children.
You need to
-ask why he did what he did, not as a rhetorical question
-listen to answer
-ask more, listen more
-say back how you understood situation
-explain how it affecting others
-keep listening during discussion
-ask him to find better solution to similar situation, suggest if needed

It certainly seems like it.

Because how could anyone forget that complete strangers on the internet, wouldn't know the background information of another complete stranger's family?

Discussion is preferable to telling off also because discussing takes long time. Lots of your's and your son's time. He might just behave better cause doesn't want to go through it.

I think the telling off has to be in context…….if IL’s see your DS is in danger then surely you’d want them to step in to prevent him coming to harm. Same with poor manners or answering back even if you are present.
Time for a conversation with the whole family I think, firm but gentle words will achieve far more.

OP, if you think your in-laws are unjustified in telling him off, then you need to get DH to have a word with them, and let them know that only his parents can tell him off. If, however, you think MIL and FIL are within their rights and are telling him off reasonably, speak to your DS.

If I was looking after a rude grandchild and wasn't able to tell them off for being rude or for other bad behaviour then I'd probably not babysit anymore.

Children of all ages and capabilities need boundaries, it serves them well later in life. Sorry OP, I think you're in the wrong here.

"Balloonhearts · Today 11:28
He is not right. If my DC are being little pricks and I am either absent or failing to deal with them effectively, it is perfectly acceptable for any adult present to give them a good ticking off."

@Balloonhearts has nailed it. This with absolute bells on.

I have a huge issue with parents who raise their children to believe that the only people who can correct them are their parents. Those parents are doing their DCs and society a huge disservice and I think it is a quick way to create very badly behaved children.

Also, as others have sad: children need boundaries. It scares them if no boundaries are enforced.

Even without the update I have sympathy for your position OP.

People should not start telling off children when their own parents are there, present, watching and ready to intervene. Yes in laws, grandparents, and anyone else in charge of the child should certainly be able to correct them when they are the ones minding the child or if the child is about to do something dangerous but anyone talking over a parent to correct a child is just interfering.

Dh had much younger siblings when I was dating him. I used to watch as every adult in the room - parents, adult siblings, girlfriends of adult siblings- corrected them for something small - 5 people saying "don't do that with your fork:. I could nearly see the kids' eyes glazing over as it just became a chorus of "don't don't don't" - absolutely ineffective. Reminded me of the cartoon about what you say to a dog and what a dog hears.

It may take a village and all that but that doesn't mean the village has act like a chorus of disapproval when the mother and father are right there.

OP, I'd explain to your son that he should not respond negatively or rudely to your in laws when they correct him. Then I'd work on getting the hell away from them and their church and find your own house to rent.

Also, in mind of many youngsters, they do something wrong and any 'punishment', including telling them off (making them feel bad) is sort of payment for it. So now is all even, it sort of balances.
Making them know you notice but just being a bit disappointed with their behaviour, not them as a person, mighty work. Let them feel guilty for a night for eating whole tiramisu. They come next morning to apologise and never do it again.

If my son was rude to a family member, I wouldn't expect them not to pull my son up on it! Why should someone be spoken to rudely by a child, and then say nothing to them, just because the parents are there! Actually it's good that your step-son's grandparents are pulling their grandson up on his poor behaviour! It shows him what they will and won't tolerate!

You should be telling your step-son, that if he's rude towards his grandparents, then they have every right to tell him off! You're enabling his entitlement to be rude to his grandparents, because there's no consequences for him.

He is not right. If my DC are being little pricks and I am either absent or failing to deal with them effectively, it is perfectly acceptable for any adult present to give them a good ticking off."

And if you don't agree your dc are being little pricks? What then? your children are doing something you think perfectly fine, even nice, and some adult present gives them a "good ticking off". how do you feel then?

I think it takes a village and I don't have kids. I do however get really tired of the negative impact badly brought up ill disciplined kids and teens have on communities.

You tell him that his grandparents can tell him off, whether you're there or not, because you've given them the authority to do so.

Obviously, if the real issue is that you've only given them authority to do so if there are other factors at play, this will confuse the child. That's on you.

It doesn’t sound like he’s misbehaving. Reading a book and singing the songs he likes isn’t doing harm to anyone. They’re overstepping. Even if he was doing something wrong, that’s your jurisdiction, not theirs. You’re just going to have to keep repeating your boundary and enforcing it ad verbatim, if you can’t reduce the amount of time you spend with them. Be assertive.

Does he enjoy spending time with his grandparents? Maybe THEY should go NC with him until he gets a grip on respect.

I completely understood your original post OP on what the situation was but the examples would have been helpful.
Where is your husband in this?
Don't sit with them in church for starters.
Give your DS i stock phrase to say back to them eg please talk to my Dad about that which is firm but polite.

I imagine it's because he has the emotional development of a toddler.

What are they saying to him or telling him off for? Unless it is something unreasonable or wrong why is it wrong for them to tell him off?
I tell my grandchildren not to do things they shouldn't be doing in front of their parents . And the response from them is always "Listen to Grandma"

I see. I missed that bit. I was wrong.

I've just seen this.
It sounds as though the grandparents are being very unreasonable because they are telling him off for trivial things and for things that don't involve them .

This.
i absolutely hate this. And im only early 30s.
HOW are they telling him off? What are they saying/doing?

do not teach him mum and dad are the only people in life that can tell him off. Nonsense. You’ll turn him into another brat who can’t stand authority and thinks he doesn’t have to listen.

bottom line is if you leave your children in the care of others, they have every right to tell him off. HOW and what they say/do, you do have a right to know.

Couple of things for me here! He shouldn’t be reading a book in church. If you are taking to him to church then he should be in church, he’s old enough now that if he doesn’t want to go then you shouldn’t be forcing it. my 5 year old is not allowed to do anything other than concentrate on mass - so he can in my opinion do the same So I would agree that he should be getting told off for!

at 12 is not getting a shower daily? If not then you need to be looking at his personal hygiene and teaching him he needs to showering/ getting a bath daily. I would say if he doesn’t under stand the need for this and then you are saying in front of the grandparents you need a bath you haven’t had one for a couple of days then I am not surprised That the grandparent are telling he needs to be getting a wash

You need to make him aware in front of them that absolutely they can tell him off.

But mil and fil are moaning that he is being rude to them. Which he technically is

nothing else works,

tell them not to doesn't work

so maybe stop doing it