Is life always this crappy

[sincerestwonders]

Any one else feel like this but I dunno why my life has been just so hard lately for me and my 17 1/2 year old daughter. Last year I felt completely different, this year I feel burnt out and just bored and unmotivated. I have a guy who keeps coming in and out my life he works abroad so he isnt a stable presence but I feel stuck and dunno if any of you have similar life experience or advice as that would be so useful.
My daughter has not been to school since age 8. I chose not to keep her in school because of some of the things we encountered in her school such as staff pinning kids down in isolation rooms as a punishment and like harming "bad" kids by restraining them in the classroom, which I did not want my young daughter to see or felt was appropriate.
She has been home educated since then. At the minute she has 2 gcses, a 9 in Spanish and 8 in computing/ICT. Her maths and english skills are quite subpar to be honest. She is a good speller, yet struggles with reading long books and guessing the "intention" of authors which is what a lot of GCSE is about. Her maths is reasonable and probably key stage 3 level, not the best but GCSE math standards are so high these days. In the last year she has done a cookery course, several language courses, business administration basics and we were asked to do an art course which she bloody hates and has no artistic talent really but we are 3/5 of the way through that and she just cant think of ideas and hates it and obviously wishes she was doing something else. The obvious thing to do next is driving, but the theory test I dont quite know how to study for it seen as I havent driven since I was in my 20s cos we live in an urban area where we can bus walk everywhere. The other thing I struggle with is deciding on the gold DOFE program. She has done it for 18 months, did all sections and loved the volunteering element. Its done all bits except the Expedition, and honestly how is a weeks walking, eating garbage and carrying a 20kg bag up a mountain useful to the development of a young person? This isnt the 1940s. We originally did this with a dofe open award center. She attended 2 training days. On the first one she was assigned to a team of 5 other girls, all of whom were friends from that posh arse Hills Road college in Cambridge. They ignored and excluded my already friendless daughter and walked ahead. My daughter is 5ft 4 70kg and is not unfit, she does swimming and dance, but no way can she walk 20 miles a day like they suggested with a back breaking Army bergen. The idiots said the expedition was to take place in summer. Considering the heatwaves we have had its a recipe for sun stroke, burns and nausea. On the second day she asked whether she could have a parent see her at a particular point of the day or night as she is high anxiety and gets sick when away overnight from parents she can stay at nanas house without us but it seems being away at night without parents presence is traumatic for her. She went to mendip activity center last year and being away led to panic attacks and a drinking episode. They said no,okay, but I dont think they care about her needs. The food is another troubling element. They suggested eating those gross ration pack boil in a bag meals. My daughter wont eat them preferring fresh foods, and wouldnt eat any with meat in them due to concern of quality. She would have to handle bottle gas, flames, putting up a tent, no contact even a mobile phone with parents, possible injury, carrying own excrement, managing herself miles from anywhere at 17 YEARS OLD what is this SAS basic training? We had her walk 10ks every week, every time her feet would begin to blister and bleed she has size 3 feet for context with the bag on so I decided to leave that centre and look at these expensive private expeditions on canoes but she wont do that either. This has led to a lot of arguments with me and her dad who the dad says stop pushing and she has done enough already. The final issue is she obviously doesnt want to go to uni next year but she just cant think of what job/career to do and seems to have lost interest in anything. Sorry to rant but any help or suggestions would be appreciated.

I'm not sure there is that pressure now. 2 people from my 6th form didn't go - but it was like Hills Road.
Amongst my kids, most want to finish college and start work. A few want careers that require a degree or they want to carry on academic study because they enjoy it.
My kids have no intention of going to uni. It's expensive and they could do an apprenticeship. Dd will start her apprenticeship at 18 or start working if she can't get a formal apprenticeship in the field. Ds is thinking about an apprenticeship at 16.

Both bright but no desire to be in the academic system longer than necessary.

Oh ffs op home education can stop at any time and you can enroll her to college,stop holding her back shes 17 she should be out with friends ,socialising.

I'm sorry, I'm not saying this to be unkind but by everything written in your OP you have been drastically overprotective. You have removed your daughter from multiple scenarios at the slightest hint of adversity, that's not your job as a parent. Your job is to give your child the tools to deal with life, you've sheltered her and are continuing to do so. She's missed out on an education, socialisation and now you're stepping in to decide her next steps into the adult world.

She volunteers twice a week. Its sort of a job but its mostly 40 something adults. Its sad but a lot of her peers reject her and she just cant have the same life as them i guess they want her to be the outsider. When we tried this dofe gold group she was made fun of for her crooked teeth bodyweight and having no piercings. Thats the snob bit of those girls bullying her. I wish she had 1 or 2 good friends

JessicaBrassica
Thank you💜

Kids don’t have to go to uni or be in the academic system longer than necessary.

They do need to compete with their peers in the job market.

And OP, 4/5ths of the DoE is no DoE at all. Sorry.

Get advice from a local college or the local education department. She needs to be doing functional skills at college, or an access course. That could be all she needs to reintegrate and fly!

Please give her this opportunity so her next year is less crappy feeling.

How can you think this is good? Do you actually think youve given her an education with these results? Where did you think she would end up?

At 18y I had 14gcse, 4AS levels, 3Alevels, had worked part time for years and was going away to uni in another part of the UK where I knew no one. I was and still am anxious but I dont let it hold me back. I also hated school and my mum would make me go most of the time, although I did play truant a bit cause I found it all a bit mentally exhausting but you cant just give up.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 6 days a week so not posh or snobby at all. You will never succeed at anything if you dont push yourself and as a parent sometimes you need to push kids a bit.

Bababear987
Lucky you

She doesn't need to do the expedition part - I didn't finish my silver DofE (didn't do bronze) but I still used the other parts on my CV/uni applications etc.

It's September, I bet there's still time to get her on a college course if it's something like functional maths and english. She won't have missed much. It isn't easy to do GCSEs after 16 now but there may be some options. But actually, Maths. English, Spanish and ICT isn't a bad selection, she just needs one more. There are new options now with T and V levels too.

But you need to act NOW. Monday. No later.

School staff ARE DBS checked by the way. All it does is prove people haven't been caught yet. Pointless tick box exercise.

I think you might need to take a hard look at yourself and your motivations. You have kept her world small, and narrow, and reduced and fostered an environment that only elevated her anxiety. Why- for her, or for you?

It is, at best, a smothering love that may have had good intentions, but ultimately resulted in profound neglect.

The only way to fix a lack
of socialisation is to get some social
contact. Just being with you for another year will not improve social skills, in the same way it hasn’t done so in the last 9 years. She will need to be brave and start doing stuff on her own, and you need to allow her to.

Why wait? Talk to college now about part time courses, even if it’s lining up for a January start. Look for local volunteering opportunities, you said she liked that so do more. Look for a part time job, I know they are limited but no-one finds one if they aren’t looking. Kitchen work might be good as dealing with the public might be too high a jump.

I would not expect her to be successful with an apprenticeship, competition is fierce so standards are high.

This school was back in 2014 before dbs checking existed

It might not be that other children want her to be the outsider, but rather she unfortunately is an outsider because she hasn’t had much meaningful contact with the real world. You wish she had one or two good friends- have you provided opportunities for her to make friends? To meet other people her age? How do you imagine these good friends are going to suddenly appear in her life?

Before spending even more time avoiding the basic skills needed for most courses and many jobs, I would concentrate on getting her useful GCSE, Maths and English are crucial and would be a good start.

I try. I have tried for her to make friends over the years. She is a highly sociable girl but some people her age have treated her like sh*t and she seems to always have like outsider status

You could also look at the open university. I remember reading years ago (may have been on MN) about someone who was home educated and got into university on the back of grade 8 harp and a basic open university course.

There are also courses and microcredentials on platforms like Futurelearn.

I have done distance learning but she needs some kind of social activity

How is anything ive written lucky?? Im not saying everyone is the same academically but youve not given her a chance.

Ive worked damm hard and did plenty of things I was uncomfortable with because I had to. Your daughter could've done so much more. What youve done here is abusive.

Your daughters peers are probably not trying to be nasty but your daughter probably is a bit weird because she wont have developed any social skills.

That's called lying on your CV if you didn't actually complete the award. She might as well make up that she's 8 GCSEs while she's at it!

DBS checking was introduced in 2012, and prior to that there was the CRB check. I worked in various schools from 2003 to about 2010 and was checked in all of those jobs.

Your choices for her have turned her into an outsider. This is 100% on you. Stop blaming others for your failings.

Some people are natural outsiders. If she's persisted in being around her peers she would have found fellow outsiders to be friends with. Or it might have been a temporary phase and she would have become more insidery, you don't know, but it's imperative she get out of the house and start socialising with people her own age consistently.

I agree, and I think the choices an adult makes for a child at such a crucial and pivotal point in their development like adolescence absolutely has an impact on them for life.

It's not quite the same scenario, but a friend of DH is a single mum who's not worked since her DD17 was young. Her poor daughter had Covid and subsequently is suffering from possibly Long Covid or some type of ME, which is absolutely awful and not her fault, obviously. She's not been through the whole of her secondary school education, and I think doesn't even have any GCSEs as a result.

But the kindest thing her mum could have done was trying to get her an education and qualifications that would break the cycle of being on benefits long term (and I've not got anything against those who genuinely need PIP etc)

AFAIK, the daughter doesn't go to school or sixth form, and I doubt very much whether they're going to afford to pay for exams. It's so sad as the sweet girl is very bright, yet her future chances have been curtailed somewhat.

So youre saying every single time shes tried to make friends every single other person has been nasty to her..... or is it more likely your daughter has no idea how to talk or be social with anyone her own age?
You and your daughter are the common denominator

It absolutely did exist but it was called CRB check (Criminal Records Bureau)

In your thread about languages you mention another child. Are they homeschooling?