Is life always this crappy

[sincerestwonders]

Any one else feel like this but I dunno why my life has been just so hard lately for me and my 17 1/2 year old daughter. Last year I felt completely different, this year I feel burnt out and just bored and unmotivated. I have a guy who keeps coming in and out my life he works abroad so he isnt a stable presence but I feel stuck and dunno if any of you have similar life experience or advice as that would be so useful.
My daughter has not been to school since age 8. I chose not to keep her in school because of some of the things we encountered in her school such as staff pinning kids down in isolation rooms as a punishment and like harming "bad" kids by restraining them in the classroom, which I did not want my young daughter to see or felt was appropriate.
She has been home educated since then. At the minute she has 2 gcses, a 9 in Spanish and 8 in computing/ICT. Her maths and english skills are quite subpar to be honest. She is a good speller, yet struggles with reading long books and guessing the "intention" of authors which is what a lot of GCSE is about. Her maths is reasonable and probably key stage 3 level, not the best but GCSE math standards are so high these days. In the last year she has done a cookery course, several language courses, business administration basics and we were asked to do an art course which she bloody hates and has no artistic talent really but we are 3/5 of the way through that and she just cant think of ideas and hates it and obviously wishes she was doing something else. The obvious thing to do next is driving, but the theory test I dont quite know how to study for it seen as I havent driven since I was in my 20s cos we live in an urban area where we can bus walk everywhere. The other thing I struggle with is deciding on the gold DOFE program. She has done it for 18 months, did all sections and loved the volunteering element. Its done all bits except the Expedition, and honestly how is a weeks walking, eating garbage and carrying a 20kg bag up a mountain useful to the development of a young person? This isnt the 1940s. We originally did this with a dofe open award center. She attended 2 training days. On the first one she was assigned to a team of 5 other girls, all of whom were friends from that posh arse Hills Road college in Cambridge. They ignored and excluded my already friendless daughter and walked ahead. My daughter is 5ft 4 70kg and is not unfit, she does swimming and dance, but no way can she walk 20 miles a day like they suggested with a back breaking Army bergen. The idiots said the expedition was to take place in summer. Considering the heatwaves we have had its a recipe for sun stroke, burns and nausea. On the second day she asked whether she could have a parent see her at a particular point of the day or night as she is high anxiety and gets sick when away overnight from parents she can stay at nanas house without us but it seems being away at night without parents presence is traumatic for her. She went to mendip activity center last year and being away led to panic attacks and a drinking episode. They said no,okay, but I dont think they care about her needs. The food is another troubling element. They suggested eating those gross ration pack boil in a bag meals. My daughter wont eat them preferring fresh foods, and wouldnt eat any with meat in them due to concern of quality. She would have to handle bottle gas, flames, putting up a tent, no contact even a mobile phone with parents, possible injury, carrying own excrement, managing herself miles from anywhere at 17 YEARS OLD what is this SAS basic training? We had her walk 10ks every week, every time her feet would begin to blister and bleed she has size 3 feet for context with the bag on so I decided to leave that centre and look at these expensive private expeditions on canoes but she wont do that either. This has led to a lot of arguments with me and her dad who the dad says stop pushing and she has done enough already. The final issue is she obviously doesnt want to go to uni next year but she just cant think of what job/career to do and seems to have lost interest in anything. Sorry to rant but any help or suggestions would be appreciated.

Assuming the OP isn’t just rage baiting at this stage, this has the makings of a modern gothic horror novel.

Don't be ridiculous. The vast majority of students achieve both English Language and Literature.

You have simply not being home educating properly for six hours per day, five days a week, as you claim. If you had, your poor daughter would have a lot more than two GCSEs under her belt.

I'm sorry, OP, but you have done the poor girl a horrible disservice.

So that's 2 kids let down.

posh arse Hills Road college in Cambridge

There are some posh kids there for sure. There are also very many students from anything but posh secondary school or towns/villages. It is highly academic and suits mature, self-motivated young people.

I live not too far away and yes, most are bound for university (makes sense for a highly academic 6th form), but it absolutely is not full of middle class snobs.

I'm sure I've read a post about a rather unfit young woman being excluded from a DoE expedition before.

Bullshit. I had DBS checking in 2013 for my NHS and Education jobs (and CRB checks from 2002/Security Clearance checks all the way back to the 90s).

If you're going to make up excuses for why you have deliberately hobbled your child's education and socialisation (and health with such a small skeletal build but higher BMI that's led to her being bullied for it), at least try to get some of the facts right.

She comes to me crying last night how lonely she is how unwanted her peers make her feel how she feels 12 years old. What do i do it breaks my heart to see this

I don’t want to sound like an armchair psychologist, but do you think your daughter could have Autism?

Girls are usually diagnosed later in life, and are parred off with it being “anxiety”.

Have a read of this and see if anything resonates: https://autismdetect.co.uk/signs-of-autism-in-teenage-girls/

I would focus on trying to get her to complete the core GCSE subjects, and just aim for passes. If she has a 9 in Spanish she must be intelligent!

If she doesn’t need to learn to drive and public transport is good in your area I would hold off on that for a couple of years. She needs to build her confidence in others areas of life before learning to drive in an urban area. Which could cause added stress and anxiety to which she already deals with.

It should be up to your daughter whether she wants to continue to further education or work. Is there anything she can do an apprenticeship in?
What are her passions?

Volunteering or having a part time job in retail or hospitality is great to gain confidence and make new friends. It sounds like she really does need friends and a purpose.

The point of the expedition is to teach the young adults how to work in a team, how to cope with life without a parent. Yes the food isn't great, but it's just for 5 days. It's sounds to me that both you and your daughter are making excuses why can't do things, rather than actually giving things a try. As for English and maths, if she wants any decent type of job she is going to need those qualifications, so maybe tackle those before tackling anything else

This

Stop fannying around with a lot of crap like DOE and focus on getting her some qualifications, maths and English as a priority

Unfortunately she wouldn’t get into Uni as she doesn’t have the right qualifications. You’ve also isolated her by keeping out of school, I’ve many friends who opted to home school but they ensured they did loads of activities which involved mixing with other children.

I’d suggest she either goes to college to study and get some more GCSE’s maths and English are a must, she can do functional skills which at level is the equivalent of GCSE grade 4. Without these it’s going to be incredibly hard to even get on an apprenticeship.

I’m not sure why you didn’t look at other primary schools as it sounds like you were not equipped yourself to home school your daughter. And I’m not convinced by what you said happened in the school
she went to, if it did why did you not report it to the appropriate authorities?

As I took GCSE English 30 years ago, I'm probably not in a good position to comment, but it was ok back then at our grammar school. I think we did Romeo and Juliet, but I can't remember what else. My eldest daughter is doing hers now, and loving it, but is exceptionally bright at one of those posh private schools... so she has an advantage. (But to add...she has a scholarship and bursary, and works really hard.)

Each post is worse to read. You’ve really failed as a parent. Do better

So couldn't you have changed schools, most schools don't have violence going on

I have a family member who was like this. The schools were never good enough, the other kids were never nice enough. This child was molly coddled constantly like a precious egg. They didn’t get good grades either could never make friends or get along with people and everything that ever went wrong was always someone else’s fault. I’m sorry to say they have turned out jobless friendless and relationship less and that’s how it’s going to continue. They are still at home in their late 30’s reliant on their aging mother to pay for everything for them and basically be their friend. They suffer hugely from mental health problems and they blame the rest of the world for them

I don’t want this to sound unkind but this post was a relentless stream of self pity and excuses… I think as a society we need to pull ourselves together a bit. Life is not fair or easy. Darwinism lays it out plain and simple. For your daughter to become a successful productive and self fulfilled member of society she needs to be resilient and that needs to come from you!

Was she able to go into the exam hall, or did she sit the papers elsewhere?

You need to accept that this is your fault. You shouldn't have taken her out of school and certainly not for that many years. You've known that her basic core language and maths skills are lacking and haven't done anything about it and therefore have ruined her chances of college or university. She hasn't been around peers for any of her teen years, of couse she is stunted, and its not her fault. Be prepared to face the backlash from her once she does get out into the real world, and I hope she does get to actually live her life despite her upbringing.

Sorry if that's harsh but you really seem to have trouble accepting responsibility for the predicament your dd is in and instead keep making excuses about how everyone else is wrong except you. Bizarre.

She went into the exam hall and sat all 4 papers. Thats a big triumph if you knew her. Im so proud

Clearly it wasn't the best thing for her as she only has 2 GCSEs. For the love of god get your head out of your bum and find a college where she can get maths and english as a minimum. You thinking you could do better than a school has left her with almost no qualifications, no chance of a career and practically unemployable.

Please, please put your ego aside and help her to make a future for herself before it's too late.

Fantastic. Having done it once it’ll hopefully be a bit easier second time round. No reason why she can’t try maths and English op, make sure you tell her that. 9s and 8s are not easy to come by, but she’s managed it!

4 or 5 GCSE’s inc maths and English plus if she can manage the bronze or even silver DofE is a much much MUCH better position to put her in. Same for your ds too.

Yes, thank you. With an absolutely average ability in reading and just below in Grammar, Punctuation and Spelling, the vast majority of kids that attend mainstream school get grade 4+. A smaller number get 3 and resit in the first year of 6th form to pass. Including those with SEND, those who do not have English as their first language and those who have disabilities and serious illnesses.

she was assessed?

But the problem is, because of how you have chosen to narrow and funnel her educational and social experience, she probably is developmentally five or six years behind her peers. Emotionally, she probably is around 11/12 because you've spent her entire life infantilising her. She's severely socially limited and socially anxious because you have created a severely limited world for her and fuelled those limitations and anxieties.

You could have considered other schools for her, or at the very least a package of expert KS3 tutoring that included maths and English GCSE, but you didn't. How on earth you thought the poor girl would cope with gold DofE if she can't cope with staying overnight with grandparents is beyond me. But if she can get 8s and 9s in other subjects she clearly has some academic ability.

If I were you I'd encourage her to continue with the volunteering, try joining some clubs that would enable at least some social activity, and enrol her in a further education college ASAP to start working on the maths and English. You never know, she might find her people somewhere along the way too.