Dad in hospital and I haven't been a good daughter

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I work very flexibly and often have weeks where I barely work at all, but when I have work it needs doing "now" iyswim.

This week has been manic, which happens rarely but I've worked everyday with meetings until 8:30 pm two days.

I've only been to see him once and I've been letting my disabled mum take a taxi to visit him, then come home to an empty house.

I've been busy, but I could have made more effort, e.g. I did make it to running club once, when I could have gone there. BF has been round every evening, albeit late, and twice he bought dinner with him. I literally ate the food he brought and went to bed 😆 , but I could have squeezed mum or dad in like I squeezed him in.

I feel drained both with work and the emotional aspect of dealing with sick old people (worse for them no doubt).

I have a day out with friends planned tomorrow and feel like I should cancel.

Parents are both saying all good, don't put yourself out for us etc, but wwyd?

Will you be able to see him on Sunday?

Yes, you're making time for the things that are important to you. Of course you should see your parents.

I would spend some time supporting my sick dad and supporting my mum. You can see friends any time. Yes, it's emotionally draining but that's life, there are ups and downs.

I don't think it's true that you can see friends "anytime" and next weekend, or the one after etc isn't going to be any different.

I wouldn’t feel guilty, you have a job and have had a busy week.. However yes I would cancel a social thing with friends this week since you haven’t been. Unless you can do both the same day. Parents in the morning and still make it to see friends in the afternoon?

I made a little bit of time for the things that recharge my battery

It sounds like you know deep down you could/should do more to support your parents during your father’s illness. So maybe you should postpone your friends get together and tell your disabled mum you'll drive her tomorrow and you can visit your dad together. You might even be able to fit in a hospital visit and meet up with your friends.

You honestly sound quite cruel and indifferent in the way you’re treating them, so long as you’re happy though I’m sure it’s all fine.

can you tweak it so you can pop in on the way there or back, or finish work early and go tonight?

There are plenty of older people whose children live far away and don't get these sorts of visits outside of emergencies and cope without them. It's not a given that children absolutely must visit in this scenario.

However ultimately you have to be able to live with yourself in regards to how you choose to behave.

Work can't be helped, but I absolutely would cancel seeing friends to see my sick parent in hospital..... my friends would completely understand.

The fact you've posted on here and say yourself you're being a bad daughter tells me that you recognise you're not making enough effort.

From your replies you clearly don’t see it as an issue or that you could have/ should rearrange plans or pushed through to support your parents so it’s unclear why you’ve posted?

Or were you hoping for replies that would validate you/ ease some guilt?

Your parents have said it’s fine, so what’s the issue?

You are prioritising what you see as important and that does not include your parents. I'm sure they will have noticed. If there is no backstory here, I feel sorry for them. Lack of care or consideration from adult children at times like this is very painful for elderly parents. Yes, you should cancel seeing your friends and make time for your parents. They will be gone one day

I'm not sure what you are looking for here. Were you hoping a lot of people would say "gosh you've done loads stop worrying about it?"

I would have done a lot more. So would dh. If I were dating a guy and he reacted like this to his dad being in hospital, I would wonder whether we shared the same values (absent an abusive parent or back story). But there are indeed lots of people who would do what you do.

Parents do say things like don't put yourself out or that they are ok. That's what parents say as they don't want to upset their children or make them feel bad. Inside though your parents may be hurting at your lack of care and support. You seem to have empathy issues.

You need to cancel your friends and prioritise your parents. No brainer. Surely you know this?

Were you hoping people would respond and validate your lack of care?

I think you’re lacking in some serious compassion tbh.

See your friends.
This is just one busy week. See your dad next week. Instead of postponing just see your dad on one of the days that your friends probably aren’t available anyway.

If you are feeling guilty - will you even enjoy your social plans?

but I've worked everyday with meetings until 8:30 pm two days. hasn’t stopped you mumsnetting all day from morning until night yesterday and today and starting 5 threads in 24 hours from dodgy blokes to overworked managers!!

You kind of lost me at ‘dealing with sick old people’. That will be you one day, and it will come around quicker than you think.

Of course you are being selfish. You basically started a thread admitting to that.

I don’t really know what you want from this thread? Cancel your friends, see your parents and know that you did the right thing.

Well you admit yourself that you are being a bad daughter. You could have fit in time to visit your sick dad and supported your disabled mum but have prioritised other stuff instead. Your own needs and self care have gone above theirs.

I could never imagine doing this to my parents to be honest. Unless you don't get on with them and there is a back story here of them being bad parents.

Your parents won't be here forever and one day you may look back at this and regret being a bit selfish and not making time for them.

How would you feel if you were in hospital and your parents didn't see you and went out with their friends instead or said they were too busy?

How about helping your poor mum recharge hers? Sorry, but you are making time for the things that are important to you. Decision time then. How important are your parents to you? How will you feel if your dad turns out to be a lot more ill than you realised?

Family comes first. Unless there's some great back story about how you don't get on with one or both of them, then you need to prioritise your parents right now.

You say that you have not been a good daughter.

So the issue is how much do you care about that and do you want to do anything to put that right?

OP what are you hoping from this thread?