Wild expectations of grandparents

[Morningtee]

Just reading an article from the I paper called ‘the do’s and don’ts of grand parenting as children go back to school’ I’m sure the article was written with well meaning intent but as a Gen X I’m just increasingly shocked at some of today’s young parents expectations of grandparent role. Even a paid childminder wouldn’t put up with some of the advice in the article. I had a great relationship with my grandparents but they didn’t play the role that seems to be expected of modern grandparents which seems more about serving the needs of entitled millennial/Gen Z parents than the grandchildren. Indeed a number are quite happy to destroy the entire relationship between grandchild and grandparent if their wild expectations are not met

Im GenX but give GenZ vibes - especially on the setting down of boundaries and over work

I can speak as someone who had very ‘hands off’ grandparents. DM would take us round every single Saturday afternoon. The house was always stiflingly hot, with a gas fire on even in the summer. Grandad would stick the (black and white) TV on for us which was usually a boring old war film. We’d have to sit quietly while the grown ups drank tea and chatted. If we were good they’d give us 10p for sweets. The adults in my family rarely even spoke to the children or played with us. They certainly never provided childcare. They weren’t awful people, just disinterested in children. I hated Saturdays!

Why do you think that parents in previous decades didn’t feel resentment/expectations? They might have done, maybe you just didn’t meet them or they didn’t say it out loud. Maybe people weren’t writing endless articles about how parents are shit and feeble in those days.

The pandemic affected parents for 1-2 years, I did find it very hard with a baby/toddler but then also had some fantastic memories of it with my older children. I’ve met quite a lot of people who said they actually found it easier having a new baby in the pandemic when they could just get on with it without other people’s input, opinions etc so the pandemic was definitely not a homogeneously negative experience

That’s awful, I think alot of women of that generation were bought up to be quite self sacrificing and some current day parents take advantage of that, I see people saying they need to work full time but then seem to have the money for new cars, holidays, living in the SE etc

Indeed it wasn’t, but if some parents found it hard is that allowed? Or another mark in the “feeble and entitled” column?

I think if you work with families, then coming from a position of “parents these days are entitled and don’t know how good they’ve got it” rather than meeting them where they are with compassion and understanding is setting you and these families up for quite a difficult working relationship

A lot of the current generation or those who were relatively wealthy as children back then have no idea, my DH considers himself to have had a very working class childhood but actually they would be considered more middle class these days and had far more than we did, there was a far wider divide in wealth in those days. I had friend’s at school whose parents were teachers, doctors etc and they lived in huge houses and seemed very wealthy, now I visit young families and there is definitely not that significant a difference between a teachers standard of living and a part time cleaner

Not really, I’m still a parent if young children myself, we meet each other as individuals and as a professional I am focussing on best meeting their needs. We don’t really get into discussions of parenting in the past etc so I don’t know what their views on such things are. My job very much is to help them where they are at and I’m incredibly fortunate that 95% are really lovely people. I’ve got friends who moan on about their parents too but we’re still good friends as they are otherwise really lovely people, people are not one dimensional

I agree. I used to work with a woman approaching retirement who earned just above minimum wage. She used all her annual leave to provide free childcare during the holidays for a niece and her husband who were both doctors.

As I stated I found it very difficult with having a baby/toddler during that time , so clearly not 🤷‍♀️ however the way some people go on about it you would think they’d parented during the Ethiopian famine. The pandemic is not enough reason in itself to say parents had it harder than previous generations

My mother was resentful that her mother never helped out financially when we were living in real poverty. But she never expected childcare as she knew my granny was not up to it.

I think in every generation parents have different types of hardness. My mum was a boomer. Boomers often had parents deeply affected by the war and with undiagnosed PTSD. And back then adults weren't really expected to play with kids. It was very different.

Also jobs that are now ordinary jobs like working in a bank, were back then well paid and carried far greater responsibility before everything was centralised. I see all the time people claiming their parents had ordinary minimum wage type jobs when they are wrong about this.

There didn't used to be a minimum wage, so the lowest paid were paid much less than now. You didn't get disability benefits either. If you needed a carer to wash, dress you etc, a paid carer came in. But there was no extra money.

There is even less reason for it these days now there are far more holidays clubs etc than there were even in the 1990s, fair enough I’ve had to ask my mother to step in when I’ve had to work a weekend and my DH has been away etc but we’ll always try every other option first e.g if was working a 7-7 and had to ask someone to care for my child during the holidays I’d book them in to a holiday club for the day so they only needed to do the drop of and pick up and obviously try and book annual leave where I could. I once had a colleague say why don’t I just ask a neighbour to do the pick ups to save on childcare, people forget asking someone to look after your children is quite a huge favour and I’ve been incredibly grateful when people have stepped in when I’ve had no other option

So much has changed hasn’t it, our receptionist/ administrator used to be in a relatively good salary when she started 20 years ago, significantly above the newly introduced minimum wage and now she’s on the minimum wage. I remember before the minimum wage being lucky enough to get a job paid 4 times as much as my friend (we were both 18) that would be unheard of now for entry level jobs

I find that often parents with lots of happy memories of their own grandparents spending loads of time with them expect the same for their own children. But it also means that their parents avoided looking after their own kids and had the grandparents do it lots, which means their still not very likely to want to spend lots of leisure time with little kids really, when they become the grandparents! I don't know that the conflict between these expectations is a modern thing, just the complaining about it all on the internet.

I think this absolutely sums it up. My parents and dh’s parents weren’t necessarily the ones spending quality time and making memories with us. Unless for Dh, you count time at the pub getting drunk as quality time. We have really happy memories with our grandparents being very involved in our lives though. Our parents are now grandparents. They are no more interested in being involved grandparents as they were in being involved parents. 😂

The involved happy grandparents I know today were involved happy parents. They didn’t find their children a massive source of stress or a burden or an annoyance like mine did.

Yes that was something I remember being a thing

I have a few friends who are GP but I’m still in my 40s and have young children myself so most of my friends are in their 30s/40s and none of them are GP, a few colleagues & friends in 50s who are GP

Sounds a fairly typical visit to family in the 80s, you were lucky to get 10p for sweets, we would of considered that a real treat, I think old men back then were not known for there ability to connect with young children, except in the movies, people were much less child centred in those days

Ha, became a GP at 40

My adult DC who are local help us out with childcare when they can and we need it but we’re super appreciative when they do and try not to ask unless really need or they have offered for us to go out for the evening etc. I really hope can be there for them if they have children too, my DD and her DH both work shifts so I would expect them to try and work around each other but would definitely willing to step in when there not possible as have seen how hard they have worked to establish the careers they had and my parents didn’t the same for me

I got small amount of help from my parents. And didn't I know about it.

I give as much time as I can to my grandchild. It's the best thing ever. I work my job around her because I want to. My home is her home.

I don't understand why you wouldn't want that relationship with them.

Iindeed! Yes almost 30 years between my first and last DC

Yes I think it’s quite common either in bigger families with multiple children, or children with bigger age gaps, for the older siblings to help out with childcare or to babysit their younger siblings. Certainly remember my friends helping out with the young siblings when I was at school.

Not all that different to grandparents helping with gc really.

I wonder if your experience of having young children in recent times is skewed by the fact you are an older parent so don’t necessarily face the same difficulties as younger adults starting a family with increased house/rent prices, student loans, etc.