Wild expectations of grandparents

[Morningtee]

Just reading an article from the I paper called ‘the do’s and don’ts of grand parenting as children go back to school’ I’m sure the article was written with well meaning intent but as a Gen X I’m just increasingly shocked at some of today’s young parents expectations of grandparent role. Even a paid childminder wouldn’t put up with some of the advice in the article. I had a great relationship with my grandparents but they didn’t play the role that seems to be expected of modern grandparents which seems more about serving the needs of entitled millennial/Gen Z parents than the grandchildren. Indeed a number are quite happy to destroy the entire relationship between grandchild and grandparent if their wild expectations are not met

I never had grandparents and as I moved overseas I never had parents I could ask to babysit. Childcare centres were rare when my son was a toddler and it was potluck finding someone reliable to mind my child whilst I worked.

Once my kids had children I supported them in every way possible as I knew how hard it had been when my kids were young and I had worked full time.
My husband and I were more than happy to care for the grandkids whilst their parents studied or worked as childcare costs here are equivalent to a mini mortgage! We were lucky we were both retired and in good health and although it was hard work at times, we loved every minute of caring for them.

The eldest grandchild is now 18 and we would do it all again in a heartbeat. We felt blessed that we had the opportunity to share their young lives. It’s not for everyone, but for us, it was exactly what we wanted to do.

I was going to say something a bit like this. There was a time when I may have expected to be a grandmother at this age (I am not yet 50). However, if my children have children at the same sort of age that I did, I will be approaching 70 when I become a granny.

I keep seeing threads where people are surprised that their 70 something parents aren’t up for doing a lot of childcare or providing the grandchildren with mega fun experiences. But there was a time when a woman in her 70s would have been a great granny, not a granny. The family may have gone round to visit but people didn’t expect meaningful childcare from a great granny.

There is a wider problem in the media - that it tends to show all women as being more than happy to do any unpaid care not just grandchildren. But again real life is a lot more complex and varied.

I do think there is that is that aspect to a certain degree, whether it’s just not such a big leap from doing certain jobs to the tedious nature of caring for children? Also it’s so much easier to care for children if you’ve got that family support structure around you, so if your GM had your aunts popping round etc. like you say it’s also cultural, when I think of my more ‘working class’ friends, I can imagine them saying no problem if I asked them to look after my children for a weekend, same if I just turned up on their doorstep at dinner time, even if I’d not spoke to them for 2 years, whereas my more middle class friends would think I’d gone off my rocker!

Problem is, my mum taking so little interest has inevitably created a distance between us. My mental health was bad during the pre school years and she watched me break whilst airily telling me all about her next holiday. if my nan were alive she’d have come round with a cake and made me a cuppa. She was ace.

It’s completely changed my view and I will definitely help out as much as I can with any grandchildren I have.

Absolutely this, there is at least some mainstream understating that mothers may not want to do the job 24/7 but it’s still so far removed from the national psyche that the same women still find childcare hard work once they’re grey haired

That is really sad, my mum definitely would have made me a cuppa and some cake and offered to take the kids off my hands for a few hours if I said I was struggling and I would want to be that sort it mum to my own adult DC

I think OPs posts on this thread do come across as very judgemental of parents today!

I don't agree that parenting has become easier. Yes, we have Google and washing machines and cars and disposable nappies; so in a practical sense, parenting can be easier in some ways. But I think society continually raises the bar as to what it means to be a "good parent". Nowadays we can't leave our kids with a local teenager as a babysitter, we shouldn't let our kids disappear off to the park all day with their friends, we have to worry about their screen time and social media access. We're told to breastfeed and be responsive to our baby's cries; no putting the pram in the garden for a few hours or putting them in the cot at 7pm and closing the door for the night.

I'm not saying parenting is harder either - maybe it is more mentally taxing, but running a family home is now physically less demanding? Every convenience that comes along seems to have an equal and opposite new problem to deal with, so nothing gets easier?

As to expectations on grandparents, I'm sure there are unreasonable behaviours on all sides in some families - but it comes down to communication, if grandparents are unhappy they need to voice that and seek a resolution?

We are lucky to have two days of childcare from grandparents. This was offered, not requested, and we have offered money (turned down) so try to ensure we show appreciation via presents/meals out/invitations to join us on weekends away. That said, we have also occasionally had to have a gentle word about issues e.g. grandparents being late in a morning. If grandparents took offence to this, I would be sad, but ultimately we would be happy to put our children into nursery more days a week if necessary - I dont think its unreasonable that if grandparents choose to do regular childcare, that childcare needs to be reliable and meet the needs of the family (I.e. parents get to work on time)? Equally, if the grandparents want to stop at any time they can do (we have told them this) but - emergencies excepted - we would need notice to find new childcare. And if they were to stop offering childcare, they would see us and our children less - that's not us being unreasonable, but there are only so many hours in a week and they might have to settle for one Saturday afternoon a fortnight for example, rather than a full day every week?

I agree that some parts of the article you have quoted do sound a bit ridiculous, but thats what journalism is now - designed to bait people! And it's worked 🤣

It’s lovely that you did that and when I read such accounts I do always think how sweet in the same way I think how lovely it is when see someone getting an award for volunteering with the scouts for 10 years, I think of all the amazing experiences they’ve provided to children such as mine and an so grateful for what they’ve done, but nice you also acknowledge it’s not what everyone wants to do as doesn’t mean they’re bad people/grandparents

You sound like lovely reasonable parents, not in anyway entitled and totally agree with you about grandparents needing to be reliable as exactly the same here, it would stress the hell out of me if had anyone doing the care that made me late for work. Also I think whichever childcare you are using it has to work for you and your child generally, e.g if grandparents insisted letting child have a nap when they then wouldn’t settle at bedtime or having sweets, screentime etc, however some rules such as using cutlery, not jumping on furniture or being told their naughty should be kept in the GP court.

Having parented 30 years ago and now I think some things assumed to have been easier back then weren’t, there wasn’t as much support around breastfeeding so despite knowing that was what was best for your child if you had problems you were much more on your own, where as e.g with my last child, we had helpful advice from the midwives and health visitor, a specialist appointment on the NHS within 2 weeks assessing for tongue, a breastfeeding support group at my local children’s centre, similarly with my slight older younger children there were some really good tips I read online for e.g what to do if they stop feeding on one side. Once breastfeeding was established it was much cheaper and easier than bottle feeding. The advice to be more responsive is so much nicer as a mother too, I wanted to hold, cuddle and kiss my baby loads but there was always an underlying guilt that I was doing the wrong thing as the subliminal messaging from society was that you would spoil the baby and make them super clingy/needy and I wondered why on earth I wanted to kiss my baby so much, I thought I must be a bit weird but now parents are told evidence that this isn’t the case and all that love actually promotes long term mental health and there is a biological basis for a breastfeeding mum wanting to kiss her baby in that it helps her know what germs she needs to produce antibodies to in her milk. When my little ones have meltdowns too there is so much more sympathy if you’re out and about, you’re not seen as a bad parent because your child cries or had tantrums like you were in the 90s. Also the advice is much kinder and more effective about dealing with them than it was 30 years ago, back then you’ll feel helpful and frustrated with your child and felt pressure to discipline which didn’t feel nice as a parent whereas now you’re allowed to give them a cuddle to calm down without the belief that you’ll just make the problem worse. I do think parents are alot more anxious than in the past and it not really their fault but they are encouraged to be so worried and intensive with every aspect of parenting. It is easier for me as having brought up children perfectly fine before some of the advice I never really felt the need to stress about tummy time, teaching kids academics before school or really care if other parents are paying for driving lessons, uni etc but not so ignorant haven’t taken on the advice re safe sleeping, container parenting etc, also lucky live in a really nice area where kids playing out is the norm and seen the trouble devices have caused parents who came slightly before my younger DC (but after my older DC) so been able to heed their warnings to be careful/lock down phones etc. At school too, the teachers are so much more understanding and constructive if your child is having difficulties rather than just looking at them as a naughty or stupid child. The standard of childcare is so much higher and safer and all settings that accommodate children are just so much better nowadays. Financially too, there is so much sharing that goes on now via our local free cycle site and low cost items on market place, so many things have been able to buy 2nd hand that you just couldn’t 30 years ago unless you were lucky enough to happen enough to see exactly what you wanted in the small adds.

"Unusual"? Not if you're from a working class background it's not.

I was never once looked after by any grandparents for even a day. They were all still in full time work. My parents do the odd evening twice a year. No one hates each other and everybody is fine with this. I would of course live someone to pick up everything for me but that isn’t what happens in my family for anyone.

Absolutely this!
My parents were older and 300 miles away. PILs were also 300 miles away.
When they visited they offered a little evening babysitting or similar and this was gratefully received by us and GPs.
When talking to colleagues who now have grandchildren I am constantly staggered by what they feel obliged to do (and pay for!).
They love their GC but they worry that if they do less they won’t perhaps have quality time with them, which is sad.

How far away do you live from them?

I do have involvement with my grandchildren, I only spoke to them this week and go and visit them 3-4 times a year but is a 6 hour round trip! I would expect to see them far more often if they lived nearer, I’d happily have them and parents round for dinner once a week if they lived more locally, take them with us on occasional days out etc. my friends see I’m as maxed out as they are!

But equally you could say that children have no obligation to care for elderly parents when they need care (or financial support for care).

Edit to say this isn't a stance that I would take but someone might if their parents refused to help with childcare and there was resnetment

He sounds wonderful and you sound lovely and very appreciative too 🥰

I think it depends as always on the alternative, is the alternative to not doing that role that the children won’t be adequately cared for or the family would live in severe hardship or loss, yes I think it would be very slack for a relative to not help out so parents could be in hospital with their other DC or if local so a once a week pick up from the childminders for shift working parents who can’t sort an alternative. If we lived in a society with no welfare system or childcare, equally that help is needed so much more. Same with GP, most adult DC are not expecting to provide a huge level of care for their elderly parents, more the bits around the edges, sorting them a nice care home, visiting them at said care home, giving occasional support it they live at home

I find it strange to be classed as minimal and especially considering they are a 6 hour round trip away. It’s more involvement than my GP had and we had a great relationship and no resentment from my DP. My friends see I’m as maxed out as they themselves are with my own young children and work etc so seem to see me as an exception for needing to fulfill that role

They also lived several hours away so the involvement was less at this stage and a bit more once old enough to independently travel to see them. I rented my own house when my oldest was little, privately as you were only eligible for a council house if you said your parents kicked you out which I thought a horrid thing to have to say about your parents and also to have to ask them to write you a letter to say they had done that. I remember the housing officer being completely confused I wouldn’t do that like all the other young mums so she could just tick the box to make me eligible