Struggling with my 17-year-old daughter's much older boyfriend

[Tricera]

Just a rant really as I'm still fuming about DD and her older boyfriend. Talking did not achieve anything and she is adamant that she wants to stay over at his place. I grudgingly suggested having him over for dinner first as it would make me more comfortable. Apparently I'm embarrassing, but she agreed.
The creep is 32, she is 17. They barely know each other. I can't see any way at all that this can end well for her without getting hurt, but she is being completely pig headed.
Will probably use this thread to let off steam at times because it seriously getting to me.

Most girls start puberty well before 15 a paedophile is somone who is attracted to prepubescent childdren
You cant just decide to change the meaning of the word
He may well be a predator but he isnt a paedophile.

Agree it's power

N9
I didnt i just get frustreated with the assumption on mumsnet that every 16 -18 year old will be in a school sixth form sitting Alevels
Many 16 year olds leave school at 16 in case you were not aware .

Why not just say that? You could have said “it’s grim but just a reminder not all 16 year olds are in education, they might be working / training / apprentices”.

Instead of a snarky disingenuous post that made you sound like you are minimising the grimness of a 30 something bloke dating a child?

I really feel for you, OP.

I agree the not telling mother comment was a dig at both you and DD, implying she shouldn't have told you anything. Which is disrespectful of the fact that she's only 17, living in your house, and should be telling you important things about her life!

What's the situation about her staying over at his - is that happening/going to happen?

But OPs child is in 6th form.. like millions of others. It’s a bizarre thing to keep mentioning. 16 is school age. Doesn’t matter if they’re in 6th form or college! A much older man dating them is gross.

Why would you invite him for dinner, by doing this you’re encouraging the relationship. Give it time to hopefully fizzle out.

When my eldest started her relatìonship aged 17 I said no overnights until they had been dating for 6 months. And that was someone she met at college who was the same age who I liked and had no worries about. You are perfectly entitled as her mother to say no overnights yet.

I’ve said no to overnight stays until she turns 18. It turned into another debate and I am fully aware that this will not stop them but it might slow down the pace. I’m sure that this won’t be the end of the conversation.

DD is going for the implant at least which is at least one less thing to worry about.
If I could throttle this man I would.

Whilst I agree with everything you’re feeling, I don’t think you can police overnight stays at 17. The age of consent is 16, even though a teenager staying over at a grown man’s house is grim, I don’t think you’ll be able to stop it.

I think she can stop it. DD is not an adult
yet, is still at school, and is living at home. Her mum has a responsibility to look out for her welfare. I don't think the legal age of consent is relevant here. Because something is legal doesn't mean a parent has to condone it.

I'd do exactly the same if it were my daughter.

I'm of the opinion that I would 'keep my enemy close' OP, grit your teeth, smile, make friends with the creep and make sure he can see that your DD has a very close and loving family with strong morals and expectations.

Speak the truth to your DD, tell her you are concerned that she is entering into a relationship with a power imbalance, tell her how much you love her and that whatever happens you are there for her.

Then play the long game, make sure you have him over for meals, meet them out etc, meeting in a pub would be a good idea, DD will start feeling very young when she can't join the adults ordering wine/whatever. speak to him as your equal, 17 year olds seem to talk utter drivel most of the time, let her see what a boring old man he could turn into, ask him if any of his friends have children, talk to him about his 'career' all this will make him appear pretty boring to a 17 year old, talk about how you are fed up with rise in rents/mortgage etc, all 'grown up' conversations will bore her to death.

Good luck.

To keep her daughter onside and encourage open conversations between them.
My mum did the same when I was 17 and dating an older man. She didn't want to push me towards him and away from her. It worked well.

I agree @user1464187087 Keeping her close, making sure she is ok, not badmouthing him so she thinks everyone is 'against' them is really important.

Also, I would talk to her in front of him about normal mother/daughter things, like how is her course work going?, has she had any more thoughts about which Uni she fancies? make sure the conversation is her level

It is so tricky, because you can’t realistically keep her away from him completely, and you don’t want to alienate her. I do think legitimising it by having him over is a step too far. Would you have a boyfriend of hers over if he was eg racist, or had some other characteristic you found fundamentally wrong?

She won’t see it now, but there will come a time when she’ll realise how wrong this was and unfortunately she may blame you for ‘allowing it’.

I’d try to get him on his own and ask if your daughter was the first child he’d dated.

I know that I can’t stop them from seeing each other. As I said, I’m sure this won’t have been the last conversation on the over night topic. But I’ve said no because I’m hoping that it will hopefully minimise the time that she will spend at his, and also prevent her from doing things she really shouldn’t be doing, like drinking alcohol or potentially hanging out with lots of older people.
My argument is that I want her to keep her focus on school and not get too side tracked and that it has nothing to do with her boyfriend.

This is f up. You will get a steady stream of posters saying you're being ridiculous, and they dated much older men when they were 16/17 etc.
. He is a creep. I'd phone the police / get the school involved. Good luck.

I’m not sure there’s anything the police can or will do. I would definitely contact the safeguarding officer at her place of education and possibly get advice from the NSPCC?

I'm just thinking about what I would do. I might try and speak to him alone if the opportunity presents itself - not seek him out and not accuse him of being a paedophile, but express my concerns about the age gap and particularly her youth and inexperience. These are very reasonable concerns for a parent to have.

Of course this may backfire and DD would most probably not be at all happy about it. So it would be risky.

When is she 18 OP?

Do I think its ik - yes.

I also don't get how it becomes acceptable as you get older though. My friends partner is 22yrs older than her - in his 60s....biggest frikkin man baby ever!

Just remind her that if she sticks with him for life - he will be getting his pension when she is in her prime.

I imagine he has ££££ though? So, maybe she is using her wiles to her financial advantage currently. Just make sure she has really good contraception!

why are you so desperate to be technical about a word. We believe he is a pedo whether you think it's the right or wrong word who the hell cares. He is dating a child she is not 18 she is not an adult and it's is gross. Stop trying to down play it

April

Can we put the chat about whether he is a paedophile and another thread? It's just derailing this one.

Terrible idea.
He will tell the daughter and then daughter will fall out with OP and start spending more time with her boyfriend and less time with OP.
I have seen this happen more than once. Awful advice.
When I was 17 I started seeing a guy who was 31. He was a nice guy and the relationship lasted well over a year.
My mum wasn't happy about the relationship but was careful not to try and make me choose between her and my partner.
I'm now mid 40's and do not regret that relationship.
If OP does what you suggest she may well alienate her daughter.