Struggling with my 17-year-old daughter's much older boyfriend

[Tricera]

Just a rant really as I'm still fuming about DD and her older boyfriend. Talking did not achieve anything and she is adamant that she wants to stay over at his place. I grudgingly suggested having him over for dinner first as it would make me more comfortable. Apparently I'm embarrassing, but she agreed.
The creep is 32, she is 17. They barely know each other. I can't see any way at all that this can end well for her without getting hurt, but she is being completely pig headed.
Will probably use this thread to let off steam at times because it seriously getting to me.

Op you’ve more patience and understanding than myself.

we Found out our 17 year old was seeing a man in his 30’s. It was quickly nipped in the bud after a visit by my dh. It was our duty to protect her, she was still a child. She’s in her 30’s now and grateful seeing as this piece of crap went on to target other children.

I think you’re being far too soft

Because a 16 year old is a school child. Why do you keep bringing this up on this thread? It’s really weird.

Did an older man date you when you were school age or something? Or are you one of these men….

They asked me this earlier on the thread too. It’s strange.

Exactly This 💯

A 32 year old has no business dating a 17 year old who has never had a boyfriend before and there are no good reasons as to why he would choose to do that.

The word nonce comes to mind.

Frankly OP I would turn up at his door and have a word with him.

He probably chose her because she has no experience of relationship and correct me if I am wrong because there is no father in the picture?

Predators know exactly what they are doing.

A lot of people suggesting a soft approach here but I would not do that personally. I would confront him and make it clear if he goes anywhere near my daughter again he will be very sorry indeed.

This. Exactly this.

But i do also get the fear of pushing them closer- us vs the world is v powerful.
My mum didn't step in when I (few years older) was in a v toxic relationship because I'd always been quite ornery and she thought I'd continue through sheer bloodymindedness.
Except, I think knowing how much I was supported, and knowing everyone else thought he was a dick, may have helped me.

What she really needs is her mates to tell her it's weird though. Or have him come out with them and their bfs and see how uncomfortable it is.

Maybe I am doing everything wrong. I don’t know.
But I don’t know what else to do. I have sent off the Claire’s and Sarah’s law requests and waiting for a response.
I’d love nothing more than scaring him off but I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my DD and cause her to hide things.

I have urged her to keep seeing her friends multiple times and I have told her that she will lose them if she starts neglecting them over a “boy”. I cannot control what she tells them though.

The guy is a fucking arsehole as far as I’m concerned but I can hardly tell her that or him. Sorry for the language.

Yes, although this was 40+ years ago on a different continent and she wasn’t at school. The point was that sometimes these age gaps do work.

I started a relationship with a 31 year old man when I was 17. It lasted about 3 years and he was a good guy.
I think your advice is spot on and very similar to what my mum said to me all those years ago.
Great post! x

Ok but my point is that he was still a 30 year old adult man pursuing a relationship with a child. Thats just a factual description of what happened.

I’m 30 and would have 0 interest in anyone even in their 20s! Gross!

It might be a bit late now that you’ve invited him into your home and taken the kill with kindness approach, but why do you feel you can’t tell either of them how wrong you think it is?

She’s a child, and he’s a grown man pursuing a relationship with a child. They both need to hear that that is wrong.

If a 32 year old friend of mine brought their 17 year old new girlfriend to a party at my house, I would tell him very clearly that I thought he was completely out of order to be dating a child.

I think what someone mentioned earlier is a good idea; encourage her to do lots of social things with her friends and get him to tag along. Hopefully he'll get bored with all their immature interests and she'll see that he doesn't fit in with her friends? Fingers crossed for you.

Make her 18th birthday super age appropriate - no fancy dinner and cocktails. A disco. A house party. Invite her cousins and family, invite her girlfriends her own age and boys from her year. Let her own peers go “ew this is weird” to her and you won’t need to 😂

Invite him over, show him her childhood photos from 3 or 4 years ago.

"During dinner he mentioned his mother and I said that she is probably very pleased for him to be in a relationship. He replied that he hadn’t told her as they want to take things slow and that things always become complicated when you tell your mother something."

This man knows exactly what he is doing!! There is definitely MORE. He is probably married with young children.. More power to you! I couldn't have done this!!

That had been my immediate reaction and she had pushed back and dug in her heels. I don’t think that there is any point in telling him what I think because he already knows how inappropriate this is and he doesn’t care.

i don’t want her to stop confiding and flock to him and cut her family off

I feel the sentiment but we shouldn't use words incorrectly, they have meanings so we should use them as intended. This guy may well be a creep buts he's obviously not a pedophile.

You're doing the right thing. Keep your daughter onside and keep your communication open with her so she knows she can confide in you ❤️

Yes! Alcopops and sugary crap drinks- no beer or wine. Also silly games including a quiz about the year she was born??

My ex was 35 and used to watch girls on sites who were 18…. Said “they’re legal what’s the issue”…. Hence why he’s my ex. It’s disgusting. A grown man has no business wanting a teenager.

keep her close, watch for any red flags.

well if you are in your 30s and you fancy someone who's literally started puberty a couple years ago, is still considered a teen and not quite an adult, you would in most people's books be considered a pedo. How any grown ass man can find a child's body attractive for a romantic relationship is utterly gross. I have a 17 year old niece who has a 17 year old boyfriend, I could not imagine her with someone her dad's age. 😖

This. It’s never really the age, it’s the stage of life. There is a 12 year gap between me and DH but I was late twenties and owned my own property when we met, he was still renting, we did a similar job.

The power imbalance here is off the charts. I would be very worried. I think meeting him is a good idea, but equally there isn’t much you can do other than encouraging her to ask questions about what she wants and what he wants

A 17 year old doesn't have the body of a child though? Again I get the sentiment and I think a 30 year old wanting to be with a 17 year old is weird but it doesn't make them a pedophile because words have actual meanings to them and a 17 year old doesn't fit the meaning of pedophile.