Struggling with my 17-year-old daughter's much older boyfriend

[Tricera]

Just a rant really as I'm still fuming about DD and her older boyfriend. Talking did not achieve anything and she is adamant that she wants to stay over at his place. I grudgingly suggested having him over for dinner first as it would make me more comfortable. Apparently I'm embarrassing, but she agreed.
The creep is 32, she is 17. They barely know each other. I can't see any way at all that this can end well for her without getting hurt, but she is being completely pig headed.
Will probably use this thread to let off steam at times because it seriously getting to me.

Because the daughter is above the age of consent for sex. A paedophile targets people below the age of consent.

The police? What offence has occurred and under what act of The Police And Criminal Evidence Act?

Oh fgs op just let the girl live it’s not the end of the world you seem so over invested in this

I know it’s not your ideal preference but if you are not careful she can easily cut you out completely when she goes to uni

Exactly, and one poster has told the OP to phone the police! Apart from requesting a Sarah or Clares law disclosure, I have no idea what the police can do.

We don’t let minors do whatever they want without any intervention or advice because their brains are not fully developed yet so they cannot make properly informed decisions about their actions.

Unlike 32 year olds.

Another thing worth speaking to her about OP is that it is illegal to be taking or sharing nudes of an under 18. Illegal for him, and although she’s unlikely to get in trouble for it, technically illegal for her too.

Over invested in the well being of her 17 year daughter???

I think any 32 year old willing to date a 17 year old on the technicality they are over 16 (one year above age of consent) is still a pedo imo. idc if it's not technically the correct term, had they met two years ago I doubt he'd have said oh sorry you are too young!

But she is over the age of consent. You are speculating. And unless a Sarah's Law disclosure reveals that he is a paedophile due to previous offending, then he isn't.
You might not like that, but the police deal with crimes committed under The Police And Criminal Evidence Act 1984. They can't act on Mumsnet posters not agreeing with a relationship.

It being legal doesn't mean parents have to be ok with it. If it was my dd (nr enough the same age) then my dh and I would certainly have let dd know our distaste in such a situation. We have that sort of relationship where she values our honesty. If I was to invite such a person into our home, they would also get the same and would not be under any illusion of our disapproval. I dont believe in the kill with kindness theory - I think thats bullshit nonsense pedalled to keep families compliant.

He probably looks out for what he deems to be vulnerable girls with no dad on the scene and mothers who will only 'kill him with kindness' - I mean same result really, you dont want to push him into his arms but well, she already is 🤔

That's fair enough and you may have seen my comments earlier in the thread.
I met a man when I was 17 and he was 31. We had a relationship for over a year and he was a lovely man. I am now in my mid 40's and still have very fond memories of him. I did persue him in fairness, not the other way round.
My mum was not impressed at all at the start of the relationship, which I do understand. I have a very close family and always have done, but back then if mum had told me that I couldn't see my partner then I wouldn't have been happy. Mum knew this and didn't want to push me away.

I also have experience of a similar age gap relationship from 16yr old til about 19 when I cheated on him with someone my own age - that I think was my escape route. I do not have good memories of that time and even though I may have gone along with it, it still gives me literal nightmares where I dream he has come back and I am still with him. He was not violent or anything but very emotionally immature, clingy and manipulative.

I think you should ask to meet his parents - say no overnight stays or all day dates or whatever until you’ve met his parents. Just anything to stop him relaxing and think that he’s got your blessing now to do whatever he likes. Could even be just a casual coffee, you and his mum - he needs to back right off and something intrusive like this might make him realise he can’t mess with your DD.

I'm really sorry to hear that. It gives some context to your messages on this thread. I hope you are ok xx

This is so dumb though, you'll call him something he isn't because you find him creepy? That's so weird, way to water down the meaning of a very serious term.

you find it dumb and I think it's not just creepy as I said many times he's dating an actual child. She isn't 18 she's not yet an adult and it to me is an old man dating a child lol. It isn't watering down the term peado, it's being more vigilant.

do you think that some man in his 30s thinks it's ok to date someone because they are technically a year over the age of consent but if she was born a couple years ago he'd say oh no sorry love I draw the line here?

I think people need to stop giving these men a break and saying oh he's a creep but he's not actually a peado. The term is actually "hebephilia" for this perve but to me they fit the same bloody category and il call them whatever word I like.

Absolutely. This is a conversation that we have had a lot over the years and I know that she is terrified by the idea of someone sharing pictures of her or blackmail. I am confident that she wouldn’t do that and hopefully he won’t even suggest that. I’ll mention it again just in case.

I know of 2 other situations of a similar age gap - one has been together over 2 years, she was 19, he was 33 when they got together, they’re still together now and expecting a baby - the ‘girl’s’ family welcomed him with open arms. The other was 18, he was 35, no idea if they’re still together though. He was a solicitor fgs. Her family were disgusted.

At the girls young age, that age gap is absolutely gross imo.

Just venting because DD is definitely becoming more difficult and frankly acting like a brat. I’m not even asking for advice just frustrated at how naive and childish she is and wondering if I facilitated this. Why did I even try ffs. We all know who’ll be here to pick up the pieces in the end.

Oh dear. It’s not your fault

just be there for when it goes wrong as it will

You are watering it down.. you're using a word that doesn't apply to the situation. But sure you use whatever word you like because you want to lie an add more emotion to the situation lol

What is going on? I take it she's still with him

This is vague, What's going on? I think you also need to calm down a little and not let her see you being so pissed off because that never works out.

I said what I said. I meant what I said. have a nice day 👋