Struggling with my 17-year-old daughter's much older boyfriend

[Tricera]

Just a rant really as I'm still fuming about DD and her older boyfriend. Talking did not achieve anything and she is adamant that she wants to stay over at his place. I grudgingly suggested having him over for dinner first as it would make me more comfortable. Apparently I'm embarrassing, but she agreed.
The creep is 32, she is 17. They barely know each other. I can't see any way at all that this can end well for her without getting hurt, but she is being completely pig headed.
Will probably use this thread to let off steam at times because it seriously getting to me.

Oh well DONE @Tricera I totally agree with your attitude. You just need to be there and nonjudgemental for when it goes wrong. The more you warn her the less she is likely to come and see you when it all goes to shit.

Do think you're being a bit weird about the PDA though

Knew a couple who got together when she was 18 and he was 40. He’d babysat her. It was clear grooming. They are still together 30 years later…had a baby. It wasn’t right….

Yes I did see some of that. He was polite overall and didn’t brag but you could tell.

You are probably right and it’s why I haven’t said anything about it.

How long does the Claire's law thing take to happen?

Sadly I think you are right.

He was clearly disrespecting you in front of you in your home.

To me the mother comment was a signal to you that he will have control.

It must be so incredibly hard for you (understatement) but I think like others have said, keep her very close and don’t push her into his arms.

I knew a mother in exactly the same position, with exactly the same ages involved. Her approach was to not cause any conflict about it with her DD, because she knew it would push her DD into his arms.

Very luckily her strategy worked and they broke up, but it was extremely worrying for her at the time.

It’s not weird at all to think it’s disrespectful of a 30 something man to be holding his 17 year old minor girlfriend’s hands under the table and kissing her in front of you OP.

He is 30 something. He knows full well how uncomfortable this relationship will be making you. Despite that he chose to put on PDA in front of you, on first meeting, in your home.

You are not being weird!

I’m not sure if glad he turned up or not. Glad for you do you have met the smarmy bloke but I kinda wish he didn’t have the balls to have come and met you

agree snogging in the hall was no need

did he bring flowers for you ? Assume no wine as under 18

did you mention her age ?

and at the mum comment I would have def said We should all have a family dinner together. I would love you and your mum to come round for a meal. What’s her number and I can arrange it 😂

sadly you have to bite your tongue so you don’t push her to him

def discuss sex. She will cringe but needs to be mentioned

and it’s Sarah’s law. Not claires

Oh dear. I went through similar with DD. She was 20 and the bloke was 30, with 2 kids. So although she was older than yours, I still thought it was off. I Think DD was a bit starstruck because he was older and to her was sophisticated, had his own place and business etc but I was horrified. It nearly broke us. I tried to be supportive but they both knew I was dead against it and my relationship with DD was the worst it had ever been.

Thankfully he decided to end things after the longest 6 months of my life. He just ghosted DD and broke her heart which was awful to see and indicated just what an immature twat he really was. Not long after he ended up with a girl even younger than DD. DD realised later that she had a lucky escape but I will never forget that time and the anguish it caused.

I can’t give any advice as I did it all wrong and would probably do the same again as the instinct to protect is foremost on your mind. Not a lot you can do tbh but be there to pick up the pieces when it hopefully falls apart before too long. I really feel for you 🙁

The complicated/mother comment was definitely getting at you and putting the idea in your daughter's head. 😡 Did you manage to check he knew her age?

I think that’s quite a good idea. I doubt he will have been discussing such things with her & it should highlight the age gap quite nicely. Showing that they’re at completely different stages of life.

He knows her age. We discussed what we were planning to do for her big 18th and he didn’t look surprised or taken aback.

So he’s a perve lol

I’m so sorry OP what a vile man. How absolutely mortifying for him to be potentially attending the party where his child girlfriend becomes an adult.

I know a couple who were 16 and 30 when they got together. They had a long and happy marriage until the death of one of them. Two of my favourite people of all time. These things can work out, although I accept that’s rare.

Oh @Tricera I really do feel for you—my DD is in Y13 and this makes me feel so sick to my stomach—DH and I were 32 when DD was born!

It worked out but he was still a 30 year old grown man pursuing a school child.

I really feel for you op, and don't imagine I'd be able to be so calm.

I genuinely think the age of consent should be raised to 18 for everyone (with a discrepancy for over 16s who are with under 18s).
This reduces pressure on teenagers and makes the predators hopefully step back.

I'm surprised her peers aren't putting your daughter straight. The impression I get from this age group nowadays, is they are far more aware and less tolerant of creeps.

God this gives me chills
I ended up involved with a 32 year old man at 17. He was actually my boss. Honestly I was flattered at that age. Now I realise it’s utterly creepy and I wasn’t the only youngster then.

30 and 16 is grim but why are ypu saying he was pursuing a school child ?

Ok in case she was already in the workplace at 16 rather than school I’ll rephrase: He was still a 30 year old grown man pursuing a child.

That’s just a fact, isn’t it?

I was seeing a 32 yr old when I was 18. Like pp,I felt flattered, whereas actually, it should have been him who was grateful. He was quite childish. Would def be diagnosed adhd now. I was more educated than him, with big plans. He was small town through and through. But fun. I didn't see him as a long term bf though, just a fling.

If ds brought home a 32yr old woman as his first gf, I'd be having words with her.

I would really be concerned. Personally I would want to speak to the boyfriend directly. If they are both mature enough to have dinner at yours then that is a massive red flag. A man of that age should be completely comfortable with a dinner invite.

When you get him to yours then warn the creep off. Tell him he must leave your daughter alone and end it with her.

Yeah, I've got teens. They think anything other than a limited she gap is weird. Which isn't a bad thing from a generation who remembers Bill wyman and mandy....