Was what he did so terrible?

[Babbyy]

A friend is a member of a sports club.

He came across the profile of one of the women from the club on a dating site. Woman is married to a committee member from the club.

Friend was worried. Either she had been cloned or was behaving erratically. So, friend mentioned it to the safeguarding officer at the club. This is a woman who is best friends with dating profile woman, so he expected she'd be sympathetic to profile woman, have a quiet word and between them they'd do what needed doing (if anything) .

It turned out the profile was genuine and that the marriage had ended, although that was not public knowledge. No one was discreet about friend's "interfering" and he is now being vilified as a busy body, when all he was trying to do was make sure this woman wasn't vulnerable.

Possibly I'd have spoken to profile woman directly, but I understand why he felt it more comfortable to speak with her friend who happened to be responsible for safeguarding.

Just in case anyone thinks safeguarding is only about children, it's not. There are no child members at this club, but in line with its governing body, it still requires a safeguarding officer.

It’s not gossip if it’s true. He saw her on a dating website, that much is true.

Any adult can be vulnerable but safeguarding is for adults who have care or support needs.

see eg here

https://somersetsafeguardingadults.org.uk/information-for-the-public/what-is-safeguarding/

by reporting the profile to the safeguarding officer he is implying that she doesn’t have the ability to protect herself from abuse and that he thinks that abuse might be happening.

that’s a bloody long leap from having a dating profile

Of course gossip can be true. Doesn't mean it's everyone's business to spread around.

If the safeguarding officer thought it wasn’t a safeguarding issue they just needed to say that to him.

Any adult can be vulnerable or at risk.

Adults can potentially be 'vulnerable or at risk', if they have MH issues, dementia, brain injury (etc) There is however absolutely no indication this woman in any way meets that criteria or OP's friend had any reason to believe she did. None.

But she was single too? He’s not entitled to know her personal life and chances in her marital status. And even if she wasn’t single, it’s not “erratic”. It’s morally questionable but still her choice, and the only people he should have raised it with was her or, at a push, her husband.

As for “he thought she might be having a breakdown” ffs. Come on! What bullshit! There’s something wrong with some men there really is!

He must be having a breakdown too then if he’s on a dating site? Or is it just poor pathetic little women who don’t have strong enough minds to cope with dating in his eyes?

He sounds awful. Whether he presents that outwardly or not.

You could say the same for the safeguard women, though. She is apparently friends with dating app woman, so surely would have known why dating app woman was actually on dating app. Unless the separation was so low key that the dating app lady hadn't even told even her friends.

This is what doesn't make sense to me.

If I was the safeguard and this dude came to me with this information, I would thank them and take it no further. No need to because I know the woman, and I know that she is separated and probably is on dating app., right?

If I didn't know friend was separated, as a safeguard my job is the safeguard all members, so I would approach my friend and say 'hey, I saw you are on that dating app. is it you? Or has someone posted your photo on there?'

No need in either scenario to bring the OP's friend into it at all.

It's the safeguarding woman who has created all this drama.

Sorry - if he felt she had been cloned, he should have just messaged her. If she had been cloned, it was within her remit to report it. No need to involve anyone else and not a safeguarding issue in any way.

Not sure I’d call him a busybody, but he handled that wrong.

The simple solution would have been for him to say “hey, it looks like someone is using your profile photo on this dating site. Just thought you should know” and if she offered more info that would be her decision. She might have told her she had split from her husband or she might have said she would contact the site to take it down. Telling someone else is odd.

In that case, why didn't he speak to this woman and ask her 'were you aware of this?'

No you’re thinking of a rumour.

Gossiping can and often is done about things that are true, it’s discussing the private lives of others behind their back.

Yeah this

Grown adults who are of sound mind don’t really need safeguarding. He’s a busybody and a coward for trying to hide behind safeguarding.

By going on a dating site 😂

Behaving erratically? Having a breakdown? Action needed? Wtf! Because shes on a dating site and he thinks she shouldn’t be?!! He’s a massive fucking tool, who probably needs a new sports club .

This is completely bonkers behaviour! A breakdown? wtf?! What kind of weirdo is he?? And to tell her friend instead of her if he absolutely had to stick his beak in - which he really didn't.

I despair.

People are missing these important points from the OP:

'friend mentioned it to the safeguarding officer at the club. This is a woman who is best friends with dating profile woman, so he expected she'd be sympathetic to profile woman, have a quiet word and between them they'd do what needed doing (if anything) .

It turned out the profile was genuine and that the marriage had ended, although that was not public knowledge. No one was discreet about friend's "interfering" and he is now being vilified as a busy body.'

It's the safeguarding woman who is very much in the wrong here. She has failed to safeguard the OP's friend by gossiping!

Op has clarified earlier it the was the woman herself who told other people not the safeguarding woman .

I think the safeguarging person spoke to profile woman, who told others.

Profile woman has told others.

No, the important thing to take from this thread is that a man (OPs friend) thinks a woman, any woman, can't do anything without permission from a man because otherwise she is having a mental breakdown and behaving erratically. That is horrifying.

What’s the alternative?

Why would someone be concerned that an adult was using a dating app?

This weird overreach on safeguarding is a bit of a menace. Safeguarding really shouldn't be diluted in this way. It has specific meaning, as defined in the Care Act 2014 https://www.anncrafttrust.org/resources/safeguarding-adults-at-risk-definitions/

It is a completely unwarranted overreach for independent adults to assume a duty of care over unrelated adults. Running clubs for adults shouldn't have a safeguarding process for each other! It's for people with care needs. Whatever happened to talking to each other.

I do worry about this nonsense of capable adults treating each other like they are all profoundly disabled. How have these ideas developed.

This! It’s disturbing that the club’s safeguarding lead appears not to understand the meaning of safeguarding.

In this case it's extremely unlikely that he thought she was having a breakdown or disabled or so on. Far more likely that he thought she was cheating or trying to, and wanted to expose her while retaining plausible deniability of his motives.

Ok that's fair enough about the need for a SO. I wasn't aware. And yeah you're not wrong. The safeguarding officer should've explained that it was nothing to do with the club and not to come to them on matters of this nature. Not fuelled the gossip.

@ThatCyanCat I agree in this case this is plausible. However it is also true that people do apply "safeguarding" all the time in wildly inappropriate ways. I worked for an NGO for years and people constantly cited safeguarding wrt perfectly capable adults. And parents keep it up about adult children, continually widening the definition until it just means "has any potential problem". It's an encroachment.

I made us all go on a bloody course about it, it annoyed me so much. 😅