Changing child's surname following absent parent

[HowToLifeASafe]

Hi there,

I'm speaking to a solicitor this upcoming week to discuss changing my child's surname from my ex partners/his absent dads, to mine.

Has anyone done this? Any tips? Google says it can be quite tricky.

Thank you!

Wish the UK followed Spain where in law both the mother and father must attend the registration and both first surnames must be given. Too many women give up their names or give their newborn’s solely the father’s name thus keeping the patriarchy alive and well. Good luck - sounds like you are doing the best you can solo parenting your DC.

The irony is he was absolutely amazing with our son up until the morning he left, which has been a total headfuck. It would be much easier if I could look back and think well he didnt do this and he didn't do that, but he was a doting father right up to him leaving. My family and friends have been in total shock and disbelief. He had endless patience, he bathed him and got him to sleep every night, spent hours bouncing him on a bloody exercise ball to get him to nap/sleep (as did i) including at 2am, 3am, 4am etc, even when he had work that wasnt an issue, I felt like we were in it together. Got up with him when he woke at 4am everyday for like a month so I could sleep. Arranged nursery viewings and took time off work, if he was quiet when WFH and had some time he'd run me a bath and tell me to take an hour to myself, when I was being induced he was there dead on 9am and didnt leave til 9pm, bringing me home cooked food so I didnt have to eat hospital food, ordering me nursing bras, looking after both of us when I was unwell and hospitalised a few months after birth. I could go on and on, but sadly there were no signs he was going to do what he did, it came totally out of the blue, which has been the most horrific thing to get my head around. I would never have given our son his surname if I felt he was a deadbeat loser, sadly these men are much more insidious than that.

So was A! Wayyy more patience than I had and was a fantastic, doting father to her. Did all the baths whilst I was recovering, would happily have done all the nappy changes and frankly, everything! Then suddenly like a flick of a switch - gone!

Thought i would update following my appointment with the solicitor.

She said if he doesnt go to court then its extremely likely they would grant the name change, especially given my childs age, the fact none of the paternal family are involved and given my son doesnt yet know his name/has no connection with it.

If he does go to court (unlikely given hes 5 hours away) then obviously its up for the judge to decide. She said most parents represent themselves but I've decided to go with them to help me complete the C100 form and to represent me in court.

Its best if I contact him prior to the court application so she told me to check the coparenting app as I can see when he was last online, so I checked and actually, hes never downloaded it! So given that he hasnt downloaded the app, I am unable to contact him, I dont know his address and hes changed his phone number.

She said i dont need to initiate contact with him and it wont go against me that although I've never stopped contact, I also havent contacted him.

Im waiting until our child's birthday, which is next month, and then i will be going ahead.

That’s all really good news, I really hope it works out for you.

@HowToLifeASafe Do you have no way at all of contacting your daughter's bio father?

Did you mean me? I dont have a daughter. But no, no reasonable way. He changed his number in January (His phone contract was in my name, so when I got the IVA in January it cancelled his contract, he didn't give me his new number), didn't download the coparenting app following mediation and I have no idea where hes living, I can assume the city given he was cheating on me with someone from work and went to live with her (who knows if theyre still together) Its 5 hours away from me. He also changed jobs from the job he was in when we were together. I have two work emails from old jobs. He has no family or friends that I ever met/knew. He doesn't have social media, ie FB, Instagram (I dont have any others but he isnt on those)

@HowToLifeASafe
Sorry - I meant your son. Guessing you were only together a very short time before you had him? So awful he can just walk away from his child 😢 Guessing therefore he pays no maintenance too?
If he's on the birrh certificate he must have been present at registering the baby and you granted permission for him to be named?

We lived together 4 years beforehand. We were in a normal relationship before he left, he was a loving, consistent father, so yes he was on the birth certificate like anyone else. There really was nothing to suggest he was going to do something like this. I genuinely couldnt have faulted him in the almost 12 months he was present. It was a horrific shock to me and my family.

He pays maintenance via collect and pay as he wouldn't engage/pay willingly, he has stopped paying that too for now, though CMS are on it and adding it to the arrears he already owes, so fingers crossed he starts paying again soon! I cant see any information from CMS, just his wage.

Hes the absolute worst.

@HowToLifeASafe
And you never met one family member or friend in all of that time? Didn't that raise alarm bells at all? Or had he no family/friends?
He sounds horrific but I am pleased you are free from him.
How are you managing to make ends meet? That must be tricky.

His mum died a few years before we met (this is true), he had no contact with his dad (his dad apparently abandoned him, oh the irony), one day following an argument he told me his dad had died and asked me to get him from work, i only found out fairly recently that his dad wasnt dead at all. At this point we'd been together a few years and i have no reason to believe he'd lie about his dad dying. I now realise he did it because he'd realised he'd messed up with me and needed to be the victim.

He moved around a lot and when we met he'd returned from living down south for 10 years, so he said his friends/close colleagues were hours away, and that he wasnt in contact with his family as they didnt bother with him when he was in London so why should he bother with them. It turns out, he'd burnt his bridges with everyone a few years before "borrowing" money for cocaine. He said his sister used drugs and he didnt want me around her (this is kind of verified, she used cannabis, but no reason we couldnt have met for a coffee or something)

It did ring bells, but he had an answer for everything!

@HowToLifeASafe
He sounds awful, but the positive is he is completely out of your life now and you can move on. Do you still live in the family home? Just that not sure how it would work should you ever come to sell if jointly owned?

I live in the same house but its private rented (from my parents) we had a contract when we first moved in (in case things went tits up) but after a while we continued with no contract, so he has no claims etc!

So glad to be well rid of him.

@HowToLifeASafe Fair enough, assuming your wages cover everything then it's all good. Or do you not have to pay rent as it's your parents place? That's a good place to be financially.

I can appreciate why you don't want your DS to have your horrible ex's surname but honestly, having a different name to your DCs is not a big deal in any way.
My DCs have their dad's name, we are happily married but I use my dad's name. Nobody has ever asked them why they don't have the same surname as me. Some authorities assume I'm Miss (I'm actually Dr as I have a PhD but if I didn't I'd be Ms) but I'm not insulted. Others call me Mrs Mylastname which is weird when with my DCs with DH last name. Others Mrs DHname which I just correct.
It really really isn't a big deal at school, nursery, any institution at all. Don't over think it. Absolutely nobody will ask him.
If I was in your position I'd just use Known As for the moment or go with the "unofficial" official deed poll site.

My child was born In the 90s,so it was easier then.i just went to a solicitors and did a change of name deedpoll to my married name .i didn’t have to tell the birth father as he’d been absent for about 9 years.
her drivers licence,passport banks,exams are all in her new name.

still not seen the birth father so he has no clue she has a different surname

Yes, I still pay rent!

Apparently you arent able to use "known as" at school, you have to use their legal name, though i do have "known as" at nursery.

I think it would feel different if his father was involved, or if I was still with his father, or even if he had any paternal family involved.

@HowToLifeASafe
Thinking to the future, assuming you would keep your family name if you married? That would strongly be my advice.

That’s because the law changed in 2003 that if a father is named on a bc he automatically has PR, before that he had to obtain it through the courts regardless on being named on the bc

The best way to avoid all of this is to for women to retain their family name and give that same name to any children they have. It makes so much sense!

Categorically yes, I would never, ever change our surnames again!

Its one year since the break up in September and i am still very firmly no man ever! But I am 31. I just couldnt imagine trusting someone to any real extent again, given the shock of what happened.

I promise you, it can be if you’re a single parent with the father absent! Especially if you go abroad, immigration can ask for a signed letter of permission from the father if they see you and your DC have different surnames as we could be kidnapping! But of course when the father is absent, you cannot provide such a letter and you can’t fake one, as even when you provide a letter, they always call the father to verify the letter’s validity! If you don’t provide the letter or it’s not verifiable, you’re refused entry and deported at your own great expense!

Obviously lots of single parents with different surnames to their kids, will say they’ve been abroad 6263578 times and never been asked to provide a letter but they absolutely do require it in many different countries so it’s just not worth the risk.

I also have had issues with GP receptionists requiring proof that I’m DD’s Mum whenever there’s been an admin issue/test results regarding DD.

I agree @Foolish1984, I've heard lots of scenarios regarding the above. Of course its different if you're physically with the dad but have a different surname. Thats the thing, it may be fine 99% of the time but there is still that chance.

And, though i wont say this in court obviously, I want him to have my surname because why the fuck not. I do everything and will continue to do everyhing, his dad is 100% absent. I deserve it, his dad doesnt. He is my family, my little boy wont even recognise his dad, and honestly, if my little boy was with a stranger and not me, i imagine his dad wouldnt recognise him either. They change so much in the early years.