Changing child's surname following absent parent

[HowToLifeASafe]

Hi there,

I'm speaking to a solicitor this upcoming week to discuss changing my child's surname from my ex partners/his absent dads, to mine.

Has anyone done this? Any tips? Google says it can be quite tricky.

Thank you!

Yes and not being able to contact him is not good enough. (Usually) or him not being involved.

This is why women should give any child their surname and any partners surname as a middle name.

Schools won’t change it usually either

I’d been married 10 years before having children. Didn’t change my name and given I took all the physical risks having DC, hell would freeze over before they got DH’s surname! (They have it as a middle name.)

I think its quite unhelpful and upsetting to go over that i shouldn't have given our son his surname and the reasons why, I obviously know all of this, I've said the same myself in earlier posts, how it keeps me up at night etc. Really, I trusted him and thats the only place I've gone wrong, hes knowingly abused and manipulated everyone around him for many years and continues to do so, going as far as lying about his dad dying following an argument or lying about having cancer. I cant go back in time, its my biggest regret/mistake, but its not helpful reiterating that I'm stupid for giving my child his surname.

I understand why you wouldn’t want to do this, but if you want to share a surname it is easier for you to change your name than to change your baby’s.

You are not stupid. The vast majority of children born in the UK have their dad’s surname. So much so that even though we weren’t married at the time my parents still gave me shit for insisting that my children had a double barrelled name, they thought it was disrespectful of my partner (now DH). Please don’t listen to people being mean on here.

Thank you, i have contemplated this. I didnt expect it would be so difficult to change his surname honestly given the circumstances (absent parent) so this is eye opening. Theres a lot to think about, do I just change mine or do I risk him being contacted in the off chance he will accept the change or the court allows me to double barrell.

I was going to suggest you do exactly this.

If having the same name as him is the most important to you, just change your name. It’s your son’s name now (not just your ex’s) and it can be yours too.

OP, get a deed poll cert from the place I linked on the last page. It'll do for everything except for your child's passport, then you can just get that sorted when they're 16. It did the job for us.

But you should be encouraging contact though! Every child deserves to have a relationship with both parents where possible.
Having taught 1000’s of children I’d guess that around 25% had different surnames to their mothers, and it really has very little to no impact on them. In some countries it’s traditional for a child to have a different surname than both parents!

Seriously? This man has chosen a female and snorting coke over having any sort of relationship with his child and you want me to encourage contact? I have never, ever stopped contact, but I also havent initiated it. He walked out one Friday morning out of the blue and immediately moved 5 hours away. A week later was our child's first birthday and not a word from him. Days after he left our child was in hospital twice, I let him know, no interest, in fact he fell asleep while we were in triage (obviously at his place 5 hours away)

I initiated contact when he originally left (begged him to visit our son on his birthday, he wouldnt) I also initiated mediation, from that we downloaded a parenting app and I havent heard a word from him since. Why would I chase someone so unstable? I get letters weekly for debts for him, he owes tens, or more, thousands of pounds. He goes around the country from woman to woman, to leech off them, as he can't even get a phone contract in his name, given his credit. He paid absolutely none of his share of the bills while we lived together (which I didnt know, he was intercepting letters, made sure all of his details ie number and email were the only contacts), he left me in so much debt I now have an IVA, which I pay monthly, while he gets away with it, as he moves around so much they can never catch up to him. He ended the relationship weeks after I handed my notice in (which he strongly encouraged) and took 1k from my bank the day he left, knowing I had no more money coming in for his 11 month old baby.

My child deserves someone who is able to have consistent, reliable contact with him. As I said, I've never denied contact, I did encourage contact in the early days, then realised I was sat at home waiting for him to arrive at 5pm when he was due to arrive at 9.30am. When he first left he made my life hell, threatening to go for full contact, saying he can teach our child better "morals and empathy" than I can, saying he can give our child a better life. The very few times he visited after he left I had to make him leave anyway, due to him screaming at me, calling me a cunt and a prick and telling me to fuck off in front of our child etc, aggressively trying to get at me through the door.

I could go on and on and on. But despite alllll of this I still initiated mediation and had those conversations with him. Sadly he continued to be abusive during mediation and no resolution was made and I didn't hear from him again. Every single person who knows me and the situation thinks I have done more than enough with regards to initiating contact. His dad doesnt want to be in his life, I cant force him.

Thank you, I'll have a look! It is all completely legal etc?

Im having a look at the absent parent section now. It says that I need to have made reasonable attempts to contact him, ie sending last known address a letter and contacting family. I have no address except mine and in the years we were together I never met any family (or friends), he isnt in contact with anyone. But we are on a parenting app together, so technically I COULD contact him (though I have no idea if hes even on the app, but technically I could put a message on there)

My son is 12 and his dad has only seen him once every year of his life since we separated when he was 2. My son a double surname. We’ve been to family court twice due to his dad saying I was refusing contact , however after the initial hearings he completely disengaged with the court process and went awol, both times lol - proving his lack of effort. The courts wouldn’t allow the change of my son’s name; I didn’t ask - however we went through everything in the end as they issued a section 91:14 meaning he couldn’t drag me back there to waste more time when he eventually returns from wherever he goes. I was told when my son turns 16 he can change his name if he wants to and that parental absence doesn’t mean much in terms of name.

To add, I also asked him to videocall when he first left so his 11 month old would remember him and, as expected, he had no interest in that either. He never once asked for a photo, a video, or an update on how is son was doing from the moment he left.

It's a legit company/website, although this method is in a bit of a grey area if I'm totally honest 😂

Essentially, because it isn't done through a court order, if he found out he could take you to court and have it changed back. But for that to happen he'd firstly have to find out, and then give enough of a shit to actually spend time and money taking you to court to reverse it. Given what you've said, that's very unlikely to happen.

You get the official-looking certificates and that's enough for most agencies. I never had any issues changing my daughter's name this way. Changed it everywhere a few years ago and it never came up again.

I vaguely recall seeing some old posts on here about it when I was looking into it, you might be able to find them if you want to look into it a bit more.

Got to be better than changing your name to his!

You have done enough and you don’t have to explain yourself to a weirdo on MN that thinks every child should be encouraged to have a relationship with both parents. We wouldn’t have child protective services and family courts if that was true.

Thank you. Im sorry you went through so much stress. I'd be fine with a double barreled surname!

And of course, if his dad ever got in touch in the future we would discuss that and make age appropriate arrangements.

They won't check what efforts you've made. Just say you've sent letters to his last known addresses etc. Perhaps a bit naughty but it's not like anybody is ever going to find out.

I highly doubt a court will grant this. Maybe wait 10 years. And then you may be in with a chance

I think given what you’ve said.. if his dad ever makes contact you should request it goes through the family courts on safeguarding grounds.

Under 16 you’ll need permission - either his or the court. They can do it themselves by deed poll at 16 without permission.

This may have changed because it’s years ago I did this but the advice I was given by a solicitor was that you can do it informally without permission. I wrote a letter to school, banks, other relevant places etc and said from xxxx date, xxx(child) is to be known as xxxx (new name) and everyone complied. Them at 16 you can get them to do a deed poll. The only thing you can’t change doing it this way is the passport.

Like I say it was years ago I did this so things may have changed.

Yes it does in the family court

Yes, definitely. I was trying to manage it all myself last year and I wouldn't try that again, especially after mediation failed. (It was all going ahead, then 3 minutes before the end of our session he said "actually no, I'm not dancing to (name) tune" and we got nowhere. Despite the mediator agreeing that my responses were perfectly reasonable. Since mediation failed, I think that would be the next step, but also i would probably offer him contact at a childrens centre (arranged by him) in the interim while court was being actioned.

Ooh I'm too much of a wimp for this! I just worry that if he ever found out he was frame it as parental alienation and it would go against me, whereas currently I've only ever been seen as encouraging contact, initiating mediation etc!