Changing child's surname following absent parent

[HowToLifeASafe]

Hi there,

I'm speaking to a solicitor this upcoming week to discuss changing my child's surname from my ex partners/his absent dads, to mine.

Has anyone done this? Any tips? Google says it can be quite tricky.

Thank you!

Would it be completely mental if I changed my surname to my sons?

I suppose safeguarding concerns could be argued. He was physically and emotionally abusive towards me, though nothing was reported to the police. Hes a heavy drug user and an alcoholic. In massive amounts of debt. Hes a vile person who meets a woman, leeches off her, then moves onto the next. I didnt know this obviously. He has no family or friends, he has nobody or nothing except the woman hes currently with and what he can extract from her/her unwitting family. He is, however, extremely charming and charismatic, hence he gets every job he goes for. He told me one day during our relationship that his dad had died, he hadnt. He also told me he had cancer when we met, in hindsight, it cannot possibly be true, but I believed him. He is a horrible creature and I would never feel safe letting my child go with him (though I have never ever stopped contact, I initiated mediation etc) All of this is telling me that I probably can't/won't risk having any contact with him, direct or indirect.

Is the point not to remove the 'nod' to his father the point? Im confused but Im not in the UK I am in Ireland so this would be a different thing but is it not that you want your child to NOT have his birth fathers surname?

Ideally I'd want my child to have my family name, the same as my parents, my lovely (deceased) grandparents, my aunties and uncles, cousins etc. But more than that, I want us to share a surname. I dont want to feel I need to briefly explain the situation when I enrol him in nursery, when I have to tick "parent" on a GP form even though we have different surnames etc. He hasnt been abroad yet, but i know that can cause difficulties if we have different surnames. I dont want him to feel alone/disconnected from his family/me.

Don’t worry about different surnames causing you bother. It’s incredibly common for children and mothers to have different surnames.

Its more common now for people to be asked questions when travelling with children because immigration officers are more aware of people travelling when they shouldn’t be rather - I’ve been questioned far more in recent years with my younger kids and they share my name whereas my older kids (now mid twenties) don’t and people rarely batted an eyebrow.

If you wanted to change your name to his that wouldn’t be insane either, but you would likely get an order for double barrelled if you go down the court route.

If the court cannot track him down then they’ll make an order without him there.

I just think, realistically, would it encourage him to get involved? CMS is weekly, he doesnt always pay, but thats a constant reminder of his son. Why would this be different? Or would it all be about control?

If there are clear safeguarding concerns then the court would take this into account if he decided he wanted to ask for contact. If you apply for a name change Cafcass will complete interviews with you both (if he engages) and would write a report with advice to court. Sounds like you also need a Child Arrangements Order in any case to confirm your child lives with you (means you can travel etc without seeking permission).

Would this still be the case if the father has been absent for 10 years with zero contact whatsoever?

Are you in contact with dad?
I would offer him : it works best for son to be linked with me with surname so official people know I’m his mum. I want him to keep his link to you with name, so you consent to me changing his middle name to your surname and mine as his surname? This is purely so our son isn’t singled out or confused and to help with admin.

if he agrees you can do it by Deed poll.

if he doesn’t agree then offer double barrel. If he doesn’t agree tell him you’ve been strongly advised that a court would double barrel this but you’d rather not go that route as it’s stressful for everyone.
last resort court.

A ten year old would have a view which would be listened to at least a bit. So it’s different.
we don’t know that ops 2 year old won’t get back in touch and want a link to his paternal heritage via a name later in childhood

(I am team give mums surname. I was bullied into changing it to double barrel to placate my ex later, which I agreed to to stay away from court. In hindsight I wish I had put dad surname as a middle name as I don’t like my son having a double barrel)

No, I am not in contact with him at all, havent heard a word since mediation in January and I wont be reaching out. I know it would be easier to have the ability to do that, but sadly I really dont.

I’m not talking about a 10 yr old, I’m talking about an older child and wondering if the same applies when the father has been absent a long time.

Courts are very, very reluctant to change names beyond double barrelling.

Depending on the age of the child they may not have long to wait to change by deed poll at 16. They don’t need parental consent for that.

was He controlling when you were together?

you’d know him best.

my ex for example would fight a name change. He went to court for EOW and half of holidays despite me not blocking contact ever and he then fought when I went back to court to have it changed despite the fact he’d seen the girls three times in the previous year (and one of those was at a family wedding and the girls were with their grandparents).

My daughter has born mine and exes surname (he isnt involved so I wanted his removed) i was told by a solicitor that a court would not remove a surname and my ex has been absent for much longer. So I think best you will get is double barrelled.

He isn't interested enough to go to court etc from my experience with him, he also doesn't have the money. From the day he left he's had no interest, ie our sons 1st birthday was a week later and he didn't even message me, 2 days after he left our son ended up in hospital twice with croup and he wasn't interested. I'm not sure if he hates me enough to protest this or whether he simply doesn't care.

I would be absolutely fine with double barrelling his name, I would just drop my exs name except for legal documents, school etc.

You are not the only one who does it. My sister is a registrar and says that the vast majority of unmarried couples give the baby the father’s name. I imagine it depends on the demographic of the area. She says as a part of her spiel that it can’t be changed even if one of you wants that or of you split up but nobody has ever reconsidered it. Even if they aren’t together at the registration. She’s had women say to the men ‘are we giving her your name’ and they just shrug or grunt and they still do it.

I don’t know if it would be worse but you could change your name to the babies name if you wanted, if you don’t manage to get it changed. Your ex doesn’t even need to know, he wouldn’t find out if he’s so far away and disengaged

I have considered changing my surname to my sons too. It is such a big decision, I can see why your sister says that. We were (I thought) in a happy, committed relationship, we were ring shopping, he (seemed to be) an amazing and committed father, I never expected any of this to happen in a million years, all of it has come as such a shock. It wouldn't feel like this if he was still involved.

Part of me thinks would he not just okay the change, but he probably wouldn't while hes paying any form of CMS, and to get that answer would be too late anyway, I dont want to be seen to be encouraging contact.

I have done this. I had to go to Court. But my DC was about to go into secondary school and his ‘dad’ had been absent for several years, and DC had no relationship with ‘dads’ wider family either. He was known as my surname throughout primary school but they didn’t consistently apply this as they probably weren’t supposed to (as absent dad wasn’t around to give his consent). He still has a birth certificate with his original surname on, but everything else is in his real name.

If you’re going to court you should consider also applying for a specific issue order to take your DC abroad without permission from the other parent - so you don’t have to go through that rigmarole at a later date.

The Courts can allow service other than by post if necessary eg to his LinkedIn Account

I got a deed poll from this company without the other parent's consent (I had a non-mol in place at the time, but there's also a section on absent parents):
https://www.deedpoll.org.uk/can-i-change-my-childs-name/

I was told it probably wouldn't be accepted by the Passport Office, but everywhere else - school, nursery, doctors, dentists etc - accepted it happily. Technically you don't need to pay for a company to do your deed poll, but it came on official-looking paper with a stamp, which makes people much more likely to accept it without question.

It's safeguarding concerns towards the child not you. DA doesn't count I'm afraid.

Its an ego thing with men even when they're not interested in the child. I know the horse has bolted, but women do all the work in making these babies and giving birth to them and they get called after the man! Like she had no part in it.