Dd isn't home because im taking so long.

[Whyohwhy99]

I have messed up. My house is quite a mess recently. Yesterday complex needs person rang me asked to come for a home visit which is today. Late afternoon. I agreed on purpose because it will force me to properly tidy up.

I'm sorting Dd16 bedroom. I have totally emptied it out carpet up. Which has taken me 5 days. Ds was going to take the roll of lino up from downstairs but he was on the phone. So i came down stairs to rest for a bit. About 30 mins later ds took the lino up for me. I was meant to go back up but I didn't. I cant do it on my own I can barely lift it. Ds can't help today because he's moving out.

Only thing I can think of is to ask dd16 to help me. Its her room I'm doing. But I really cant be arsed with crappy teenage strops. But also she's been at her sisters for a week because I'm taking so long to do the bedroom. And really she should be home and its because of me that she's not. She's quite happy at her sisters but thats not the point. It was just meant ti be for a couple of nights stretching to 3 wouldn't have been so bad but its been a week. I feel like I have dumped her.

Are you the poster who posted a lot when you were doing the house up?

No Dd has a child with high complex needs. He can't be left alone. But now you say that. Adult dd is actually coming over tomorrow with the kids. Since adult dd and dd16 are stronger than me maybe I can ask them to do the flooring together even if its roughly and I finish it of. And I can watch the kids. I will try myself today. Because I don't really want dd our another night. But if ut comes to it. It would have to be tomorrow.

@Whyohwhy99 you are overwhelmed. Just sit for a moment and think. You've done this before, so you can do it again.

Can your sister help?

• If the lino is upstairs, is it near to the room?
• is it the right size for the room? If it isn't, measure the room and use a Stanley knife to cut off all but about 40 mm of the excess. It takes a couple of minutes to get through the layers but it makes life easier.
• Have you got the spray glue?

Once you have it rolled out you'll feel less overwhelmed and you'll get on with the job.

Why does DD’s room need to be tidied ? Close the door, leave her to it.

or … are you planning to give the use of DD’s room to “high needs visitor”. Thats quite another matter.

It sounds like you are overwhelmed and have trouble with prioritising tasks. Why is this person coming to assess your house? Even it's to do with your autistic son I am not sure why they'd need to look in your DD's bedroom? Have you come to the attention of social services and been told you need to sort the house out?

Did you take the carpet up because it was filthy and beyond saving? If so then your DD is more than old enough to understand that she will have been at least partly responsible for that, and should be capable of keeping her own room clean and tidy. I know if the entire house is a tip she'll think 'why should I?' but on the other hand, if her room was never the main issue and she's moved out to her sister's because she can't cope with the overall state of your home then I have some sympathy with her. And I'd have to ask why you chose to start in her room when other places are probably more important right now.

I think you go ahead with the planned visit anyway, let the visitor see the reality of what you are dealing with. Perhaps your life with your autistic son is such that your own MH and general energy and motivation level is poor and you are struggling to cope. Just be honest with her. She will have seen it all before.

Use all the resources available to you to try to prioritise sensibly and tackle one small thing at a time, in short bursts, until you can start to see a difference. Don't tackle anything major while the rest of the house is in total chaos. Start with one room at a time, throwing away anything you don't need to keep and putting other things in neat piles or away in cupboards if possible. When the clutter has subsided and you can do things like cook dinner without having to move a ton of dirty stuff first, or actually put some clean washing away without tripping over more clothes and crap on the floor, then go back and focus on things like changing carpets and dismantling beds.

I think your probably right. I'm probably over thinking it all.

I think i just need to tidy my downstairs first. It will take under an hour doing ut in a relaxed manner. So I'm not actually rushing it. That then frees me to concentrate on dds bedroom. Which i will give a go. If it gets to much then I will ask both dd to help..

It sounds hard work when you're dragged down by the weight of responsibility for SEN child, other kids, plus teen strops, never mind the amount of clutter that some kuds, adults accumulated because they don't use bins or common sense, or don't like parting with enough stuff to allow sensible living.
And I'm talking from personal experience.

So no it doesn't sound like she's taken too long or whatever, it just sounds normal and difficult to me, and she needs boosting to finish the job somehow.

I would recommend some serious tear jerking reprimands, punishments, withdrawal of treats like WiFi or something, which you don't want to do, but it sometimes shakes kids into action.
But she knows her kids best. Especially the SEN child.
They all live in the house, contributing to family life, chaos, housework needs that she could otherwise achieve without challenging teen spirit worsening things.

your daughter should be helping, its her room. ignore the moods and tell her to crack on

This thread is making my head spin.

I'm done here !

This has nothing to do with her room. It’s her attitude you seem to find impossible to deal with. Can her older sister come help you both do the flooring? Or your son tomorrow? Then after her room is sorted you need to figure out a way of dealing with her strops and rudeness rather than literally burying it under the rug!

I think people are missing things I said in my op or i worded it badly.

Thetez things being added that I haven't said. People are missing that its not just tidying up. People are asking why have I taken the carpet up. I don't see why thay matters uts up regardless of the reason.

Anyway I have a few ideas now. Thank you.

Why are you hectoring OP when it is clear that she has struggled with this physical work?

The question i have is why the 26 year old DD wasnt helping to, or doing all of, the boxing and clearing of the contents of her bedroom

What? It will take under an hour to clear up downstairs? So you aren't living in total chaos after all then? When you said the house has been 'quite a mess recently' I thought that was you playing down that you lived in an unhygienic hovel, but it sounds as if it really is just 'a bit of a mess' recently.

I'm not sure what the issue is. You said you agreed to the visit because it would spur you on to do a good tidy up, and you made it sound like an inspection but it's not. And it turns out it's only an hour's work to get downstairs visitor ready.

me too!

Ok just an observation, please don't take offence, are you diagnosed yourself? As you are most likely on the spectrum. Both myslef and DH are. I'm autism, hes ADHD.
There is someone coming to your house that needs tidying up before they come. And you have decided that the task that really needs doing is stripping all the furniture and flooring out of one of your children's (not even the child this visit concerns) bedrooms. A massive task, you are not physically able to complete yourself or in the time you have. That is ADHD through and through, 100% exactly what my DH would and does do.

Drop your daughters bedroom until after the visit. It is not THE priority. Sort downstairs out. And the outside entranceway to your house. Shut your daughter bedroom door. These people have no reason to go in there. And if they do you say "oh we're redecorating DDs room over the summer." You need clean kitchen counters, clean chairs for them to sit on, pots washed, any rubbish outside gone. Any rubbish outside of bins, gone.

Then 16yo comes home and helps redecorate her own bedroom.

People are asking why have I taken the carpet up. I don't see why thay matters uts up regardless of the reason.

It matters because
-if you decided to take it up on a whim and your DD's room is now uninhabitable to the point that she has had to move out OR
-your DD begged you to redecorate her room OR
-the carpet was filthy, worn through and entirely unsanitary

.. will change the response you get, and particularly your DD's reaction to and involvement in the situation.

I'm now assuming your lack of telling us is because it was the first of these possible answers, and you've caused a difficult situation for no good reason, in which case, even more need to sort it out as quickly as possible.

26? I think a typo 16 😅

Its a me thing. I just didn't want to deal with teenage strops. They are no worse than typical teenager. But i just didn't want to deal with it. I wanted music on. Positive vibe for myself and just get on with it. But anyway theres a plan now.

Ah, sometimes it's really tough being a parent and having to lay down the law. Yeah, strops etc are part of it. If given a free pass because you don't want to live with her strops gives her the message that she can keep doing that in order to avoid anything she doesn't want to do!

With kindness op, you're wasting time on here and procrastinating when you just need to go get on with it. Do the stuff you can do, stick the lino somewhere visible and just say to the person coming round you just lifted the carpet yday and when it's getting laid. As long as you have it and have a plan when it's going down and the rest of the place is clean and tidy itl be fine. No one expects a show home.

And who's 'just going' to pay for it considering the OP said she can't?

Laying vinyl flooring in a biggish room is not an easy job to do on your own. It's heavy work.

Can you get it all ready to be laid (skirting boards off, subfloor cleaned, etc) and then get DD to come and do the heavy lifting with you? Positioning and unrolling the flooring is easy enough; it's just physically hard due to the weight of the flooring. It will need two of you.

You say you don't want her out another night but you also say your DS is moving out.

Can she not take his old room until her flooring is done?

Yeah thats out of site anyway. I'm le doing down stairs which won't take long. I can worry about up stairs a bit later.

Yes I'm going to do that 👍

It's actually ok to make mistakes and fail at something. Sometimes circumstances mean that things don't go to plan or get complicated. Step back and try to deal with the feelings of being overwhelmed. You have a plan now and can move on. Visualise how lovely the room will look when it's finished.