Are you friends with your husband?

[UnorganisedMother]

I don't feel like I am. I try, however DH always says that he doesn't have much to talk about, and he doesn't really initiate time together; I get fed up of being the one to do so.
We get by OK, I just think it would better of we could have a bit more fun in our day to day lives, or even just an enjoyable chat.

I wanted to see whether this is usual really, or if I'm expecting more than I should. There is more to it than that, I just didn't want to type out a huge essay.
We've been together twenty years.

Yes, day to day stresses make us bicker at times but we do still genuinely get along well and if we go on a “date night”/holidays etc we have a nice time

I have told him how I feel, numerous times.
Nothing changes though, and we don't really do anything just us two. I probably could do more myself, I just got fed up of being the only to arrange anything for us two to do over the years.

He’s not my best friend as that role was filled long before we met. But yes, we’re close, we talk, laugh etc. I like hanging out with him.

I’m sorry it’s not feeling like that for you @UnorganisedMother

Yes he's my best friend. Been together for 33 years, married for 29 years.

We dont have the perfect marriage (whose is??) We can bicker about ridiculous stuff until the cows come home when we are tired. We also dont have a lot in common on paper.
However we have been through a lot of major things that could have broken us over the years, including the death of our son six years ago. We both grieved /are grieving differently. So many people advised us to get counselling as there are so many bereaved parents that end up divorced. However somehow we got through it and supported each other and continue to do so.
We are not joined at the hip and I have always given him space and vice versa.
I would never object to him booking a weekend away hiking with a group of work friends and likewise with him. Due to our work schedules, we see a lot of each other during the day and will go for lunches, days out, coffee etc.
At night we relax in separate rooms as we have such different tastes in things we like to watch on TV. I can't stand his love of Shed and Buried and Ben Fogle and he cant stand Crime Documentaries and murder mysteries, which I love. I noticed another person commented they do the same which surprised me as I thought we were strange!

I dont have a lot of female friends really. My DH is enough.

Yes, best friends.
We don't do tonnes together. The situation with the kids makes that quite difficult. But just spending time together in the evenings at home, we have a laugh. Not always. Sometimes one or both of us is just too wiped out. But pretty often. We enjoy each others company.

Yes, we are absolutely best friends.
Been together since teens, 24 years now!
If we didn't get on so well, I'd not want to be with him. Surely you'd be miserable otherwise?

This is sad, yes we’re best friends, he can annoy me immensely don’t get me wrong, and probably me him but we can also stay up all night talking, so often that some people believe we have taken drugs! (We haven’t). Together 15 years but don’t live together which is probably the secret!

I think sometimes we have to accept a responsibility or role in the relationship so for you it could be that you go out every Saturday to breakfast together by yourselves or a walk somewhere which is more possible now the weather is better. It is a set thing, at a set time, doesn't require any thought if it is the same place or the same walk. It is a start. And it is you who organises it.

You need to carve out time so that you are alone without the children. I have adult sons who do spend time as a family as well as off doing their own thing. Dh and I do a lot of stuff by ourselves. He is my best friend because we both make the effort to put the phone down and talk.

The alternative for you is the marriage dies, you have to sell the house or one of you buys the other one out. You have to split pensions and marital assets, the children may decide they want to live with their Dad etc. The children have to work out who to spend Christmas with and all the upset that ensues from that.

If you still love him then turn into this marriage and plan stuff. You are doing it anyway for the whole family, so do it for you and Dh too.

Yes we get on well and make each other belly laugh a few times every day.

About 4 times a year we have a couple of days where we don’t particularly like each other. Now we just say to each other we seem to be having one of unable to communicate with each other times then we usually leave each other alone. We will snap out of it after a couple of days, sometimes we go for a long costal walk and become good pals again.

We have been together 31 years and see a LOT of each other.

Yes, we are best friends really. We’ve been together for 21 years and married for 13. If anything, now we have two young children, we struggle with the fact that we don’t have anywhere near as much to do time things together as we used to. Before kids we’d go out together pretty much every other weekend for thinks like wine tasting, visiting street food vendors, real ale days, weekends away, museums etc. with the other weekends spend with friends and parents. We’re lucky if we get one weekend day together without the children every six months now but I think we’re lucky as we have a lot in common so we’re happy to just chat/watch a film or series or game together once the kids are in bed.

Don’t get me wrong, we both get on each others nerves sometimes, especially with the added pressures of parenting. Trying to fit everything in around work feels hard sometimes!

Yes, why - how! - would we still be together if we weren’t friends as well as lovers? We met in the first week of Freshers in 1979, started going out the next summer and have been married for nearly 40 years.

Yes my dh of 27 years is my best friend, but it doesn't stop me every so often looking at the patio and thinking we need a new one 🤣

Nope, he's more of a flatmate really. We don't do anything together.

Exactly this. My best friend will always be my best friend, and actually I hugely value the various close friendships I have, but I’d say my husband and I are friends yes. We like each other aside from all the husband and wife stuff!

Very well said!

Same here - mine is definitely my best friend, but he drives me crazy, and I do him as well. However, we stick together through thick and thin, as it should be.

I don't want to pinch @UnorganisedMother thread and I'm sorry if it appears like that.
The majority of your husband's sound lovely and you seem to have the right balance
Does your husband's have your back if someone upsets you. Does your husband's acknowledge all that you do, do they praise you, encourage you, make sure if you're ill that you at least have the basics. Do they encourage and enjoy your children, do they at least tolerate your family or do they just take, take take and ignore you when you actually need them. Married 30 years and the last 4/5 he couldn't give a damn. He won't admit it, denies everything, twists everything and blames me. There was an article in the daily mail today (I know most people hate it, I do but this rang home. If you read the mail you know which piece, won't say it directly because it might truly upset a fair few of you and I don't want to do that. I have done everything for that man, supported him through out, he doesn't give a damn.

Outside of our kids, he is the person I want to spend my time with. I love seeing my other friends but I actively miss DH when he’s not here. We don’t always need to be talking but we’re so comfortable with each other that it really doesn’t matter what we’re doing.

My DH does all of the above and more. I’m not well today and he’s immediately taken over so I can go to bed. He hangs out with my family even when I’m not there because he actually likes them.

Best friends though? Not really. He’s in a separate category for me, and tbh he wouldn’t want to be my bf. It’s a different relationship, and both are important. I love my bffs in a completely different way.

I agree with this.
I have great friends. I also have a dh.
They are different roles.

and

If I leave it and don't, we just end up sitting at home all weekend apart from the food shop etc.
DC obviously still hanging out with friends, I'm just bored with DH watching TV.

It seems odd to me that you would let your marriage slip into decline just because it is annoying you have to make the plan though.

Even if your dh wants to do something different, why would you just sit watching TV every evening if you are bored by that? It seems easily resolvable.

Yes. He is my favourite person to spend time with, either at home pottering and doing not much, or going out or on holiday. We both do things with seperate friends and joint friends but we spend a lot of time together, just us, as well. Together 20+ years and we have never run out of things to talk about. Both married before where it was not like that, so feel very fortunate.

Not at the moment, he’s being a proper grouchy twat. Is the male menopause real?

DH took early retirement at 59, and I've followed on and done the same two years later. We both have separate interests, but will happily spend time together doing things, or just being around eachother at home and chatting while reading/gardening etc. Also, we're very lucky we both have friends of 20+, and get on well with eachother's friends. We both see our friends separately, but quite often go together as friends to see friends.

Now we're around eachother so much, I'd say if you haven't got that mutual happy connection to really build up your hobbies and friends as you get older. We have a fair few of both and they enhance your lives, but would need and want them even more without eachother.

Nice to hear positive responses. Gives me hope that maybe one day I might find my soul mate though am not looking for one!I haven’t been that lucky one failed long engagement and a recent failed marriage.

We get on well, have the same (well similar) values, holiday well together. The odd grumble. 20 years together and doing ok. We still find each other interesting…