Having a long term affair. AMA

[preparedfortheonslaught]

Almost 8 years in. We both love each other, and meet very occasionally. We both are in relationships that do not fulfil us but would never leave because of children. No one knows apart from us, and we are very careful not to do anything to jeopardise the others relationships by contacting each other apart from e-mails. I feel horrible about my partner, but am unwilling to stop seeing my lover. Ask me anything you like.

What will you do if your partner finds out?

Don't you have a conscience?

Why do you think you’re doing your DC any favours modelling an unfulfilling relationship and lying to them and their other parent?

I would be devastated because we are like best friends, but the sexual attraction is not there. I would have to leave our home and move away, leaving our son and our life together. He has done nothing wrong, it is all my fault. The OM would not leave his partner, and I would not want him to leave his children for me.

Also how would you feel if your partner was having an affair? Could you forgive them?

My conscience is not clear, and I wrestle with the decisions I have made every day.

Why do you think it's okay to deny your partner the right to make informed decisions about his/her life? Do you believe there is a point to the argument that you are violating their consent by allowing them to believe they are in a monogamous relationship and make life decisions based upon that lie?

Why not just amicably end your marriage, agree co parenting and date people who are single?

That doesn't sound fun for anyone and I include you in this. Why can't you leave with your children and start again together?

Do your partners have lovers too? And how would/do you feel about it?

I could forgive him, because I understand the fallible nature of humans, though would be very upset.

Do you sleep with both men?
Do you have low self esteem?

Why did you think this would make an entertaining thread

How did you meet him?
How often do you meet now and where?
Are you still intimate with your DH?

This is going to go well

Ironically I am largely celibate. My husband and I rarely have sex, and the OM and I meet 3-4 times a year.

If you could turn the clock back 8 years, would you make the same decision to start the affair?

8 years?

The most precious thing you can give someone (apart from love) is your time. Why are staying with your husband if you only see him as your best friend?

My self-esteem can be quite fragile, in part because I am not by nature a cheater. This is not a situation I am comfortable with.

I could forgive him Forgive him and be ok with it to continue?

He must have his suspicions if you rarely have sex.
How old are you.

Does your lover have other lovers?

I think you're incredibly immoral and selfish not to allow your husband to make an informed choice about whether he should stay with you or not. You are dishonest and selfish.

have you ever discussed telling your respective partners and letting THEM decide if they want to continue with the status quo?

If I could turn back the clock, I would not have fallen in love with someone I could not have wholly, or met him. He inadvertently made me see that the love I have for my husband, who is a kind and caring man, would not be enough long term.