Having a long term affair. AMA

[preparedfortheonslaught]

Almost 8 years in. We both love each other, and meet very occasionally. We both are in relationships that do not fulfil us but would never leave because of children. No one knows apart from us, and we are very careful not to do anything to jeopardise the others relationships by contacting each other apart from e-mails. I feel horrible about my partner, but am unwilling to stop seeing my lover. Ask me anything you like.

Where are you OP? Perhaps these are not the questions you thought people would ask because they don't subscribe to your view of the affair as a grand love story, star-crossed lovers etc?

What Laugheronthewing said. 100%

Why do you think it's okay to deny your partner the right to make informed decisions about his/her life?

This is literally my complete problem with affairs. It's not fair.

I am prepared for it to end. Of course it will have to. It's not fair, or right, and it is without the daily grind so who knows if we would have worked as a couple. We communicate a fair amount, and we were friends before it ever happened so it was not a random stranger. As for the ins and outs of it all, it's complex and frustrating but we both agree that we want to continue. And yes, when either of us is ill we try and let the other know but if something horrific happens then I have no idea.

Can you please address the questions about why you think it's okay to prevent your partner being able to make informed decisions about his life? I've asked it on a couple of affair AMAs and never get an answer.

I completely understand how you could have gotten to where you are so I'm not judging. How much do you talk in between meeting up? Do you get attention from OM that your husband doesn't give? What happens on occasions like birthdays and Christmas do you try to meet up?

Luna, of course it's not right and that's part of why what I'm doing is so wrong. Moralistically speaking what I'm doing is so wrong. I'm not trying to justify my actions, more reconcile that I am doing it, and am aware of the duplicity that I am undertaking through my behaviour.

15star-thank you for not ripping me a new one. We will message each other wishes, but do not meet up or send gifts etc.

15star-sorry missed the other part of your question. OM and I will message each other three or four times a week, sometimes lengthy messages but often a quick hello.

Utter bollocks

It is all very much about how bad you feel and you know it is wrong, yet your husband is having to live the same marriage you are, only he does not know why.

Your husband deserves the chance to have a true marriage or at least an honest relationship, something he is NEVER going to have with you.

You expect to keep him around for years and then get rid?

Why not give him the chance now to move on with his life, meet someone new, have a real relationship, possibly more children etc. You are stealing that chance from him.

So why not give him the truth about his life then, instead of stealing it from him?

What's the point? You have sex 3-4 times a year. You betray your husband and risk your family for sex 3-4 times a year.

Why not just not have sex and be friends.
Then you could see each other openly with your partners knowledge and consent.

And you say you are "not by nature a cheater" but you are. You cheat, and have done so for 8 years. And are unwilling to stop. What is that if not the very definition of having the nature of a cheater. It is hardly like it was an accident, a one off. You made this decision.

Laughter- I have made the decision that for the time being I am staying in my marriage and my home. We have stopped our affair for months at a time to try and break the connection, but somehow we have not managed to stop. He brings me joy. One day, perhaps, I shall feel able to make a decision based on a non-clouded basis but for now I am staying put. It's a pretty shitty cake to eat, frankly, because I would much rather be in a happy marriage with no complications. I am a fool in many respects, but a fool with all of the knowledge in my hands.

Are you really staying for the children, or is it because of the upheaval / confrontation in all forms / acceptance of reality / gossip?

Do you truly intend to end your marriage when your children are adult and have left home? If so, do you think your husband will be glad that you chose to stay while all the time counting down to when you would leave?

Just to add, I have a more nuanced view of affairs, so while I certainly don't think it's right, I don't think it's the worst thing a person can do, and you are clearly unhappy.

You say that you are prepared for it to end and yet go on to say that you both agree that you want to continue. So how will you feel in another 8 years time if things have continued as they are?

But you’ve denied your partner being able to have all the knowledge in their hands.

Thank you everyone for your input, it is indeed food for thought. Perhaps, whilst passing judgement on me, you should look around at the people you know who seem happy and yourselves, and ask whether, when faced with the dilemma of when you fall in love with someone you shouldn't, you leave your baby behind or try and make it work at home in a sexless marriage. I am not a monster of a human, and I do struggle to sleep at night knowing what I have done and continue to do. I shall bid you adieu.

Your poor poor husband. This is all about you, you go on about your guilt, and how horrible you feel yet YOU make the decision for your husband to stay in a false marriage, YOU are happy to have someone who brings you joy while denying your husband the same chance, YOU are making all the decisions, based on what YOU want. The trappings of a marriage and the thrill on the side that you cannot manage to stop. You say you stay for the children, but it is all about how you do not want to leave your home, your life as it is.

But you wallow in false guilt, denying what you actually are.

Why would you have to leave your baby?

It just seems weird, saying you’re eaten up with guilt but then proclaiming ‘ask me anything!’ What questions were you expecting? (Genuinely)

aahhh....I get it. Ask me anything, apart from anything that might make me feel any responsibility. "I cant help it, I fell in love, we tried to stop but have been unable to manage, I feel every so guilty, I stay as otherwise I would have to leave my baby, I am not by nature a cheater, look at yourselves, I could be you........"

You are lying to yourself almost as much as you lie to everyone else in your life.

Luna- I shall answer this, because it has been asked and I have not answered. When a man has an affair, it is assumed (certainly on mn) that ducks are put in rows, and that the wronged party stays in the marital home. I would assume that this works both ways. I am the one committing adultury, why should my husband be the one to leave our home and family behind?