Having a long term affair. AMA

[preparedfortheonslaught]

Almost 8 years in. We both love each other, and meet very occasionally. We both are in relationships that do not fulfil us but would never leave because of children. No one knows apart from us, and we are very careful not to do anything to jeopardise the others relationships by contacting each other apart from e-mails. I feel horrible about my partner, but am unwilling to stop seeing my lover. Ask me anything you like.

How does it feel to be an unreal, hollow shell of a human, with no real connection to any other human being, living an existence founded on lies and never knowing the true meaning of love?

Children are not a reward for the parent who behaves themselves.

They deserve the stability of staying in their home if possible, but certainly being cared for after a split, in the main, by the same parent as before, while also maintaining a meaningful relationship with the other parent.

You don’t give up your children as some sort of “hair shirt” because you’re the cheat.

You just make sure you are considerate and fair (unlike your behaviour over the last 8 years) when dealing with contact arrangements and the split of assets etc. and that everything is decided in the best interests of the children, not whichever parent is determined to “win” over the other.

I have made the decision that for the time being I am staying in my marriage and my home. We have stopped our affair for months at a time to try and break the connection, but somehow we have not managed to stop. He brings me joy. One day, perhaps, I shall feel able to make a decision based on a non-clouded basis but for now I am staying

]angry]

This is way adulterers get so much vitriol directed towards them. Just reading this made my blood boil and I've never been cheated on.

YOU have made the decision to stay with your H. Your H gets absolutely no say in this at all, as you are lying to him, day after day for the past 8 years. That poor man.

Can you put yourself in the position of someone finding out their partner had lied to them for 8 years? That they will have to question, every single thing you ever said or did? Or are are you so narcissistic and selfish that you don't actually care enough to stop your behaviour, before you devastate several other peoples lives.

I really don't know how you sleep at night!

Do you realise that you are making your husband live a lie? The way he views his life, is not actually how his life is. The same goes for your children.
It's not just your lie - it's everyone's, but THEY don't get to choose.

You and your lover only meet 3 or 4 times a YEAR? Does he have sex with other women besides you and his wife? Would he tell you anyway?

It's not exactly what I'd call an affair - once every few months is just a shag now and then...nothing more. Is that really what you want in life? Why can't you build a better relationship with your husband? That, or leave him so that he might meet someone else.

Distance lends enchantment.

I don’t have a question OP but I think deep down you just know that it would be better to leave. You’re living a lie and no one benefits because eventually it will come out. These things always do. Don’t live a half life and make others do so too unknowingly.