Having a long term affair. AMA

[preparedfortheonslaught]

Almost 8 years in. We both love each other, and meet very occasionally. We both are in relationships that do not fulfil us but would never leave because of children. No one knows apart from us, and we are very careful not to do anything to jeopardise the others relationships by contacting each other apart from e-mails. I feel horrible about my partner, but am unwilling to stop seeing my lover. Ask me anything you like.

If you’re unhappy in your marriage I think it’s only fair to yourself, and others to address it. I don’t think this distraction will help you in the long term. If you feel bad, surely your mental health will suffer. That’s aside from what I feel about the hurt you must be causing your partner. Not really sure why I’m biting with this though, to be honest. I think this forum may possibly be the worst place to try to explore your feelings about this.

“when you fall in love with someone you shouldn't, you leave your baby behind or try and make it work at home in a sexless marriage”.

Falling in love could easily have been avoided. You just don’t start the affair.

Why would you have to leave your DC?

You could easily end your marriage at any time.

Your behaviour is harming your H, and your DC.

That's a big decision to make for another person (your husband). I have a more liberal view about affairs than (probably) most on MN too. Is there more about your husband that you are not telling? I think the MN view of the 'innocent party' is that they are entirely that. I think in RL it is more complicated and out of guilt the 'guilty party' put's up with things they other wise would not.

Not a popular view I know.

Well it depends on who the primary carer is usually. Or you could share care?

Do you think it's worth it? All the guilt and unhappiness for most of the year for 4 days of fun?

Not saying this in an arsey way I'm curious that majority of year you're raked with guilt and aren't where you want to be.

It’s not assumed on MN that anyone will retain the family home - anyway, the law decides. The reasons for a break up don’t determine the financial settlement.

You’re making excuses for your actions.

OP I really feel for you. You are in such a common situation- no longer in love with your OH but not wanting to leave for the sake of your DC. If only we could all live happily ever after after marrying!

Having said that I do wonder if your DC found out, they would much rather you had been upfront about ending the relationship the 'right way'?

Obviously it is awful for your partner (which you acknowledge) but life is short and joy is precious- hence why affairs are so common I guess

I'm still interested to know how often you lie and how likely you think it is you will be found out?

You never leave your baby behind ffs you take them, make contact arrangements and dont waste your live ruining it for everyone involved.

I am the one committing adultury, why should my husband be the one to leave our home and family behind?

That's the most pitiful excuse to keep doing what you are.

Which one will you miss most, when it all goes tits up?
Pre-emp being found out (because it will happen) and do something about it while it’s still your decision. You risk losing everything and you are not happy as it is.

OP, I think you sound like a decent person caught in an unenviable situation of your own making.

Can I ask — how do you manage to meet, when you do? Where are you both supposed to be? Doesn’t it put a huge amount of strain and expectation on these occasions because they’re so rare? Was there ever a time when you seriously considered leaving your spouses for one another?

@preparedfortheonslaught where do you tell your husband you are when you see this man? and where do you meet? is it a few days away or purely sex then home?

You still haven’t explained why you are not giving your H the opportunity to make informed decisions about his life.

Presumably it’s primarily because you don’t want the financial difficulties divorce entails.

How would you feel if you found out your husband was also having an affair? Would you feel relieved?

Do you love them both?
Do you feel jealous of your lover’s life with his real family? I would.
Do you feel jealous that he makes love to his wife?
Asking because I would, I’m not criticising despite having had a cheating partner.

knickerbocker no she said she’s be upset but ‘could forgive’. Relieved would be a much more generous emotion. It would show she cares about her husband and wanted him to be doing things that made him happy, because she chooses to not commit to him. Upset is I want to have my cake and eat it too and who gives a damn about other people’s feelings, especially that man I married and had children with.

Thanks timeisnot. 8years though?! Imagine the heartbreak and damage this will cause when it comes out or are you planning on taking this to the grave? How long do u expect this to go on for? Do u think u will leave husband when children are more grown up!? How does he not know?! So many questions!

If you continue to be discreet and only meet occasionally, it doesn't seem too terrible to me. You're only human and having a secret lover gives you something to look forward to.

Do you feel a bit silly for believing that meeting someone 3/4 times a year, over an 8 year period is real love?

Rebecca36 Fri 20-Jul-18 22:57:25
If you continue to be discreet and only meet occasionally, it doesn't seem too terrible to me. You're only human and having a secret lover gives you something to look forward to.

And what has her husband got to look forward to? Being dumped once the children are old enough?

Unlike the other thread by a former OW, I think this one is about an unhappy and vulnerable person who, on some level, is seeking the kicking she feels she deserves.

I would go easy. It's never 'right' to have an affair, but humans are complex and frail, and sex is bound up in so many things that are so integral to us. We are not creatures of pure reason.

No question. I just feel sorry for you. You're so deep into this deluded set-up that you present it as some kind of ill-fated romance. It isn't romantic, it's seedy and so sad.

How much contact are you in, say weekly and daily ? Do you share intimate details of your life? Do you tell each other that you love each other? How do you see the future unfolding ?

What is missing in your marriage that this other man is fulfilling for you?

So many questions left unanswered.