Drink & visiting

I just can’t understand how your son thinks it’s acceptable for his family to eat a meal and offer you nothing.

yet when they done to you they are fed!!!

it’s so rude. I think I’d say you don’t feel like visiting them any more as you are not made welcome and tgst all the travel is down to them

This is just so incredibly bizarre, and OP you are being I think deliberately evasive. So let’s say you arrive at 3pm. No one offers you a cup or tea or coffee. If you ask for a drink a chil is told to get you a bottle of water.

then it’s meal time and you are still there. I assume they haven’t invited you for a meal. The family sits down - adults and children? - and eats while you sit silently in another room? There is no place laid for you?

Or do they feed the kids earlier, adults don’t eat? They eat after you leave for your hotel?

And when you said to your son I drive a long way and I am not given food or a drink, he just ignored his poor manners?

like others I think you are very unwelcome in this house. It sounds incredibly awkward.

I would stop visiting the house. I understand you want to see the children so send your son this message -

After our last chat I have decided I need to change how I visit the children, it is clearly not working. My suggestion is I still come down and stay in a hotel, but I don’t visit your house. Instead we meet in a cafe, then go to a park or a museums. Something the children will enjoy. I love seeing you all, so I want to make this work. Does that suit you and Susie?

So you do ask for a drink of water, and that is provided. Have you ever outright asked for a plate of food when they are all eating? Or perhaps said sarkily, "are you not intending to feed me as well?" Or do you just sit there seething in silence hoping someone will offer you something. I agree that it's absolutely ridiculous and terribly bad mannered that they're not doing this without prompting, but what is keeping you from calling them out on it as it's happening? What do you think would happen that's bad/scary were you to do this?

If you don’t want to rock the boat despite there clearly being an issue then carry on being hurt and upset but I’d personally speak to your son and just bluntly ask what the problem is? Or only feed the grandchildren when they come to you and ignore your son and dil and when they say something say oh I didn’t want to offend you so I am treating you exactly as you treat me when I come to your house! Until they experience that they won’t understand how it feels.

I am in a similar situation with my son when I visit him, his wife (my lovely daughter in law) and my little grandson. We are a 50 minute drive away, before the baby they would always come here and I would do lunch/dinner depending on when they were here. When their baby arrived in the spring obviously the dynamic changed so I would go up and visit. Despite saying I am always welcome it doesn't feel that way when after one visit they both made themselves a sandwich, walked into the sitting room eating it but didn't offer me or my 2 other boys who were with me, anything. We had been there a couple of hours by then, it was about 1.30 so I took it as our cue to leave! I will admit I was pretty upset. I have since learned to time my visits outside meal times, so eat a quick early lunch and then set off. However it makes longer visits tricky as you know you aren't going to get anything (I do ask to put the kettle on though!) I don't know what the answer is, I don't want any arguments as I want to keep seeing my little grandson, but I do know how you feel and its not something I could ever consider doing.

I think you have to say "I'm parched after the drive. Is it OK if I make myself a tea/coffee and does anyone else want one?" It's rude of them not to offer but maybe they don't have hot drinks and just help themselves when they want something? Speak to your son about not offering you food, before your next visit.

Absolutely bizarre behaviour. I’d probably avoid mealtimes.

Please can you clarify; you’re there at their house at a meal time. They’ll cook and then sit down to eat as a family, but not invite you to join? So you just sit to one side watching them eat? Is this correct?

That the timing is mutually agreed and the family is sitting down to a meal during that visit, I would most definitely make it known that I expect to be seated at the table and given a plate of food. And since this isn't what's happening, you really have only a few options:

1. don't agree to mealtime visits unless they explicitly say that you will be fed during that visit
2. you speak out forcefully (not obliquely hinting) that you are expecting to join them in the meal, perhaps rising to take a seat at the table even if that means you've displaced someone else
3. you continue sitting on your own watching them eat during your visit while you remain hungry and thirsty
4. you don't visit them at all any more

Is there a reason why you've been putting up with this ridiculous situation for so long? Are you fearful that they will stop allowing you to visit the GC if you do options 1 or 2?

Well then they can't offer you a hot drink if they don't have them! Take your own teabags or coffee sachet and a small carton of milk and then I would just say I am just making myself a hot drink. That now doesn't sound that unreasonable.

Is there a backstory that we are missing though?

Do you think they actually want you to visit? You say the dates are mutually agreed but do you suggest the visit or them?

If they ate in front of me without acknowledging me, I would leave and tell them why. It’s insanely rude and you shouldn’t tolerate it. Tell them you won’t be visiting again, but that they will always be welcome to come and visit you instead. I appreciate that you are worried about having less contact with your grandchildren, but try to engineer this in your home as much as you can. It’s entirely possible to have a close loving relationship with grandchildren, whilst seeing them less frequently than monthly.

They don’t want you there. You might think that your visits are agreed in advance but you certainly aren’t welcomed.

Presumably you are able to talk to your son? tell him he's rude.
And the blame on your dil is - meh. stop that.

Again OP why won’t you directly answer the questions?Do the four of them sit down at the table and eat while you are there?

They don’t drink tea or coffee or keep it in the house. But they do eat.

do they invite you for a specific time? Is that time close to meal time.

for example - your son says - mum would love to see you.

You ask when would suit for a visit and I’ll book a hotel.

He says how about next weekend.

You say okay, I’ll drive up and be at yours for 1pm. This is when you say -

what will we do for lunch - would the kids eat pizza if I order us in some food? I will be starving after the drive but I don’t want to put you out. Or should I eat lunch at the hotel and then call in for a visit? I can also get room service for my dinner if you and Susie have dinner plans.

I just don’t understand why you are being so passive about this

So do they expect you to leave at mealtimes & eat elsewhere/at the hotel?

This is astonishing for me. I’m from a culture where we offer to feed anybody, any time they enter our house.

This is so unbelievably rude that it verges on hostile in my book.

I just don’t understand why you are being so passive about this

It is odd, but also it shouldn't be so difficult.

Generally if someone is visiting & will be in your home at a mealtime you feed them!

Since they don't feed Op I guess they want her to eat elsewhere.

Then why do you ask them to put the kettle
on?

I am shocked they could be so blatantly rude. As soon a visitor walks through the door, my kettle goes on. They should be ashamed of themselves, especially your son treating his mum like that.
Could you take small containers of tea/coffee/sugar and a small carton of milk with you. Then you only need to say “is it ok if I pop the kettle on to make a cuppa?” Alternatively take a flask of tea/coffee and a cup.
I can recommend the Thermos food flask to keep food hot - maybe you should take a flask of soup and sandwiches with you too! Maybe they will see how utterly rude they are. Certainly don’t be buying anymore takeaways or paying for dinner!
What happens if anyone else pops in to visit when you are there - do they get offered anything?

I would just ask for a drink. I’m sorry but do you mind me making a drink? I’m thirsty. Bring cake around and say I fancy a slice of cake now.

They sound awful and ignorant.

Take your own food and drink to eat in their house or make sure you eat before visiting.

If this is simply ignorance, then OP has only herself (and her husband) to blame in relation to her son.

Basic hosting skills and manners are usually taught from a young age. If her son is indeed ignorant of these basic social norms then it’s not to late for OP to outline how he should behave when visitors arrive.

Given OP refuses to answer some basic questions about what time she is invited and what actually happens when they exclude her from meals, I suspect there are some etiquette failures on both sides