Drink & visiting

Well, they’re not the ones making the guest beds, running around the supermarket, and slaving over a hot stove, in fairness, so ‘hosting’ is probably more symbolic than actual.

Tbf the Op is just one adult who doesn't stay over so there probably wouldn't that much effort required on her son's/dil's part.

It's obviously too much for them though.

Your son and his wife need to be thoroughly ashamed of themselves, OP

They are either
a) trying to tell you they don’t want you visiting.
or
b) extremely rude. And you reared him OP.
Zero social skills my ar*e (as Jim Royale would say). They are just rude.
I would be so sad if one of my children treated me like this.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with your son first, rather than allowing resentment to build up. You are making a considerable effort to maintain a relationship with your grandchildren, travelling over 100 miles and paying for a hotel so that you don't disrupt their household. That's a lot of effort and shows how much you care.
I don't think you're expecting to be waited on or treated as a guest of honour, but offering someone a cup of tea or asking if they'd like something to eat, particularly after a long drive, is just basic courtesy and consideration.
Perhaps your DIL genuinely doesn't realise how unwelcome this makes you feel, but equally, you shouldn't have to feel awkward about asking for a drink in a home where your grandchildren live.
I'd speak calmly to your son and explain how you feel, without making it an attack on his wife. You deserve to feel welcome and comfortable when spending time with your grandchildren.

Someone else making it about the DIL. Why isn't speaking to the son about how unwelcome he makes his mum feel by not offering her food or drink? He is present too when his mum visits, is he incapable of hosting because he is male?

So, why, while you are there, do you not say to your son ‘I am thirsty, may I have a drink, please?’

Your SON is very rude.

Have you spoken to your son about his behaviour?

Neither are the OPs DIL & DS, she doesn’t stay there and often brings food, so she’s the I’ve shopping and slaving over a hot stove!

This is nuts and so rude. How old are they?

Sounds weird to me, even though I know all families are different. I would suggest taking something really nice (think Fortnum & Masons, or Harrods etc) but only enough for you...and when they start eating get it out and eat it in front of them, commenting frequently just how good it is. 😉

It sounds so rude I wonder is there another explanation?

When I serve some family meals, I put dishes on the island and tell everyone it’s self service. For some reason my dad sits and still expects to be served. I have to explain several times to him that I’m not serving him at the table, he needs to grab a plate and dig in. He gets a bit annoyed but usually eventually gets the message: sometimes my mum will serve him, but sometimes she tells him he has two arms!

He is perfectly fit and healthy, he’s just a bit sexist. I am stubborn and won’t give in. He mutters about me being all feminist😂. It’s tiresome.

When asked when your next visit is all you have to say is when you include me in family meals and make me a hot drink on my arrival at your home.

Are you actually invited or do you just tell them you are coming and turn up?

Rude and ignorant, such an awful situation for you, I would be tempted to stop visiting but then of course you need to mantain a relationship with ypur Gc

You sound unwelcome

You say your family have always been involved with each other etc and her family are different but you seem to assume your way is the right way.
.
It sounds like they don't want you there stop going, wait to be invited.

It sounds like they want her to stop visiting. So if she did they'd likely be delighted b

Are you sure they actually want you to visit? Maybe talk to your son about whether your visits are too much and what arrangement would be better. Maybe there is somewhere half way between you both you could meet at for a day out instead.

Your son can’t possibly have missed that they all sit down to eat and you are left out. It’s extremely poor of them both.

I am baffled as to how both of them are not mortified at their attitude/behaviour towards you. It's one thing to be scatty and forget to be hospitable momentarily if busy with something else, it's another thing entirely to completely blank you, not respond, and not be slightest bit bothered that they have no manners at all.

So there are (to me) two reasons for this -

One - there is a backstory. Only OP knows if there is, and if that is the reason.

Two (this is what I think), they have extra needs, both of them, whether that is full on neurodiversity or something else, their lack of social awareness is down to some brain issue.

How are the grandchildren?

It is difficult to give advice, since no one knows whether it's ND, a backstory, Mum's the issue, DIL/Son is the issue or what.

Whatever it is, it makes for a very uncomfortable and unwelcoming visit, and I can see why OP is very sad and baffled, but we don't know the full story. There has to be one, even if it is just thoughtlessness. I suspect it's more than that.

I'm struggling to get a clear understanding of the extent to which this is occurring - has this scenario actually happened: the whole family (except you) sit down together and share a meal and completely ignore you the entire time. They never offer you anything, including to say 'help yourself' or words to that effect.

When you spoke to your son about it, he didn't seem to think it was a problem. Presumably you raised him 'normally'.

This is how some people seem to be interpreting your posts, and you have not corrected them. Given how utterly bizarre this scenario is, it would be good to understand whether that is what is actually happening - or whether it's a bit less than that.

I can’t recall my Dil ever offering me a drink. Son always cooks so if we eat it’s prepared by him. I would ask him for a cup of tea or water.

This is what I’d like to know too!

Sounds awful. Im Irish myself and honestly you even offer workmen a cuppa and a sambo or biscuit here or at least that is how I was raised and raising mine.