Drink & visiting

Just grow a pair and ask for a cup of tea and a sandwich or something. They’re hardly going to go NC if you do that. This is your son and his partner, not the king and queen.

Yes I agree. If she doesn’t make something just ask if you can get yourself a cuppa. Jeez this woman married your son and produced your grandchildren! Even if she’s a bit buttoned up she’s presumably not some kind of ogre.

That is so rude it’s bizarre. And your son is completely aware and agrees with it, that must hurt. It certainly made me feel sad for you.

I can see why you don’t want to push the subject. People that weird might not hesitate at cutting you off from your GC. But I would stop taking food to share with them. I think I would say I was popping out for a while and either go out to eat or drive somewhere and tuck into a hoard I brought with me in a cool box.

i mention to him last week, he has never offered made me a drink, he didn't respond.

So see if he makes more effort next time.

Why on earth don’t you ask your son to make you a cup of tea?!

Sorry this is a DS problem.
She has probably said it's fine for you to visit but expects her partner, your son, to actually step up and host his own mum.
I admire her as we so often see women picking up everything. Perhaps she is waiting for her partner to acknowledge that he hasn't thought that you might like some food when there, or for him to offer to cook.

This is basic hosting though.

As soon as anyone arrives at my house, I offer them a drink and a biscuit, this extends from tradespeople to family!

In your shoes, I'd be inclined to put the kettle on yourself and say "I need a tea so I put the kettle on. Anyone else? Yes? Great, you get the mugs and tea bags, I'll get the milk"....

You really shouldn't have to donit yourself but it sounds like they need some guidance on this.

When grandparents visit us, I always make sure there is enough dinner for them too. Sometimes they stay and join us to eat, sometimes they don't (which just means we might have leftovers to freeze).

What happens if you ask for a drink or a seat at the table or a helping of whatever they're eating? Do they actively refuse you or just not invite you in the first place? If you have asked them while they are eating if you might join them and they've refused, I would have at that point said how rude they were being. It sort of sounds like you're just sitting there suffering and waiting/hoping for them to notice that you've nothing to eat or drink. Asking if you should put a kettle on isn't the same as outright asking them if they are intentionally and actively excluding you from their meal.

I’d also help myself to a drink/food at a close family members house. I’d be more than happy for them to do the same at my house.

for example, my mum and sister wouldn’t take twice of making a cup of tea and helping themselves to a biscuit at my house. But if they were putting the kettle on they offer me one. If I was making myself a tea and my family were in my house I’d offer them one?!

same if I was cooking - anyone that was in the house at the time would be offered - and that’s in addition to helping themselves if they’re hungry between meals.

i can’t imagine my mum or MIL visiting and me making myself a cup of tea, or making a meal for me DH and DC and not offering anyone else who was there.

its bizarre and rude!!

My BIL and SIL are like this, I’ve posted about it before. We live a 6hr flight away from them, went to stay for two nights as we were going to be going somewhere a five hour drive away from them and switched our airport to see them and their DC first - basically they were out of our way and we made an effort.

We weren’t offered as much as a glass of water, let alone tea or coffee or an actual meal. We stayed with them but there were no sheets or towels ready for us - we had to ask. Reason given was “oh cleaning lady comes once every six weeks”. That’s it. The whole “and you’re not capable of making up a bed?” question just hung awkwardly in the air (awkward to us only probably!).

I concluded that they just don’t know how to host or how to keep a house. They barely eat. Their nannies cook a week’s worth of food for their DC and leave it in the fridge. The parents just drink smoothies, eat takeout, pick at the DCs’ leftovers etc. We went out for meals every day and that was basically it. They were great company, lots of outings planned and board games played etc. They just don’t think about food or homes or creature comforts. In their case I think they think it’s a waste of time: food is fuel, sleep is fuel, clean clothes are a necessary evil which will be outsourced as much as possible etc etc. They both come from a culture where mamas over feed and generous hospitality is a love language and I think they both deliberately want the opposite of that for their home life. It’s so weird.

So bloody weird.

But did they invite you?

Indeed and, assuming 76 is the birth year - the person is 52. So not some old granny. Very odd.

Yes they did!! They knew we were going to be in their part of the world and INSISTED we visit them! They have small children, our DCs’ cousins, and they live far from the whole of the rest of the family. They were so happy that their DCs would get to meet cousins on their home turf, that they could show off the house they’d just had built, show us around their life etc. And honestly they had a whole itinerary planned, things our very differently aged DCs could do. On that front they couldn’t have done more. It’s just the food and drink and general hosting thing. It was so bloody weird.

Yes but I never mentioned the food so not sure why you’re telling me that’s rude, I agree it is and never said it wasn’t

But whats with the op hinting at the son to put the kettle on. You want the kettle on, put it on make yourself a hot drink, that was my point

What happens if you ask for a drink or a seat at the table or a helping of whatever they're eating?

I'm wondering this also!

Your son and DIL are completely out of order.

But if this is the only way that you get to see your grandchildren, I guess you have to suck it up.

I'm really sorry they are behaving in such a rude and inconsiderate manner.

Back in the late nineties, when my wife and I were in our early forties, my dad, mum and sister (who never left home) moved two hundred and forty miles away (they previously lived ten miles away). My dad drove, but my sister and mum didn't and he was in his seventies, so I used to drive up there a couple of times a year. It was usually around a six hour journey and my sister never used to offer a cup of tea or food. When my mum passed away, we used to get takeaways. Both my sister and dad had zero social skills.

I would probably think that your DIL would leave it up to her husband as he is your son. It might just be the way they are.

Were you invited or do you just turn up.

I think some people get anxious or awkward about hosting, feeling pressure to live up to certain standards etc. So they avoid the issue entirely by doing nothing. Can’t make a crap dinner if you don’t make dinner at all.

The first (and only) time I went to my in laws for Christmas, I was there for a week (long flight) and the only meal served was Christmas lunch itself. They obviously ate discreetly at other times, but I was never offered anything - and it’s definitely not a “help yourself” kind of house. Grand displays of Christmas cake, mince pies etc., but again never shared around.

I think they’re just unable to live up to the hosting standards they set for themselves, and too proud/stubborn to permit guests to muck in, so they abdicate from it altogether.

Disgustingly rude of them. I wouldn’t bother visiting tbh. Spend the money you save on something nice for yourself

But you’re still hosting if there are visitors in your house — if you don’t feed them, you’re just doing a remarkably bad job of hosting. I mean, don’t invite people to stay or for dinner if you can’t cope with the unbearable pressure of cooking or even pointing people to the fridge and cupboards.

The K&Q probably know how to host.

Read post 2 & 5 of OPs posts.

Sorry to say this but it is quite obvious, you are not welcome, so I really wouldn't make the effort to drive all that way and pay for your own food and stay in a hotel. In a busy household the usual situation is you receive a drink on arrival, are told to make yourself at home, eat whatever is in the fridge, brew up when you like and share in the evening meal, regardless of whether it's fish fingers, steak or Macdonalds. When I used to stay with my daughter's busy hectic family, initially I slept on a blow up bed in the lounge, and later they bought me a z bed. I mucked in with the washing up, cooking and cleaning and helped bath their children and put them to bed. I travelled by train 250 miles and went every school holiday to help with the children. It only cost me my train fare and bits I bought for the children. Perhaps in future suggest to them that if they are feeling your monthly visits are too frequent you could reduce them to bi monthly or not go at all!