AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

But your step-niece presumably has a father and aunts and grandparents on that side of the family? So she has rather more opportunities for being given substantial presents than her step-siblings.

I think sometimes we have to accept that our birth families might not always embrace the family choices we make as much as we’d like them to. You had no say over your brothers family choices, and he really shouldn’t try to make you behave the way you don’t want to.

Sometimes we can’t control or dictate everything in our wider family.

Wheres SDs bio dad & family?

If your DB wants to provide financially for someone elses son thats on him, not you.

So if DSN was 10 when DN received the driving lessons, she won’t be aware of DB’s £1000 birthday gift expectation. UNLESS…DB has been saying to her every time the topic of driving comes up, “Not to worry—Auntie OnTheWater will be giving you £1000 for your 17th, which will be more than enough for your lessons.”

What's the betting that the brother's anger at his stepdaughter being treated different doesn't amount to him giving the OP £1800 back so that she'll have only spent £100 on each girl?

As a 10/11 year old just coming into the family at the time the nieces were turning 17 and getting driving lessons it may not even have registered with her. She clearly did not gave an expectation of lessons and was delighted and appreciative of the lovely presents she did get, its only her step-father that seems to expect his sister to fund these things

Wow so many people are so horrible on this thread. How many of the people who have said it’s fine what she’s done have grown up as stepkids? I can’t even be bothered to talk you all through how effed up and simply lacking in reality this biologically obsessed orientation is, but just know that how you treat children shapes their whole selves and lives. Eurgh.

But @blossomtoes that is the OP’s brother’s set of choices. He cannot impose it on her. @OnTheWatersEdge has had no say in her brother’s decisions but she’s expected to fall into line?

yes, of course it must be tough on the brother, and ideally his step-daughter would be accepted by his family, even though she’s not his DC by birth. But he made those choices - he can’t force his sister to simply obey his choices!

That would be the principled thing to do. In this house it would be under discussion.

Meh if he can’t bring it up with you say nothing, and tell your parents to stop passing on comments.

Their bio relatives can shell out 1k if they want. Why should you?**

Dramatic nonsense. I have step siblings, I never expected their mum to spend as much money on me as she did on them, she's not my mum! I haven't seen her for 10 years now, when my dad got divorced she never spoke to me again. Not surprising, we're not family after all. I still see my step siblings and our children love eachother but I would be pretty pissed off if my dad gave them a third of his estate when he died, they're not his children. They know that and so do I. No self esteem was destroyed by us knowing this it's just a fact.

I would say absolutely nothing to your brother and continue to treat your nieces. You got your brother’s step-child a lovely gift as well as cash and she appreciated it.

It seems strange that he would expect you to spend the same amount on his step-daughter, especially given the age-gap, etc.

50 for all of them quite enough. Keep it simple. Your brother can put it towards the driving lessons and pay the rest.

I think that you have given your step Niece a really generous present/amount of money

I had a step dad from the age of 10.
Zero expectations from me that his family would do anything of the kind for me.
I was my mum's responsibility solely.

I think it's lovely that you've built a relationship with her and spent over £100 on her birthday gifts that she appreciated.

However, your brother sounds like a cheeky, grabby fucker.

I think it's unreasonable expectations that set people up for disappointment. Did the step children's aunts give your nieces a birthday present? Your brother can expect but doesn't mean you have to do it.

I’d say £50 is very generous, step niece or not. I never had anything like that from any of my aunts and my brother and sister have never sent my step children even a card. I think your brother is being ridiculous, is his SD actually disappointed with what you gave her?

Imagine being that entitled holy shit 😲 though i see the entitled Mother brigade are out in full force again.
Don't bring it up @OnTheWatersEdge and laugh in his face if he has the audacity to bring it up with you.

Absolutely. This girl has a Mum & Dad, a step-dad, presumably extended families on both sides and maybe a step-mum - why should be there be an expectation that her step-dad’s sister would gift her a set of driving lessons?

OP spent £100 on her gifts - I’m sure not all her actual relatives spent as much or gave a gift at all.

Sorry if I've missed something but for me, I feel quite deeply about all children being treated the same in this sort of situations.

I probably would have vented to my parents too because I would be hurt whether my kids knew or not. It's something lots of people do it didn't need to be passed back to you. It is a reminder that as much as you wish for it, some family members just don't view children that you love, like you do.

It doesn't make me a bad person or a money grabber because it isn't about the amount or having to pay for something it's about the different treatment and he is allowed to be upset by it.

She isn't your niece though, her own parent's, aunty or uncle can buy her driving lessons, I wouldn't worry about it, your brother can't expect you to handover a grand to someone who isn't actually related to you! He's cheeky for thinking you should. You've got her a very generous thoughtful present, she sounds grateful. It sounds like your brother and his wife just expected you to fund her driving lessons and now they will have to instead so aren't happy, not your problem.

Where do you draw a line though ? I wonder if the extended family of the birthday girl’s mum give gifts and to a similar value to the OP’s nieces (especially given the large age gap) as they do to the birthday girl.

Also not every gift has to judged on the cost, the OP gave driving lessons to her nieces, six or seven years later she gives her brother’s step daughter a bottle of perfume she likes and £50 cash - a lovely and thoughtful gift for the 17 yo who is delighted and appreciated the gift.

she isn’t your niece though 🤷‍♀️ apart from marriage and will have other relatives who can treat her the same as you treat your nieces and nephews by birth. What happens if your brother gets divorced? You won’t see them again! I think personally you have a child a very decent generous present! Your brother shouldn’t have spoken to your parents about this and then them tell you! THAT is the off bit! They should have just told him you gave a very generous present to his step daughter and he should be grateful with what you gave! You aren’t an atm!!!

and he is allowed to be upset by it.

But is he allowed to guilt his sister for thinking differently? She is equally allowed to make her family the way she wants to.

Sounds like DB expected you to pay for SN driving lessons. Of course it’s reasonable to give a SN lesson than nieces.

Your step Nieces mum and dad are the ones who need to pay for her lessons or she gets a job like the rest of us did to pay for them!!!

your brother is annoyed as he thinks he will be now looked at to fork out for lessons!

the cost of driving lessons now compared to 6/7 years ago is more than triple so no way would £1000 go very far for lessons now either!