AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

Because it’s not about the actual amount. It’s about treating people differently

They are different.

But they're not the same, are they? Just as aunts and uncles aren't the same as parents, and cousins aren't the same as siblings. It's okay to have different degrees of feelings for people; it doesn't mean you suddenly hate the people to whom you're less close.

Realistically, how bothered is a 17 year-old girl about her stepfather's sister anyway? There are people here acting like this is a small child who has suddenly been snubbed by what she thought was a beloved favourite auntie. In reality, she probably thinks of OP as Steve's sister who was nice enough to give her some perfume she liked AND some cash.

OP has previously said that her nieces' step-mother's family don't buy her nieces anything so there is certainly no reciprocation from that side of the family. OP spent £100 on her brother's step-daughter (£50 worth of presents and £50 cash) for her 17th birthday (which isn't even a 'big' birthday) and her brother has the cheek to complain.

He obviously doesn't complain that his wife's family don't buy for his daughters. He either cares more about his step-daughters than his own daughters or he is doing this at the instigation of his wife.

I treat my cousin's children differently to my niece. They're all blood relatives, so there's no issue with a "step" relationship - I'm just closer to my niece than I am to them. I really don't think the OP has done anything wrong because she doesn't feel the same way about an unrelated child who she met aged 10 as she does about nieces she's known since birth.

OP has already confirmed that they don't. I don't think they buy OP's nieces anything whereas OP does buy gifts for her brother's step-children for birthdays and Christmas.

I am sorry you don't have relatives on both sides.

Is that the fault of this Aunt? She had nothing to do with these children joining the family - why do you then think she has an automatic responsibility to them?

Their mother and stepfather do - not her.

If you don't have relatives on both sides, do you expect other people who are not related to you to fund things for you?

I think I don't understand your argument.

Unfortunately this is the sort of thing that makes people stop giving.

Not for not wanting to, but it turning into an expectation.

They'd obviously budgeted with you in mind for the lessons instead of having saved from the time you paid for the two nieces.

I've learnt the hard way that when you give, it's then seen as your duty when it's actually a gift with no strings.

This will also make you wary of spending for your older nieces as you'd then have to match it for the younger ones.

I wouldn't say anything unless he brings it up. He'll know you know as your parents are sieves.

They'd obviously budgeted with you in mind for the lessons instead of having saved from the time you paid for the two nieces.

I'd love to know what the brother and SIL's relationship with her ex-husband is like. I wonder how much of this is down to the brother playing Bobby Big Bollocks, showing off that he can provide his stepdaughter's driving lessons, without mentioning he was expecting the money to come from his very generous sister.

Realistically, how bothered is a 17 year-old girl about her stepfather's sister anyway? There are people here acting like this is a small child who has suddenly been snubbed by what she thought was a beloved favourite auntie. In reality, she probably thinks of OP as Steve's sister who was nice enough to give her some perfume she liked AND some cash.

Very good point

I'm not sure anyone in a blended family can be treated equally on all sides. An adopted child, or a stepchild with no other family on the other side, absolutely treat equally because you are all they have. Regardless of whether the steps might not stay in your life forever, they are children first and foremost and deserve nothing less. Stepchildren with family on the other side are different though. Unless every adult is going to treat all the children of the blended family equally (and realistically how likely is that?) then all you can do is be welcoming, kind and generous so they feel valued and included, but it is then up to the adults to address any disparity and explain it because they have different people on different sides who can and do do different things for them. Surely it's not massively different to explaining why, for example, that cousins get different/more expensive presents?

I think it's reasonable to treat your Nieces slightly different to Step Niece as Step Niece will no doubt have blood relatives who will be buying for them too where as your actual blood Nieces only have one family buying for them if that makes sense.

Agreed, and so are the parents for passing this information on to the OP!

I have always been very much non bio children are some status as bio children - but this feels very different to me. We have twins ... we don't treat them exactly the same we access each situation and who needs what when. I think its perfectly reasonable that you paid for driving lessons for a reason when your nieces were older and that you are not paying for these for your step nieces when there has been such an age gap too. I think calling driving lessons a birthday present ... I am guessing you more just wanted them to have lessons and called them a present.

I think your brother is being grabby and doesn't want to put his hand in his own pocket. I would not mention it to him - when people feel embarrassed they end up behaving badly and then take it out on the innocent party.

They’re not the same. I don’t expect any of my family to treat my SDC the same.

SDC never expected it either.

Your parents behaviour telling you this is really poor.
I wouldn't be one bit impressed with them, and they would know it too.

Well no, even in a situation where a stepchild has no other family - as unfortunate as that is, that is not something you can make unrelated people responsible for providing.

I suppose the equivalent would be the step-niece’s mother’s sibling, and what they are buying the OP’s nieces (sorry, I’ve thought about this until my brain hurts so I think I’ve got that right!).

The biological dad’s family aren’t the step-uncles and aunties of the OP’s nieces, the biological mum’s family are.

Now I need a lie down.

Agree you can't make people do anything, I just think that is a circumstance in which I personally would choose to go down the 'treat the same' route as in my mind there's no reasonable reason not to, especially if it's young children. I don't think the same necessarily applies when there is other family involved. Just my personal opinion.

Your brother is cheeky but this distinction can't feel nice for the girl you've watched grow from a child to a young adult.

Yet, you are reading them.

She isn’t part of the family the same way & that’s just the way it is

The step children have been on holiday with their family before and my nieces didn’t get to go, quite rightly imo. If my brother had asked them to take his daughters, I would have thought he was very cheeky. As far as I know, my brother never asked them why they weren’t taking his daughters, so to us, it feels wrong that he was expecting us to do the same for his SD as we did for our nieces with the driving lessons.

This 100% @OnTheWatersEdge You've been very generous. Your nieces haven't gone on holidays with their step-siblings' family, and your brother doesn't seem bothered by that.

Your brother can't force you to make the same decisions as he has. (I do wonder about his wife's role in all this .. .)

The step children have been on holiday with their family before and my nieces didn’t get to go, quite rightly imo. If my brother had asked them to take his daughters, I would have thought he was very cheeky. As far as I know, my brother never asked them why they weren’t taking his daughters, so to us, it feels wrong that he was expecting us to do the same for his SD as we did for our nieces with the driving lessons.

Its the usual blended family nonsense. Lots of double standards. It would indeed have been very cheeky if your brother than expected your nieces to be included in a holiday for the step children and their family.

My step niece is as big a part of my family as my biological nieces are. This is despite her step dad and mum having split up years ago. We would not treat her any differently to the rest of our nieces and nephews. Her gifts have always been the same value as the other kids. She is and always will be family. I dont even like referring to her as step niece and rarely do. She is my niece end of.

However in the original posters case this girl clearly isn't part of the family in the same way in her eyes and I am in no doubt the girl and her family all now know it!