AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

Yeah, it wasn’t hard to skim and see yet more bullets and bold and certain words jumping out and know it was more of the same shite. Certainly didn’t need to be read.

Of course it's a huge disparity. She's not OPs niece. I don't imagine she thinks if her self as ops niece, and wouldn't expect such a gift

All we can deduce is that the step-niece is polite 😅

Maybe her stepfather could learn from her. As could some of the posters on this thread.

You don't have to read a post to realise it's the nth iteration of an AI copy and paste.

Maybe it's a skill due to my job.

It is a huge disparity, but so what? she doesn’t have to treat them the same, because they aren’t the same. There’s nothing wrong with you considering your step relatives no differently to blood family, but equally there’s nothing wrong with families that don’t.

His wife’s family don’t consider his daughters to be their family, either, and there’s no suggestion that he has a problem with this.

Imo it’s more likely he’s pissed off because now he and his wife have to pay for driving lessons.

I can’t imagine the step niece being the issue. Who on earth thinks they are entitled to £1000 of their step fathers sisters money?

All we can deduce is that the step-niece is polite 😅
the brother brought it up, maybe the step-niece mentioned it to him and he wanted to speak on her behalf. Or maybe she really didn’t care?

fact remains £50 v £1000 is a huge disparity so I wouldn’t be surprised if step-niece was upset but (of course) said thank you anyway because if she hadn’t it would have been highly rude!

The step‑niece wasn’t upset because she wanted £1000. She was upset because she saw a huge disparity between how the aunt values her and how she valued the other girls at the same age. This isn’t about entitlement. It’s about belonging.

But I doubt the step niece views the OP as her aunt - because she isn't!!! To the niece, she's her step Dad's sister, so probably a pleasant adult to have in her life, but unlikely to be viewed as a close relative. And as a pp has just suggested, we don't even know if the step niece was upset.

But where does all this end? Does the step niece's Grandma need to be invited for Christmas lunch? You're getting into the hairdresser's sister's yoga teacher's son territory.

For heaven's sake, it's not Boyhood. For all we know OP barely sees this girl a handful of times a year.

The step‑niece wasn’t upset because she wanted £1000. She was upset because she saw a huge disparity between how the aunt values her and how she valued the other girls at the same age. This isn’t about entitlement. It’s about belonging.

IS the stepniece upset though? Because all we know from OP's posts is that she thanked her, said she loved the perfume and was pleased to have the cash so she could get some new tops. You say "She was upset because..." as though this is fact, when you don't even know she WAS upset, let alone why.

My step niece is as big a part of my family as my biological nieces are. This is despite her step dad and mum having split up years ago. We would not treat her any differently to the rest of our nieces and nephews. Her gifts have always been the same value as the other kids. She is and always will be family. I dont even like referring to her as step niece and rarely do. She is my niece end of.

However in the original posters case this girl clearly isn't part of the family in the same way in her eyes and I am in no doubt the girl and her family all now know it!

The step children have been on holiday with their family before and my nieces didn’t get to go, quite rightly imo. If my brother had asked them to take his daughters, I would have thought he was very cheeky. As far as I know, my brother never asked them why they weren’t taking his daughters, so to us, it feels wrong that he was expecting us to do the same for his SD as we did for our nieces with the driving lessons.

Its the usual blended family nonsense. Lots of double standards. It would indeed have been very cheeky if your brother than expected your nieces to be included in a holiday for the step children and their family.

The step children have been on holiday with their family before and my nieces didn’t get to go, quite rightly imo. If my brother had asked them to take his daughters, I would have thought he was very cheeky. As far as I know, my brother never asked them why they weren’t taking his daughters, so to us, it feels wrong that he was expecting us to do the same for his SD as we did for our nieces with the driving lessons.

This 100% @OnTheWatersEdge You've been very generous. Your nieces haven't gone on holidays with their step-siblings' family, and your brother doesn't seem bothered by that.

Your brother can't force you to make the same decisions as he has. (I do wonder about his wife's role in all this .. .)

She isn’t part of the family the same way & that’s just the way it is

Yet, you are reading them.

Your brother is cheeky but this distinction can't feel nice for the girl you've watched grow from a child to a young adult.

Agree you can't make people do anything, I just think that is a circumstance in which I personally would choose to go down the 'treat the same' route as in my mind there's no reasonable reason not to, especially if it's young children. I don't think the same necessarily applies when there is other family involved. Just my personal opinion.

I suppose the equivalent would be the step-niece’s mother’s sibling, and what they are buying the OP’s nieces (sorry, I’ve thought about this until my brain hurts so I think I’ve got that right!).

The biological dad’s family aren’t the step-uncles and aunties of the OP’s nieces, the biological mum’s family are.

Now I need a lie down.

Well no, even in a situation where a stepchild has no other family - as unfortunate as that is, that is not something you can make unrelated people responsible for providing.

Your parents behaviour telling you this is really poor.
I wouldn't be one bit impressed with them, and they would know it too.

They’re not the same. I don’t expect any of my family to treat my SDC the same.

SDC never expected it either.

I have always been very much non bio children are some status as bio children - but this feels very different to me. We have twins ... we don't treat them exactly the same we access each situation and who needs what when. I think its perfectly reasonable that you paid for driving lessons for a reason when your nieces were older and that you are not paying for these for your step nieces when there has been such an age gap too. I think calling driving lessons a birthday present ... I am guessing you more just wanted them to have lessons and called them a present.

I think your brother is being grabby and doesn't want to put his hand in his own pocket. I would not mention it to him - when people feel embarrassed they end up behaving badly and then take it out on the innocent party.

Agreed, and so are the parents for passing this information on to the OP!

I think it's reasonable to treat your Nieces slightly different to Step Niece as Step Niece will no doubt have blood relatives who will be buying for them too where as your actual blood Nieces only have one family buying for them if that makes sense.

I'm not sure anyone in a blended family can be treated equally on all sides. An adopted child, or a stepchild with no other family on the other side, absolutely treat equally because you are all they have. Regardless of whether the steps might not stay in your life forever, they are children first and foremost and deserve nothing less. Stepchildren with family on the other side are different though. Unless every adult is going to treat all the children of the blended family equally (and realistically how likely is that?) then all you can do is be welcoming, kind and generous so they feel valued and included, but it is then up to the adults to address any disparity and explain it because they have different people on different sides who can and do do different things for them. Surely it's not massively different to explaining why, for example, that cousins get different/more expensive presents?