Throwing my 16 year old out?

Some of the comments on here are disgusting. I would do this and that, and no wonder with a parent like you, no wonder he's on drugs, this is a mother crying out for help and is clearly upset and she gets this!

This could absolutely happen to any family (even the perfect ones in these comments) you can't force someone to go to rehab or to stop taking drugs. If godforbid anything happened to one of her younger children, you would be all on here saying if he was mine he would have been out.

OP I was an addict, nothing would have stopped me, until I wanted to stop myself, I can recommend we are with you if you have one local, ive been clean 6 years now and still have regular appointments, but they will also be able to support you too. Please ignore all ignorant posters on here, bless them they have no clue and before they go on they should think that maybe it could actually be them one day.

@MumSkull83

For Christ's Sake don't do that.!

Haven't you been a teenager like that and done stupid crazy things too..

Explore do a bit of research on the right beneficial support agencies , charties organisations for him
online and locally and elsewhere

If you kick him out whithout apprroiprate support network , it could definitely have the potential of doing irreparable damage long term to your relationship,

If you kicked him out ?

Who and where could he live safely then?

as he is only a child and vunerable even though he proberly thinks he is grown up, he is obviously not and at that emotionally extremely difficult transitional phrase of life in between growing up and not quite an adult yet,

Teenage boys and girls can be nightmares but it's only for a few or several years they are like this ,
teenage boys can be just as vunerable to abuse just as teenager girls can be in the big outside world

I am really concerned 😟

Make sure that you connect him to a reasonably good charity or charties that will support him, and possibly you ? with his issues, he is struggling with currently..

They are out there, just need to put the effort in

Where i live it's the Wallich charity in Wales that is umbrella charties supporting several issues substance drugs abuse and alchol abuse money and unsuitable housing issues ..

Anything like this or something else locally or elsewhere you can tap into for support then?

We Are With You are a good service. They have family support workers who will help you too.
Some posters on this thread have been disgraceful. It’s a terrible, scary and heartbreaking situation to find yourself in as a family and this thread shows the stigma it carries. Very few people know what we have been through - start accessing services for yourself, and don’t rule out anything.

i ment to say just need to put the effort in to explore

I am random stranger and even i am concerned,
I think the general census is get as much enough support as possible.

@MumSkull83

Have you got good close family relatives he can turn too?

aswell,
for extra support in any ways ect

Teens do drugs....it's a thing. Not to do with parenting. My mum used to lecture me extensively on the danger of drugs...iy made me want to try them MORE...which I did.
Hate them now. Learned the hard way.

It*

I'd say bear with him til he's 18 and keep offering support. It will sound heartless. But the fact of the matter is, you can't help him if he doesn't want to be helped.

My dad is a (currently sober) drug addict and through all his addiction his parents have supported and pandared to him. Countless expensive rehabs, clinics, programmes and yet nothing worked because he's always had them to fall back on. However, other people he met in rehab went on to recover as they had hit a rock bottom and had no one supporting.

Good luck, must be difficult to watch feeling helpless.

Oh FFS!

RTFT

I think that you can support while showing love, but also being detached. what lots of posters really don’t get is that a person (teen or otherwise) needs to feel there is a problem before they start to engage with any services. My DS did not feel he had a problem. in fact he felt I had a problem as I “didn’t understand”. But understanding is quite difficult.

also actually the issue doesn’t seem to be addiction. for all those going on about County Lines, 16 is starting to be a bit old.

so what should OP do? let him stay with GF for a few days at least and then maybe he will want to talk?

Also to get some support for herself- that is vital. I had CBT- it helped me to reframe my attitude. But really there isn’t a lot of help out there and that’s why it’s so difficult. If she can get him to engage with change grow live that would be a start.

also talk to GFs parents, try to get a united front and support. for me it was important that my DS could talk to someone who wasn’t me. Good Luck OP

Don’t give up. It will add fuel to the fire & leave him feeling awful in the end. He’ll probably use being kicked out of home as another reason to take drugs.

Many people have been in your shoes. I begged and begged for help for my ds & eventually got it. Things got a lot worse before they got better. Try drug helplines like Talk to Frank etc, they give honest advice. I really wish you & your ds well.

This!

@Mylovelycow

What does RTFT means ?
Just curious 🤔

@MorningSunshineSparkles

"No wonder he takes drugs with a parent like that"

OP, feel free to ignore this idiot.

@GramCracker err yes…. I love these useful posts

This is so ridiculous. If you have nothing nice or productive to say why comment? Giving children strong boundaries will never stop them trying drugs with their mates. That’s what a huge proportion of teens have done for decades and will continue to do, like it or not.

There, but for the grace of god, go any of our kids!

Yes, YABU. Be a parent. Take care of your child.

@Fleetheart you touched on the crux of the matter, that who exactly has the problem?

I'd say your child was correct on that you had the problem; they liked their drug use and you didn't. It really is important to acknowledge this so that progress can begin. Own your problem and share your feelings truthfully.

I told my son what I knew about drugs ie. looking like shit, feeling out of control, broken relationships and in so many cases, dying young. It helped that I worked alongside people in recovery and regularly dealt with deaths of young people who'd long been estranged from their families.

It's important to be respectful of their feelings as they're at an age where they're very up and down, and inclined to feel bad about themselves. More than ever they need to know they are loved.

The more you keep talking & listening, the more they will value your relationship and want to preserve it. That's what got us through. I told him I'd stick with him no matter what and I'd acknowledge every positive behaviour.

He was offered rehab, therapy, all sorts. Refused all though he obliged me by trailing along to appointments because he wanted me to feel heard. It's all I could do.

The therapy he did agree to was designed for teenage boys; he insisted I go too which I wasn't crazy about but it was actually very healing for our bond.

Gradually he reduced his drug use and became calmer and more reasonable. He started looking better and showing more interest in fitness and friends. I took him out of school because it was the wrong environment for him and he enrolled in a private college with fantastic pastoral care.
Since then, he's progressed enormously. Drug use non existent, sleep and eats well, keeps v fit, studies hard and is fun to be around. And this too can be your boy.

I don't feel comfortable sharing too much my experience of a close family member with a drug addiction but wanted to come on and add my voice to those saying that you shouldn't feel bad to ignore and not engage with a great deal of posters asking you silly, unhelpful questions that you have mostly already answered. They clearly have no idea of the reality of living with somebody who becomes addicted to drugs.

My family member began young (14, county lines etc) and in their opinion it has ruined their life. In 30s now and still severely affected by it. It's devastating to love somebody in that situation.

The only advice I can offer is that drugs often are filling some kind of void. Kids who are more vulnerable to being exploited via county lines are ones who don't have the love and support they need to "make it" in the education system, etc. Of course this may not be the case with you, even kids with a lot of love and support can get sucked into drug abuse. Although you can try to influence them if he trusts you and values your opinion, you don't have power over his decisions.

You can only control your response, and you are clearly doing the best thing you feel you can under the circumstances. If sounds ok to me to say, "I love you and really want you to come home, but only when you have no drugs on you because I have to look after your siblings. They love you too and it could hurt them to see you like that", etc.

Perhaps you can try to identify whatever void he is likely filling with the drugs (love, boredom, low self esteem, academic anxiety, whatever it is) and work to adapt your parenting to try and counter that. If he won't go to counselling, you could go yourself. You could talk through your parenting of this situation with a professional, and work on being the absolute best parent you can be to your son. I know you are already doing this but it's so hard, getting some support for yourself and being open to anything you could potentially do differently could help.

Finally, in our situation, my mother & father going through a divorce (mainly amicable) and not working as a strong team with the right messaging definitely influenced how bad things got and how it has ended up shaping and limiting their entire life irrevocably.

Good luck xx

Why Oh FFS? I think @Catza has made a valid point. The OP is in an incredibly difficult situation and honestly I do not have any advice to give. But you can not just shout down any poster that points out the OP's son is still a vulnerable child. Because he is and I would argue his girlfriends house is probably not a safe and stable place for him to be.

Quite!