Throwing my 16 year old out?

Excellent post @MaisyAndTallulah

Just wanted to echo this
I can't believe the responses from some people here. You are posting looking for help, you've tried everything, you're at your wits end, and most importantly, you have other kids to think about
Ignore those coming from a place of ignorance, get strength and hope from those who understand
Good luck to you all

All this infantilising of a 16 year old is a bit cringey to me. Back in my day lots of people left school and could join the army or move out then. He knows what he’s doing and he is old enough to make his own decisions. What is OP meant to do? Modern social services won’t do a thing any time soon because they are woefully underfunded and mental health support is basically zero now

The posts on this thread are really lacking in empathy. Don't pay them much here, OP, most people will never have lived this. Sorry you've encountered a lynch mob.

I don't think people appreciate how difficult it is to access support from social care and MH services, who frankly don't do much at all until the situation is at severe crisis. And SS's definition of crisis is typically if there is a risk of significant harm to self or others. I work in mental health services. It's incredibly difficult to access meaningful support. Drug support is also a specialised service. The moment drugs/alcohol are involved mental health services sadly don't do all that much with you, and usually you have to be willing to engage in support around drugs. At 16 the mental capacity act unfortunately also applies. Rehab is nigh on impossible to access unless you're paying privately. The mental health act can't just be applied for substance misuse.

Also, think about how you would feel if you had two young children around drugs. Safeguarding a 16 year old is important, but a small child potentially being able to access drugs is far more dangerous. You can't watch children all the time. Kids go in each others room and take stuff. It's valid to not want drugs in your house around younger children. Kicking out a 16 year old obviously isn't a solution, but OP said they're in touch and that son is 'safe' at someone's house. It's not like OP has had much success, so this child will likely be doing drugs wherever.

I don't have much advice for you, OP. You could try and ramp it up with social care. Say you are seriously concerned about your younger children being able to access drugs. Also state that you can't cope anymore and you are at breaking point. Tell them you can't deal with son anymore being at home without support in place.

Another option potentially could be to take son to A&E the next time he's done drugs. They might keep him and detox him in A&E. He's also a minor so they will be mandated to raise a safeguarding. The more professionals who press it the better.

Does not matter if PP has dealt with teenage addict. Op decided to ask on mumset.

The teenage addict is only 16 and got into this habit at 14. How can you abandon your child after 2 years of problems?

Just because one child left drugs after being kicked out from home does not mean it will work for everyone.

Op's answers are very telling of her attitude - she cant be with him 24/7 was the response to how he got into drugs.

Well, a 14 year old dont get into drugs if they have emotional love in their lives. Nowhere Op showed worries for future of this child, nor she has asked for any advice to help him overcome this habit from those who dealt woth similar situtions. All she is talking about - she tried everything from soft to hard approach and her younger children. If the second child gets into bad habits too, then will she leave him too for the youngest child.

Every child is equally important, and birth order puts the oldest child in disadvantaged situation with every additional child in family when it comes to emotional love from parents and expectations of maturity. No wonder he thinks he is an adult. So he is not all that danger OP potrays him to he sounds like an emotionally neglected child.

Op, who else lives in girlsfriend's house? Does girlfriend also takes drugs? Are their younger kids there?

Your post is lacking in empathy for the oldest child.

To everyone on this thread worried about their child's drug use, feel free to PM me. I've been through this and am out the other side with a now healthy 16yo who is going very well in his studies. Don't lose hope, it is quite possible to get through this.

There have been some appalling posts on this thread.

If he is arrested or ends up in A&E he will probably be signposted to the young people's provision of the local drug service, but you can't force someone to engage with a service if they simply don't want to.

I do hope things improve for you. There are so many young people involved with illicit substances and it doesn't automatically mean that it's their parents ' fault.

@MumSkull83 has he ever told you why? To fit in, enjoys the feeling, to numb something or other, to fill a void, is he addicted now?

Different motivations will need slightly different approaches. Does he still go to school? Are they aware?

I'd try counselling /therapy again(maybe make it a condition of him returning home) , with a different therapist , preferably one experienced in addiction issues. The lack of engagement isn't always the patient's fault or refusal to accept help.

Maybe being able to make a throwaway remark about selling a car to make that much money but not need it to get to work.

And ignorant posts like yours make me cringe 😬

The 16 year old obviously 1000% needs safeguarding. I never said otherwise. I have full empathy for everyone in the family, including eldest son who needs support. Son could be getting groomed or any number of things. It sounds like OP has spoken to everyone they could have. School will have undoubtedly been involved. This will have been safeguarded.

It doesn't change the fact there are also two younger children to consider. Growing up with a household member who does drugs can cause significant trauma to others around them. It sounds like OP has tried desperately to get help for son. Services are unfortunately just dire and non-existent. There's no point repeating 'get son help' when there isn't any out there that's easily available. Drugs can easily escalate to violence. It's just a horrible situation for everyone involved, and for so many people to be saying 'you can't kick son out, get him help' isn't helpful.

Cocaine isn’t cheaper than alcohol. A gram is £70-£120 in the UK, you can buy enough alcohol to give yourself alcohol poisoning for less than a tenner if you’re not fussy about the type.

My first thought when OP said her son is using cocaine was how does he afford that, even with a job?! If I was the OP I’d really question how this is all being funded because it may be a lot murkier than it appears.

OP I’m not sure I understand which element of his drug use is the problem - is it the idea he’s used drugs, using them and returning home wasted, using them and becoming abusive, or bringing them into your home? I used to volunteer with young people who used drugs providing harm reduction services - I would consider what your hard lines are (e.g abusive behaviour/bringing them to the home/being wasted around younger kids) and work from there to enforce those. Lots of young people dabble which normalises the behaviour but abuse/putting others at risk/modelling poor behaviour is not okay, drugs or not.

I left home at 16 (due to abuse not drugs) and it was a bloody hard life. If you can find a way to get through to him and manage the risk, that may well be better for him and you.

Of course it's terrible neglectful parenting to throw a dependant child out of your house.

This sounds like a totally awful situation OP. Something similar happened with one of my siblings. My parents ended up almost casting a blind eye to it. It did not end well. My parents did what they thought was best just like you are doing what you think is best. That is all you can do.

I really really hope he listens to you tomorrow. I also hope that you remember that he is 16 and he will or won’t do what he wants. The control you have here is limited. You can’t shove him under your arm like a toddler and take him home screaming shielding him from the world. You can only do your best which it sounds as though you absolutely are.

I also wanted to say to all the unhelpful posts with people saying that they wouldn’t kick a 16 year old out. How on earth is that helpful? What would you do? This is a desperate Mum asking a forum for help. She hasn’t just sent him packing at first whiff of trouble she has exhausted all the avenues she knows. Imagine how desperate she is. How about being constructive in some way.

Just wanted to say, OP, you have my sympathy. I have two friends whose kids started taking drugs at a young age. One has finally kicked the drugs and settled down but the other one is an ongoing heartache.

What a thick and fucking unhelpful response. “Product of your parenting”? So any child who goes off the rails has had shit parents? Is that what you’re suggesting?
OP, take a breath, let things cool off tonight but please don’t kick him out, this will be a shit year but with the right support you can try and help him turn this around, I say try because that’s all you can do. Try, love him and hope he sees sense. Such a difficult situation. Big hugs.

This sounds like a lot of people’s worst nightmare, which is why they are so keen on distancing themselves from any thought that this could happen to themselves and believe that it is something that can be controlled.

If I were transported into this situation I’d like to think that what has happened has passed, and there is nothing that can be done about previous actions and situations and focus on what I can do in this situation to make change.

It’s not likely to be quick, but working on my relationship with my son and building up mutual respect for each other. Spending time together to focus on positives and not talk about the drug taking.

Addiction is so complex and it’s not for a parent to come up with a cure for this- professional help is what is needed, if this even is addiction. Just like (most) parents make hideous teachers for their own children. A parent’s job is to be a parent, unconditional love and make the best choices you have in the moment for all your children.

Counselling for yourself (through work, nhs talking therapies, charities) and your other children (start with school) would also be top of my list.

All children and adults need boundaries, putting in clear no drugs in the house and not to be under the influence while at home is sensible/ essential to safeguard the other children. You can support him to have some place safe to stay if he has not met this criteria.

The last thing would be to do what you can to build his self esteem to encourage him to see that he is worth so much more and that his life has so much potential. Hopefully he can start to take on the information about the risks of drug taking which are long term and irreversible - if this is just experimentation the “scare tactics” may work- if it’s addiction it’s something much more complex.

Good luck, ignore the horrible comments - they are from bullies and their words show more about themselves and their need to bring down others in order to feel some form of superiority than they do about you and your individual experience.

Yes much better to let him home and have ketamine and coke around the younger kids. Great parenting that.

I think it's cringey to suggest a 16 year old should be regarded as a fully grown adult. Their brains are nowhere near fully developed at 16. It's a notorious age for making bad decisions! I know I did. Even though I was working and driving not long after. I felt grown up, but I wasn't.
Looking at the 16 year olds now, as an adult, you realise just how young they are. Even the mature ones. Their brains still have a lot of connections to make, they just don't have fully developed decision making capabilities at that age.
16 year olds need guidance and support to make good decisions. It's a precarious time for them, when everything can go drastically wrong if they are fully left to their own devices. Yes, they should have the freedom to make some mistakes, but not life altering ones. They are still children and need parenting. Kicking a 16 year old out is a recipe for disaster.

This may seem a bit extreme, but I know that this worked for someone I knew whose child was involved in a gang, crime, drugs etc.

Do you have family abroad that you can send him to live with for a while. Change of scene, new perspective…maybe somewhere sunny where he can do outdoor activities. Get exercise, endorphins going, be less in his head?

I would Genuinely do this. Move to a small
Sunny Island. Drugs will be limited, everyone knows everyone, outdoorsy lifestyle, New faces & Friends. What do you have to lose?

He likely has Mental Health issues that need to be addressed too, but atm you risk losing your son if things remain the same. Does he have an older male he can talk to for advice and support? Research suggests having a male Influence is beneficial.

A mentor of sorts, a positive influence.

To add, speaking from Experience; as a young child & teen, it's scary and uncomfortable to be around people that are drinking excessively or taking drugs, even if they are family members.

Unless his girlfriend is an adult and self sufficient I don't think it's at all reasonable to 'send him' to her place for a few days.

If she lives with her parents, don't they get a say in whether they have another (drug using) person in their home? Do they have other kids? Are you paying them to feed him and keep him warm?

As a parent of teens I'd be ropable to learn that my house was the 'safe place' for their girlfriends' parents to kick them out into when they were behaving badly at home, without any prior consultation.

Yeah absolutely not, there is NEVER a reason to kick out your underage child to the streets, if you can't handle the problems of your child don't have one to begin with.
Obviously if your child is having problems with drugs there's gotta be something else wrong, like mental health problems, bad influence, or even your own parental neglect/bad parenting (which it sounds like the third option considering you're willing to kick your child to the streets)

Face the facts, kicking out your child to the streets where he likely is buying the drugs, is only going to make things worse. Alot of drug abusers come from being homeless, especially as a minor.