Throwing my 16 year old out?

I know. But let’s not all assume a boy we have never met would refuse rehab or that an OP we have never met cannot find a way to fund it.

I don’t agree with “tough love” in any way as it appears to be advising doing the exact opposite of love.

Children take drugs for a reason. They need help. Not to be made homeless. Do you even know how homelessness increases the chances of going from dabbling in drugs to being addicted to drugs, starting a life of crime to get the drugs and ending up dead or in prison? That is the path that “tough love” puts a child on.

Don't know why you are getting such a hard time OP.
It's easy to judge when you've not been in the position you're in.
Drug services, counselling etc won't work if he doesn't want to engage or see a problem.

Fingers crossed he just going through a phase of being rebellious and experimental and then grows bored of it.
You are 100% right not to tolerate it in your home with your younger kids around.
Handhold as I see how tough it is

Is this the first time you have asked him not to come home? Do you think this might give him the kick up the arse to make changes? Does his girl friend use drugs too? Does he like his job - would he lose it if they found out? Could you take him somewhere like NA and let him hear some of the horror stories?

As someone who went off the rails at about the same age, dabbled with drugs until I had a full blown crack cocaine addiction, I was kicked out at 16 after many violent outbursts, smashing my parents home, but with full support from my parents. However it was to no avail, because I wasn’t ready to change. I went further off the rails until prison at 18 I then spent the next 4 year in and out battling my addiction. My parents were there all through it trying their best to support me. My mum had a nervous breakdown through the stress I caused. I stole from them, my siblings, shops wherever I could get money. I genuinely didn’t care. It wasn’t until they completely cut me off, they literally washed their hands off me at about 23 after years or trying everything possible to help me. You know what though, once I lost everyone around me, I had no fall back, I had no one to bail me out, I had no money in prison, and it hurt like hell… but it made me wise up drastically. I come out of prison for the last time, I stayed clean, I got a job and I learnt to become a normal member of society. I built back the burnt bridges and me and my parents have never been closer, me and my siblings have a fantastic relationship. I went on to have a dd and I am an amazing mother.
ignore the ones blaming you, telling you your wrong, tough love is doing what your doing. You have to protect the other people in your home just like my parents had to protect my siblings. As I said it hurt me initially but as a 33 year old now with a child of my own. I completely understand why they had to do what they did and I don’t resent them, I don’t hate them nor do I believe they did any wrong by me. They tried their best with an awful situation. Don’t let the mn warriors bring you down you’re dealing with enough already. Not much help but sending a virtual hug as on the other side I know what this does to the parents trying to cope.

@Hellenika do you how serious an addiction you need to have to access residential rehab? One that's paid for by the NHS? there are very very very limited spaces and not enough resources.

Unless the OP has cash to pay for private rehab of course

This

It is also the OP’s choice, what you chose doesn’t have to be what she chooses. She is looking for different opinions.

@MumSkull83 That's really tough.
I'm sorry your son is into these drugs- No answers I'm afraid as he is still at the stage where they are making him feel good and he probably can play ''The big I am'' and look cool in front of his mates.

Ketamine?...he'll be pissing through a catheter if he carries on with that.

Bladder damage is becoming more common from Ketamine abuse.

But only he can decide to knock it on the head.

No one can stop anyone from ab/using any drug - The urge to stop has to come from the user.
Til then, he has to learn how to use those drugs in the ''safest'' way possible. {Harm reduction}.

Fourteen is a young age to start the use of these drugs..he must have been mixing with people who were prepared to supply a young teen with drugs - It's likely he is dealing them to fund his own drug use.

Yes I do know. Been quite a few posts on the cost of it.

My god you poor thing. Sounds awful.

Have you considered removing him from the area, his friends and dealers ? I’d be tempted to up sticks as a family, even if only temporarily for 6 months - year. Get him out of that environment, away from all connections, new life. I know this sounds impossible, but it’s worth giving some serious thought. A years sabbatical abroad ? As a whole family ? Other end of the country, anywhere for a fresh start to break the cycle.

Handing over responsibilities to hes teenage girlfriend really?

Yes I am aware of homelessness pathways.

I am also aware that neither of us know the full ins and outs of what the op has tried or not tried to date. Your posts assume that they are able to access services and they have not tried already.

There are several posters on here with lived experience saying that if a person doesn't want to engage with detox services it is a waste of time. It is not that they don't want it not to work but time and time again it doesn't for substance abuse... Just look at the alcohol advice boards on MN.

If showering a child with love alone protected them from addiction then drug addiction services could be slimed down as there are very few parents that would choose this pain for their child.

How often is he coming back in a state? Is he violent?
Controversial opinion but I think a lot of people in this thread would be surprised by how many 16 year olds are "dabbling" in the likes of ketamine and cocaine

My ds has a couple of friends who have been thrown out at 16 for getting into trouble with drugs. Some of these kids have spent the odd night in my house because they had absolutely nowhere else to go; they sofa surf, drift, sleep rough sometimes. They are mentally unwell, vulnerable and so desperately unhappy. Some of them now have serious addiction issues, which they didn't have when they were thrown away by their families for being stupid and experimenting as teenagers do. I know a couple who have been seriously beaten up since being thrown out, one shakes constantly and has developed a stutter.

Please don't throw your boy out. Get him some help instead.

I agree

Get him to read this article: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/ketamine-sent-rising-star-into-a-spiral-of-pain-then-killed-him-kwjkfm2vm

The article is fantastic- very good at breaking down exactly how the ketamine drags you in to a cycle of use. I couldn’t believe the side effects on the bladder. It shrinks it from a capacity of 500ml to 150ml.

The drug needs a higher classification

Knew a family who did this.
Bought a beautiful TB horse for the Daughter, {She rode at a yard I was at} moved out of the City.

Except I saw the daughter {16} visiting a jail where her boyfriend was now ensconced.

He was in jail for dealing- and she was still smitten by him.

Waste of time moving...especially these days, drugs can be sent through the mails.

So sorry you are going through this OP.
I hope you don't mind me speaking frankly.

My brother is 20 years older than your son and is a heroin addict. At 16 he was dabbling. I remember him coming home chasing around his bed all night. He later told me he was on speed. He used to stay out all night and we never knew were he was. He'd later tell me he was tripping out of his mind on mushrooms with friends somewhere.

He then went to uni. Met his ex, and they started on morphine and then progressed to heroin, it's been nearly 10 years now.

What I didn't like is that my parents always enabled it.
My dad is a very strict person with not much in the way or empathy, but he's not a very hands on father. My mum is very loving, naive and vague. She almost used to laugh it off. I totally believe if they'd had a different tack it wouldn't still be like this.
I wish so much that they had got him into their house and got him clean-almost trainspotting style. But they wanted him out of the way and to enjoy their children being grown up.
My brother has made up countless lies and conjured up all sorts of bollocks excuses to get money out of them for many years, I've no doubt at all he spends it all in drugs. Sickening.

You sound like a great mum and have tried lots of things. Please don't kick your son out. Get him in your house and get to get him clean. Tough love . Frighten the wits out of him. Cut his money off. No phone. Don't let him be wondering about looking for drugs.
Please do whatever it takes to make him WANT to stop. This is the key, and I'm sure if it the most difficult thing but I'm sure there is a way.
Your son has his whole life ahead.
Please take him in and try to get him clean so you know that you did the best you could.

X

I can tell you've never dealt with a teenage addict.

100% this.

Kids of that age who start using drugs of this type have emotional issues.

** Speaking as a mother of a 16yo ex-addict and something with a great deal of experience in working with vulnerable people.

You cannot punish someone out of an addiction. And you are mistaken to treat drug use as bad behaviour, it is much more complex than that.

Addiction, now known as substance use disorder, is a mental illness. People experiencing SUD need to engage with professional help if they want to recover. Buy in is essential just as it is with all other treatment. There is no sense in signing up for help unless you're prepqred to take it just as theres no sense in getting a script for antibiotics if you're not going to take them.

The best way to support your son is to do so firmly, with love. Be very honest about why his drug use worries you. Own your anxieties, don't just rant about it being illegal or foolish, claim your concerns and explain that your love for him is such that his drug use worries you terribly.

Ask him if he wants to continue to use or if he's interested in stopping. Ask what it is about drugs that he likes. Listen to his answers. Ask how he keeps himself safe ie. how he knows that what he's taking is actually what he thinks it is, how much he knows about his supplier. Ask what he needs to stop, what would make his life enjoyable.

Quitting drugs is very hard not least because it's very much to do with the company a user keeps so quitting means ending friendships.

Think about what you want. Do you want to see him recover and flourish or is it more important to you that he's out of your home?

Been in this position myself. Hardest thing in the world to deal with. You’ve had some really good sign posts OP.

My suggestion is to get a good nights sleep tonight and start tomorrow by calling some of the services you’ve been shown.

As for the judging brigade, there but for the Grace of god

So she is supposed to abandon the first child after 2 years of problem because she went on having 2 more kids after him. From the way Op wrote here, she sounds too practical and not so affectionate to her oldest child.

Op has not answered if girlfriend has other siblings at home.

Yes well the popular advice of kick them out at 16 has had one poster who was that teenage addict and was kicked out at 16 and then went off the rails and was in prison by 18.

Has to be a better way than to put your child through years of suffering and a criminal record before they have the adult capacity to pull themselves out of that hole.