Throwing my 16 year old out?

Are there no substance misuse services for young people in your area? You shouldn't have needed to pay.

Having said that if he won't engage with support you can't make him.

He might of course get arrested in due course.

Something has gone wrong for him to start taking drugs at 14. That's not the actions of a happy, well-adjusted child.

You know you have a legal obligation to cate for him until he's 18. Right now you've just transferred responsibility on to presumably his girlfriends parents.

it’s a really hard one. My DS was taking a lot of drugs at 16 including ket and all sorts of things like xanax and also coke. i did manage to get him to talk to change grow live. to be honest he only really changed after he was 17 and after he’d been expelled from school. why did he change? not sure- i think the counselling helped a bit. but he had some scares including a stay in hospital and a psychosis episode. I think you are doing the right thing. you know he is safe, the door is open if he dials down the drug use but you have said you don’t want him in the house if he’s like this. I suspect the girlfriends parents won’t either…

The posters trying to throw blame at the OP need to reflect on the fact this can happen to any parent. OP, there is help out there. I appreciate you have tried various agencies. Perhaps look at smaller local charities/support groups and see if you can get proper advice there.

He's 16, you're responsible for housing him. If you don't want him to live with you, you'd be responsible for ensuring that he has somewhere - whether you arrange for him to stay with relatives or fund him to live with his gf if he can stay there (assuming it must be her parents?)

He can leave home by choice at 16 if he has somewhere to go, but you're responsible for putting a roof over his head until he's 18, just the same was as you would be if he was 14. He can't sign up for his own tenancy/houseshare, he's a child, regardless of how he's behaved.

agree it’s not useful to blame parents; it can happen to any of our kids for all sorts of reasons; the challenge when they are late teens is they won’t listen!! big time

@ExTheCheater what constructive advice do you have?

Going to stick my head above the parapet and risk the wrath of MN but I am seeking supported lodgings/accommodation for my literally-just-16-year-old as she is extremely violent, aggressive, threatening and verbally abusive to my seven-year-old and I. We are practicing first name terms with all the local police as they are here so often. Some teens just go off the rails but I don’t want to be threatened with knives while in bed any more. Call me a terrible mother. I hear you @MumSkull83 . This is no way to live. If you know your DS is safe, then please enjoy the peace. My DD is currently spending a couple of days at the home of an incredibly amazing friend who knows I have reached the end of my rope. Once everything opens up next week, DD will be accommodated by the LA. I am doing my utmost to keep our relationship alive in the hope that there may be some mutual understanding, if not a reunification, in the near future.

So you have sent him to a house with drugs? That seems counter productive.

I would be keeping him home and then sending him to a residential addiction detox place.

This is not actually true. In consultation with children’s services - and following an assessment - supported lodgings or independent living accommodation can be found for 16-year-olds, depending on the home circumstances.

It's really difficult and I think whichever way you go you will feel guilty when he carries on.

Is he at college? Apprenticeship? Are yin England? If so and ge is 16 then I am guessing he must be Yr 11 or left school 6 months ago?
What jobs does he do? How does he get and then lose those jobs? Are the people he works with a good or bad influence?

Is his girlfriend a good or bad influence and could you tell her parents what the problem is?

My main concern would be you use the word "dabbling" but I know of friends kids who have died due to stabbings over dealing and I wonder if he is? And also the potential consequences if dealers turn up on your door step.

I have a 16 year old problem child. All sorts of trouble and I made him live with his Dad for a while. He has set the house on fire and caused all sort of property damage, from having ADHD. Nearly been kicked out of school a few times, and constant trouble. I have him in boxing club and he sees a cognitive behavioural therapist. I have considered kicking him out to live with his father full-time, but I also believe his present home is a secure place for a disordered and emotionally dysregulated teen. If I pull that away, it will incite him into all sorts of more serious trouble. I recognise your feelings of despair. You need to get all the agencies involved and make a pest of yourself with them. If they think you will go away and sort it yourself then they may not act. You also need to lock down any source of drug money, and try to find out if he is involved in country lines or other dealing. Don't leave gadgets, money or anything of value unsecured in the home as he can steal it to pay for drugs. Try to contact the girlfriend's parents as well to alert them as they will surely not be delighted. I would also look into getting him diagnosed, if you suspect he has ADHD. CAMHS wait lists are horrific so I went private. My son has ADHD, and the diagnosis has helped to get services and understand him a bit more.

@Fleetheart is the only one talking any kind of vague sense on this thread. How many other PPs have dealt with a drug addict child (or other family member)? She says she's tried seeking support, providing private counselling, and he/the appropriate agencies don’t want to engage. She has 2 other children she is responsible for. What the fuck else is she supposed to do? If he isn't at home with food in the fridge, washing and cleaning being done and a safe and cosy environment, he might actually stop and think about what he's doing. If he realises as a young,single man he'll get fuck all benefits and be at the bottom of the housing list. It's the hardest thing in the world to deal with. Tough love worked in our situation (there's a good fb group by the same name OP, but only join if you feel strong enough as the stories are pretty harrowing) but ultimately he is the only one who can change this. He's putting you in the impossible situation of choosing between protecting him and putting your other children in harms way, or letting him go and not knowing what the fuck will come of him. I'm so sorry

Does his girlfriend live with her parents and do they know what he's doing?

This

Tell him he’s welcome to return home as long as he’s not taking or carrying drugs.

Wow people. A person comes on here at a time of family crisis for support and you are behaving like a lynch mob.

This is someone who is at the end of their rope and all you can do is make them feel worse.

Drug use is common in teens and young adults and as kids become older they are more in thrall of their peers than family. It does not sound as if the OP has failed to try and access appropriate services. Unfortunately the services are over stretched. Just hope you or your family do not need to use them.

OP I have no advice having seen people go both ways from this point with no discernable difference in upbringing or access to services. I hope you and your family find a way through.

my DS also starting improving after being arrested. i was probably too soft with him. too kind. tough love is needed and definitely need to consider needs of others in the house. people who haven’t lived with a drug abusing 16 year old really can’t understand the stress for the parent involved. it’s a nightmare.

It must be nice that you have a spare ten or fifteen grand to do that (because it won't be available on the NHS). Not everybody does.

I don’t, but I have a credit card and can get a loan or I would even sell my car and go without. It’s only money. My child’s life is more important.