Throwing my 16 year old out?

How you raised him has shaped him into the person he is.

I do hope whoever wrote the above - also read my post about my qualified son, who also had an extremely niche career planned, which failed.

It's not fair to place all the blame on parents. One domino falls and wham the whole line goes. I firmly believe this can happen to any family. I didn't used to - until it happened to us.

I've spent two years on edge, terrified if he's 5 mins late home, he's meeting up with a drug dealer. I've given myself stress illnesses and the mistrust has been terrible. Is he ever telling the truth. We're only just pulling through - it's been flipping difficult, and NO ONE wanted to know. Professional help out there is limited, and is certainly not URGENT. Kids are dying out there.

Please don't tar all parents with the same brush. There but for the Grace of God, go I.

I haven’t been in the exact same situation, as my DD had anorexia and I had to raise funds to get her private residential treatment or I sincerely think she would have died, the NHS treatment doesn’t accommodate for how anorexia is different in an autistic person.

I can’t believe you are suggesting that family shouldn’t go without, suffer even mild deprivation, to try and save the life of a family member. I can’t believe you are justifying it with what if the boy is such a shit it doesn’t work? You don’t even know this child and you are going to condemn him based on what ifs.

Glad my kids have me as their parent and not you.

What an appalling but also completely clueless thing to say. We do have a strong influence as parents of course but NOBODY can say that a)their child would never do any of this or b)how they would react if they did. The OP sounds a good conscientious parent who is at the end of their rope understandably and trying to do what's best for everyone - including hopefully shocking her son into changing his ways. To say something like that to someone who is struggling so much - you should be ashamed of yourself. I hope YOU ate raising your children to have more empathy and understanding than you clearly have.

Well yes, social services will eventually take a 16yr old into care if they determine that they are estranged from their parents, same as they would do for a 14yr old, albeit with different placement options. I don't think handing over parental responsibility to the state is a good option, do you?

The fact that children's services will pick up the pieces to avoid children sleeping on the streets doesn't mean that the OP doesn't have responsibility for housing her son, and children's services wouldn't house him without trying everything else him get him back home or to get the OP to make arrangements herself. Because a parent is responsible for their children.

I am sorry I can’t imagine how difficult it is, so many judgemental people on here . Do you have any other family members he could stay with for a time, even better if in a different part of the Uk?

It’s worth trying. I can’t stand this doom and gloom that consigns a child to the rubbish heap.

Op I am still in this journey and my D's is a few years older. My advice is please look after yourself, is there anywhere he can stay for a few nights to give you a rest? Maybe try Early Help/SS, school I know it's hard when they don't engage as they refuse to work with them. I threw away my D's drugs, and he went mad. In hindsight I should of called the police to remove him as he was so angry and threatening. That's what I find the hardest is that they are pushing the boundaries and flexing their muscles and it's frightening.

I thought his girl friend was one of his friends?

You aren’t alone and won’t be the last parent to go through this. If you haven’t, try You g Minds, Teen Challenge and Frank, a call to their helpline may give some useful signposts.

there also appear to be family groups that could support you as a parent.

sorry you are going through this

If he realises as a young,single man he'll get fuck all benefits and be at the bottom of the housing list.

He isn’t a man, he is a child so this seems impossible.

https://famanon.org.uk/meetings/meetings-in-the-uk/

@MumSkull83 massive squishes. Been in similar situation and as @user1484492781 said - looking back I’m not sure what I could have done differently.

I begged and hounded the police, social services, GPs, MPs and every legal/drug/family agency I could.. nothing.

I had evidence of dealers, money laundering they were trying to involve him in etc - police weren’t interested. I had screenshots, names, details.. nothing.

I had to kick him out at 16 for my own safety and because of the trouble/ people associated with him was bringing to my doorstep.

Hes 24 now and whilst the first 2 years after kicking him out were awful he’s got himself sorted now.

I always let him now I loved him. But that I couldn’t be involved or around him and drugs/crime.

I think my son wanted to be popular and followed the peers he had and wanted to fit in so copied what they got up to. He has Asperger’s (no excuse) and he’s always mimicked the behaviour of any given group he was in. It started with weed. Then ‘occasional’ ket/coke/party drugs etc.

Like I said. Given the time over I still don’t know what I could have done. We had boundaries/family rules and meetings and open communication prior to him going off the rails. We had hobby groups and interests he was into and we supported.

we tried talks/consequences (no money/phone/lifts etc etc) nothing worked. Tried grounding him. But difficult to stop someone sneaking out if determined enough when you are asleep/climbing out windows and one memorable time - hoisting patio door off track… and at over 6’ 2” it’s pretty intimidating trying to stop an enraged youth.

he stayed in a special unit for homeless or at risk young people which had support workers etc to help them with benefits/work/education and any substance issues. I think it really helped him. You can find yours via Google/local Facebook or the council will know of some. Try and get details for a young people’s one. The adult one he had to stay in for a week prior to his young people’s placement was so bloody scary when I visited. https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/emergency_options_for_homeless_16_to_25_year_olds

Also just to be clear my previous post wasn't a dig at the op, more just incredulous that someone would seriously suggest the OP should give up her teen because SS would have to arrange something!

16yos are wild. I certainly was. My poor parents bless them. I am now a well adjusted adult - or reasonably enough.

My parents told me not to do drugs and got angry etc. Nothing worked.

One things did actually. My dad told me not to do acid more than 3 times, and obviously never to touch crack or heroin. It seemed a reasonable request.

I now have a toddler boy. If he ever goes down this route I am going to focus on the death / life wrecking scenarios ie. Don’t drug/drink and drive. Don’t overdose and kill yourself. Don’t deal as it’s not clever. Ie. Don’t fuck up your whole life irreversibly.

Goodluck

We all know someone for who rehab didn’t work, but there are many people for whom rehab did work. My BIL for instance.

Agreed!

Jesus Christ, what world do you live in? 14 is not a young child and unfortunately plenty old enough to get mixed up with all sorts wherever you live and whatever the background or standard of patenting. Lots of the 14/15 year olds at the very upper middle class public school near me are regularly taking coke (it's cheaper than booze). A proportion of those kids will probably go on to develop problems like the OPs child. It is very much a case of 'there but for the grace of God go I'. And he's not homeless, he's staying elsewhere for a few days.

While I am very sorry to hear about your DD (and hope she is recovered) this is not the same. And talking about the cost of rehab as mild deprivation just tells me you really have no clue. Most average families could not pay for rehab without serious financial detriment.

I can only hope to God that through education and awareness, drugs are not the path that my daughter chooses. When she is old enough, she will learn about the devastation they have caused my family, and another family we are very close to. If she chooses that path, it will not be because of ant kind of neglect or shit parenting. I think it's interesting that because your daughter responded to treatment, this has given you some sense of moral authority and sense of control. I'm sorry to tell you that you were simply lucky. There is no control when a loved one is an addict. There is no right answer. You are simply left feeling despair and helplessness and in my case, it was choosing between my own sanity and my daughter, or going down with the addict and taking my own family with me. I was not prepared to do that and idgaf what you think about that, quite frankly.

Really? Do you not think the OP has already told him this? If only it was that easy.

For the benefit of people who are speculating on what they might do if they ever found themselves in this situation.

1. It doesn't matter how much money you throw at the problem if a person doesn't want to engage with detox services it won't work.
2. Tough love is asking them to leave.
3. The op has 2 other children they have to consider. Not shielding them from the drug taking exposes them to harm.
4. Drug taking on its own does not mean that a child is running county lines. Many CL victims are initially subject to family neglect / abuse as it makes them vulnerable to manipulation. A drug user is a shite CL runner as there is a risk that they will be away with the drugs.
5. Drug use may be masking an underlying MH issue that the kid is self medicating. Good luck in trying to access MH services. No amount of love fixes that.

What does that have to do with having £15k in liquid cash readily available?

Be very careful OP. If you kick him out he may never be back. I speak from experience.

What a vile, heartless and cruel thing to say. You should be ashamed.

Give OP advice if you have any (you wont), if not, shut the hell up