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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I the asshole

179 replies

Nothappy1987 · 27/12/2023 19:51

I appreciate I may waffle and apologise.

me and my partner have had a mostly great relationship. However it is dwindling.
I have 3 children from a previous relationship, and he has 2. (Mine are 4-12, his are 16 and 18).
I put everyone first, my children obviously , and including him, his family, even his friends.
his father has recently passed away, and I have put everything on the back burner (including Xmas shopping for everyone- left until the day before Xmas Eve!!) so that I could be there, and be a shoulder to cry on. There have been a few occasions where he has been anything but nice… but I didn’t take offence due to his grief, and how he handles it. Still trying to hold his hand.
the funeral comes, 21st December, lovely service, hard day, everything going as ok as it could be. I’m there, I’m present, I’m holding his daughter’s hand at the grave side, I’m waiting in the cold with his relative as she waits for a lift in the blistering cold. Sitting with his mother etc. after a long day and lots of beer, we head back to stay at his mothers as she doesn’t want to be alone that night. Everything ok, obviously everyone is sad, but my partner just FLIPS - after I had administered his mums dogs medicine for a poorly ear. And I mean lost his ***, throwing the car keys at me telling me to leave because I’m not welcome. Nobody likes me. I clearly have to leave this house and did end up driving home, alone. (My children were staying with my family). Something I am not proud of and I know I shouldn’t have done but at the moment in time I felt only reasonable way of getting away. had a telling off from MIL the next day.

I still let this slide, he did apologise, but again grief etc.

fast forward Xmas shopping… I was due to go on my own and he said it would make more sense for him to come with and bring the kids. I explained it wouldn’t be a good idea as I would be rushed, and have to hide stuff and it just seemed like a hassle. I wanted to go first thing… he created merry hell and drew an argument out all day and when I gave in and said fine come, he said he couldn’t be bothered, and started drinking.

xmas eve… he tells me he needs to pop out shopping- clearly for me. I have been ‘expecting’ a ring for some time…. Something my partner has gone on about for months and months, and whilst his dad way dying he told
him to make an honest woman of me, so was expecting it even more.

he stops ‘for a pint’ on the way home in Xmas eve. Comes home blind drunk. My mum arrives after an hour drive… he’s throwing up in the toilet I’m trying to do ‘xmas stuff’ usual stuff.

Xmas day… present opening, and considering my last minute shopping due to everything I feel I did very well for him… a tool box on wheels he desperately wanted, a new coat, new electric toothbrush.

my turn… I got a crappy hooded blanket, which is so garish in colour covered in an awful pattern… really not me. And a pair of emoji slippers, again not me. That’s it.

i preceded to drink wine… its Xmas after all, with my mum, whilst prepping dinner, entertaining the kids. He sits in the chair, checking the turkey every now and then.

boxing day… mum goes home I ask for help tidying up, he sits in yhe chair ignoring me a except for making a dig that I got drunk yesterday!

he then stays In bed all day because I had a drink.

today…. He stays in bed til 12…. Comes down and says he’s got to look at a job (he is self employed so this is a normal thing) he ** off, so I go food shopping.
leave the shop and the car won’t start… I’m stranded in aldi car park, it’s pouring down. I call him, well I’ve just finished the job and I’m having a beer with my mate.
sat in the car park for 40 minutes before he came to rescue us. Not before he blames it on Me, u must of left something on in the car for it not to start… its never done it with him… this is his car btw he has been driving mine. He opens yhe bonnet and yhe alternator belt has snapped, so the battery isn’t being charged and the car is . He piles us all in the car whilst effing and jeffing.
drops us home, and * off to the pub. I won’t be long. 4 hours later im still sat here. Waiting again.
my poor kids, whilst happy, I feel sorry for them. We’ve been living on egg shells for ages, and now whilst they have everything they want for Xmas have been sat indoors since Xmas Eve.

sorry I know that’s long and there’s more to add probably but I’m rambling.

I just feel so sad. I feel not important. I feel disappointed

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 27/12/2023 23:10

Often I read posts on here and wonder what the actual fuck makes people stay with these truly awful people who treat them with utter contempt. It's such a waste of a life that isn't long enough as it is.
OP, just end it. He's a shit. He never won't be a shit. You will waste your precious time expecting him to change and treat you better and he never will. You've got three kids who have to live this life with you and have no choice about it. Make 2024 the year where you offload the dickhead.

GrazingSheep · 27/12/2023 23:21

*@mn29

You need to leave this relationship with this awful man. Find someone who respects you and makes you feel valued, instead of the opposite*

The op needs to focus on her children. Not on finding someone else. Put yourself in her children’s shoes having a succession of their mother’s boyfriends in their lives.

Fraaahnces · 27/12/2023 23:22

Get your car back, pack your kids and shit up and go somewhere else. If it’s your house, pack his kids up and take them to MIL’s and don’t let him back in. Self-indulgent motherfucker is taking everything out on you and you are absolutely NOT responsible for his feelings or his behaviour. You both need to stop fucking drinking too.

GacksonJalaxy · 27/12/2023 23:22

Are you the same person who posted a couple of weeks back about your partner of less than a year being abusive due to grief? Regardless, you need to dump him. He is awful.

CJsGoldfish · 27/12/2023 23:27

For some people being in a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional, is better than no relationship. Children are collateral damage
Very true.

OP, you say your children are 'happy' but are you considering the damage you are inflicting on them by making 'this' their 'normal'? Why would you think that 'this' is all your children deserve?
They will be taking in everthing. Every fight, every exposure to intoxicated adults. Every shift in atmosphere and learning how to mitigate the consequences that means for them.

Yet, you wanted a ring? You want to marry this man rather than model what an actual healthy relationship looks like for your children. Why?

1AngelicFruitCake · 27/12/2023 23:29

You both sound like you drink too much.

This is a lot of effort to put into a boyfriend, instead be on your own (can’t have been on your own for long after having your youngest then getting with him) and focus on your children.

Raspberrymoon49 · 27/12/2023 23:36

I always feel so sorry for the kids in these situations, assuming they’re young they don’t have a choice to leave, YOU do, you are choosing to subject you and your children to abuse, how can them having to learn to walk on eggshells to manage this man ever be healthy? I seriously worry for children growing up in toxicity, it’s incredibly damaging and surely you can’t be thinking straight in wanting to marry this person????

SheerLucks · 27/12/2023 23:39

I'm so sorry OP but you're acting like a doormat and are therefore being treated like one.

Your DH is acting completely unreasonably but you're just accepting it and going along with it.

AngryPrincess · 27/12/2023 23:41

What. A. Knob!

Run! Run like the Wind!

Teenagehorrorbag · 27/12/2023 23:43

Sorry - but get the hell out!

OK - the funeral thing you might excuse if it was a one off and he had had too much to drink and was clearly very upset and emotional. (Not that it was a normal response, just saying one might if it was a totally out of character one off.....).

He clearly drinks too much - and it's not uncommon for drinkers to flip that onto their partners when they occasionally overstep the mark. Stayed in bed all day - WTAF?? If you can't have a drink Xmas day then when can you? (Assuming you didn't do anything dreadful).

But what really got me was the 'walking on eggshells' comment. I had an abusive partner on and off for 4 years - and that was exactly how it felt. Nobody should ever have to live their life like that - 20 years on I still remember how it felt - nervous about them misinterpreting the most innocent thing. My partner could be physically violent but the fear was mostly about the coercive control side of things - which sounds exactly like your partner.

I got out of it thank god - and you must too. For the sake of your kids as much as anything! I was younger and had no children, luckily - but they mustn't see that sort of behaviour role modelled as they grow up. Please get out as soon as you can! Good luck....

Moveoverdarlin · 27/12/2023 23:46

He sounds like one of life’s losers. I couldn’t spend an hour in his company.

OfficerChurlish · 27/12/2023 23:54

Does he normally not drink and he started drinking to excess due to the grief/stress from his father's death and so it seems like his bad behavior came out of nowhere? That's the only way I can see chalking it up to grief. Even then, though, he's an unusually mean drunk AND the things he said to you (no one likes you, etc.) didn't come from nowhere; they will be things he's been feeling and hasn't said, and they are awful.

I don't see how you have done anything wrong - did you mean are you being unfair to criticise his behaviour at such a difficult time for him? If so then no, you're not. Other people still exist and he can't make everyone else's life miserable, he's an adult and has to learn to cope. And you still have every right to speak up for yourself and get your needs met, and your children's.

suki1964 · 27/12/2023 23:55

Im trying my best to be objective but seriously this an all me me me scenario

His dad has died

Now I have a shit relationship with my parents but Im learning others dont, and parents dying can knock normal adults for 6

You go on about standing in the cold, holding hands etc like you should get brownie points.Sorry but thats funerals for you, you do this stuff or you dont go . Thats funerals , no one can control the weather, no one can control any emotion - its a funeral

So you take a day each to get drunk? Yours is ok his isnt?

Your husband/partner has lost his dad, Im not sating to forgive him if he was beating up on you, but all he has really done has gone off the rails and hit the booze. Yes its hard when you just want Christmas to go ahead with the timetable you yourself have, but this is life and life chucks us curve balls.

My dad died Boxing Day ( parents lived with us ) it was shit, worse then shit cos we bury on day three and Christmas and new year went out of the window , even though I was carer for my grandson aged 4 at the time. So im juggling funeral arrangements and giving a child a Christmas and supporting my mother and dealing with my own grief. FFS a drink or 3 would have been the least of it

RogueFemale · 27/12/2023 23:55

TheSunIsOutAndTheSkyIsBlue · 27/12/2023 23:02

Why only focus on that reply (though I have no idea which post you are on about as you didnt quote it)???

You have had lots of posts of support in the answers, plus lots of questions. Can you answer some?!

Edited
Show quote history

I think she was replying to me, I posted 2 mins before... saying "You are not the asshole, he is. Kick him out and stop drinking for at least a bit while you sort your life out."

BungleandGeorge · 27/12/2023 23:58

So you’ve both driven after drinking the past few days? I’d presume alcohol is a large part of your problems? Would you both be able to give up drinking to improve your relationship? If the answer is no I think you need to split up
and work on things individually, it’s not a healthy relationship

ShelleyCarpenter · 27/12/2023 23:58

Why on earth would you want a ring from him? Just leave, for gods sake. He doesn’t care about you at all

Mamanyt · 28/12/2023 00:20

I cannot imagine how having a drink after a funeral on Dec 21, and another on Christmas day, is construed as a drinking problem. How absurd. I drink two WHOLE bottles of wine every year. It takes me over a week to finish each one. I suppose I, as well, am a disgusting drunk.

I would imagine that, were the truth known, a good many of us have driven after having a single drink. Especially in our younger years. While even one drink can affect some areas of cognition (specifically the ability to match colors...yes, I looked that up), it does not affect reaction times in most people.

JoanOfAllTrades · 28/12/2023 00:31

How many drinks did you have, the day you drove after drinking?

Some people consider even 1 drink to be unacceptable, and would say you were drink driving!

Anyway, don’t do it again, it’s unnecessary and you should consider this:

This man abused you so much, you felt that your only recourse was to drive, after having been drinking!

That’s not good enough - were your children in the car?

When you say you “had a drink”, do you actually mean a drink, or do you mean that you were drinking on those 2 days but this is out of character?

When I say that I’ve had a drink, I literally mean one glass of wine! I would never leave myself incapable of driving, and my DH is nothing like yours!

You split up from the father of your children, presumably because it was a bad situation, and you didn’t want your DC to grow up in that environment but you’ve now got an environment where your DC are probably unhappy, especially if they’re witnessing all this abuse!

It may be that your DC will tell you that they are happy, whilst they’re crying inside, as they may see that you aren’t ready to leave, but why on earth are tolerating all this?

Leave this awful human and work on your self esteem, so you don’t get suckered in again!

Onthemaintrunkline · 28/12/2023 00:42

I’m sorry to have to write this, but based on what you’ve said, this is a truly miserable existence. Up to you of course, but why you’d stay in this kind of arrangement heaven only knows.

badhappenings · 28/12/2023 00:46

YANBU
He is very obviously extremely abusive to you.

You on the other hand sound really nice.

You need to drop this bastard and the quicker the better for you and your DC's sakes.

It's going to be a brand New Year - good luck you can do it and you won't ever look back💐

PurpleBugz · 28/12/2023 00:46

Grief is no excuse to treat a partner this way. Maybe it would excuse one or two incidents if he is genuinely generally a great guy but your post is rife with examples of abuse. This is not a great guy.

I say this having just lost my own father. I was a bit sweary for a couple days venting grief but not directed at anybody specific. Next he will be needing to be excused because he's depressed or he is stressed with work or one of his kids is having trouble at school ...... there is always an excuse to be found with men like this. But there is no excuse no matter what you are going through to treat another human this way

Jom222 · 28/12/2023 00:55

Grief doesn’t excuse this abominable behavior. Reading this saga made me wish it was made up because if its true you should ask yourself what you’d tell a loved one if they came to you with this situation? You’d be helping them pack!

DUMP

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 28/12/2023 00:56

Nothappy1987 · 27/12/2023 20:13

I will state that his mum
didnt have a go at me for leaving, she told em off for drink driving which is/was not acceptable

So on top of everything else you were drunk and driving?

Your poor children.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 28/12/2023 01:00

Tonight1 · 27/12/2023 20:56

Where did you get that idea from? What is wrong with you?

Show quote history

I think because when OP drove away from her "MIL's" house she'd been drinking.

lemmein · 28/12/2023 01:01

One day OP this man will be out of your life; either you'll have enough and kick him out, or he'll meet someone else on one of his benders, either way, this isn't a forever relationship.

What is forever though is the effect this relationship will have on your kids; how they will view their childhood, the judgements they will make about you and the environment they've grown up in and how it all might affect their future relationships. They have no say at all on whether they want to share their home with an abusive man - that decision is totally down to you. Nobody should have to walk on eggshells in what should be their safe space, their home.

Id urge you to take the opportunity of the new year and free yourself from this man - get all the support you can and remove him from your life. You'll probably feel shit for a while, because he's a habit you've become used to, but eventually you'll feel relieved and be able to start enjoying your home again. There's little point in wasting any more time on a relationship that has no legs!