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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I the asshole

179 replies

Nothappy1987 · 27/12/2023 19:51

I appreciate I may waffle and apologise.

me and my partner have had a mostly great relationship. However it is dwindling.
I have 3 children from a previous relationship, and he has 2. (Mine are 4-12, his are 16 and 18).
I put everyone first, my children obviously , and including him, his family, even his friends.
his father has recently passed away, and I have put everything on the back burner (including Xmas shopping for everyone- left until the day before Xmas Eve!!) so that I could be there, and be a shoulder to cry on. There have been a few occasions where he has been anything but nice… but I didn’t take offence due to his grief, and how he handles it. Still trying to hold his hand.
the funeral comes, 21st December, lovely service, hard day, everything going as ok as it could be. I’m there, I’m present, I’m holding his daughter’s hand at the grave side, I’m waiting in the cold with his relative as she waits for a lift in the blistering cold. Sitting with his mother etc. after a long day and lots of beer, we head back to stay at his mothers as she doesn’t want to be alone that night. Everything ok, obviously everyone is sad, but my partner just FLIPS - after I had administered his mums dogs medicine for a poorly ear. And I mean lost his ***, throwing the car keys at me telling me to leave because I’m not welcome. Nobody likes me. I clearly have to leave this house and did end up driving home, alone. (My children were staying with my family). Something I am not proud of and I know I shouldn’t have done but at the moment in time I felt only reasonable way of getting away. had a telling off from MIL the next day.

I still let this slide, he did apologise, but again grief etc.

fast forward Xmas shopping… I was due to go on my own and he said it would make more sense for him to come with and bring the kids. I explained it wouldn’t be a good idea as I would be rushed, and have to hide stuff and it just seemed like a hassle. I wanted to go first thing… he created merry hell and drew an argument out all day and when I gave in and said fine come, he said he couldn’t be bothered, and started drinking.

xmas eve… he tells me he needs to pop out shopping- clearly for me. I have been ‘expecting’ a ring for some time…. Something my partner has gone on about for months and months, and whilst his dad way dying he told
him to make an honest woman of me, so was expecting it even more.

he stops ‘for a pint’ on the way home in Xmas eve. Comes home blind drunk. My mum arrives after an hour drive… he’s throwing up in the toilet I’m trying to do ‘xmas stuff’ usual stuff.

Xmas day… present opening, and considering my last minute shopping due to everything I feel I did very well for him… a tool box on wheels he desperately wanted, a new coat, new electric toothbrush.

my turn… I got a crappy hooded blanket, which is so garish in colour covered in an awful pattern… really not me. And a pair of emoji slippers, again not me. That’s it.

i preceded to drink wine… its Xmas after all, with my mum, whilst prepping dinner, entertaining the kids. He sits in the chair, checking the turkey every now and then.

boxing day… mum goes home I ask for help tidying up, he sits in yhe chair ignoring me a except for making a dig that I got drunk yesterday!

he then stays In bed all day because I had a drink.

today…. He stays in bed til 12…. Comes down and says he’s got to look at a job (he is self employed so this is a normal thing) he ** off, so I go food shopping.
leave the shop and the car won’t start… I’m stranded in aldi car park, it’s pouring down. I call him, well I’ve just finished the job and I’m having a beer with my mate.
sat in the car park for 40 minutes before he came to rescue us. Not before he blames it on Me, u must of left something on in the car for it not to start… its never done it with him… this is his car btw he has been driving mine. He opens yhe bonnet and yhe alternator belt has snapped, so the battery isn’t being charged and the car is . He piles us all in the car whilst effing and jeffing.
drops us home, and * off to the pub. I won’t be long. 4 hours later im still sat here. Waiting again.
my poor kids, whilst happy, I feel sorry for them. We’ve been living on egg shells for ages, and now whilst they have everything they want for Xmas have been sat indoors since Xmas Eve.

sorry I know that’s long and there’s more to add probably but I’m rambling.

I just feel so sad. I feel not important. I feel disappointed

OP posts:
Branleuse · 27/12/2023 21:01

Do you actually want to still marry him??

Crunchymum · 27/12/2023 21:02

Tonight1 · 27/12/2023 20:56

Where did you get that idea from? What is wrong with you?

Show quote history

Read the OP's second post.

XmasCrumble · 27/12/2023 21:03

YABU to waste your life with this man who sounds like a right dickhead

HelenTudorFisk · 27/12/2023 21:06

Your kids aren’t happy. Children in living in violent, alcohol fuelled dysfunction often keep under the radar lest your partners foul behaviour starts to target them directly. They deserve better. Do better.

harriethoyle · 27/12/2023 21:06

YABVU for drink driving and I suspect there's a lot more to your behaviour if you think there's anything that makes that acceptable.

Tonight1 · 27/12/2023 21:06

Crunchymum · 27/12/2023 21:02

Read the OP's second post.

Show quote history

You could actually just say about drink driving rather than sneering at 'alchies' as you put it.

Jl2014 · 27/12/2023 21:07

You both sound like a disaster zone tbh: he is abusive and you are a drink driver. Neither of you have an excuse and this ‘relationship’ sounds absolutely awful.

FiveShelties · 27/12/2023 21:08

Poor children. Such a damn shame.

Mikimoto · 27/12/2023 21:10

Seems to be a relationship based on alcohol.
Who was looking after the smaller kids when the grandmother left? Neither of the parents would have been capable.

s285 · 27/12/2023 21:12

New year, New start! F* him off! You will feel a lot better next Christmas if you do, I promise

wronginalltherightways · 27/12/2023 21:12

YABU to want to be important to this massively selfish arsehole.

Please find some self respect and get him out of your life!

Please think about what a crappy role model he is for your own children and get him out of their lives!

Focus on your children. You all deserve better, ffs.

baubletits · 27/12/2023 21:12

Crunchymum · 27/12/2023 20:39

You both sound like a pair of alchies.

Sort your shit out. Lose the disgusting boyfriend and do better for your children.

What part of OPs post makes her sound like an "alchy"?? 😶

moonbeammagic · 27/12/2023 21:13

You say your children are happy, but they have been living on eggshells. Your children are not happy. It's not difficult, you need to put them first and end this mess of a relationship.

LinnieM · 27/12/2023 21:14

AnneValentine · 27/12/2023 20:59

It’s more than unacceptable. Let’s make this what it is. You clearly have a drink problem and are taking zero responsibility for that.

Show quote history

A drink problem? Because the OP drove her car after drinking whilst her partner was verbally abusing her?

There’s never an excuse for drink driving. OP could have got a cab and picked up her car the next day but nothing about the situation screams a drink problem to me

AnneValentine · 27/12/2023 21:18

LinnieM · 27/12/2023 21:14

A drink problem? Because the OP drove her car after drinking whilst her partner was verbally abusing her?

There’s never an excuse for drink driving. OP could have got a cab and picked up her car the next day but nothing about the situation screams a drink problem to me

Show quote history

Yes because she drunk drove. It’s never acceptable.

Seaside3 · 27/12/2023 21:19

What would you say if one of your friends told you this story? Or one of your kids, when they get older?

You would advise them to leave. A d you should speak to yourself in the same way.

Scirocco · 27/12/2023 21:19

Unless the ring you're waiting for is a telephone call from the Crap Men Removal Company, you're better off without it.

And without him.

Bin him and make yourself and your kids 2 promises: 1) that you'll never again expose them or yourself to abusive men, and 2) that you'll address your relationship with alcohol so that you never drink drive again.

LinnieM · 27/12/2023 21:19

AnneValentine · 27/12/2023 21:18

Yes because she drunk drove. It’s never acceptable.

Show quote history

So because she drink drove, she has a drink problem? But if she never drove, then this drink problem suddenly disappears? That makes no sense

Edited to say, I have no clue why you’re highlighting the word ‘never’ in bold when I literally said the same thing…

OliveWah · 27/12/2023 21:20

Your poor children. Living on eggshells because of their Mother's abusive partner and their Mother not putting them first and removing the partner from their home. OP is hoping to get engaged to him? What a joke, can you even begin to comprehend the damage you're doing to your children, inflicting this "relationship" on them? And the drink driving; you are a terrible role model and need to do an awful lot better.

Ramalangadingdong · 27/12/2023 21:22

I think you must have married my ex. I wondered what became of him. By the way, my life is bliss without him.

Friedfriedplantain · 27/12/2023 21:23

OliveWah · 27/12/2023 21:20

Your poor children. Living on eggshells because of their Mother's abusive partner and their Mother not putting them first and removing the partner from their home. OP is hoping to get engaged to him? What a joke, can you even begin to comprehend the damage you're doing to your children, inflicting this "relationship" on them? And the drink driving; you are a terrible role model and need to do an awful lot better.

You may not be wrong but by god you're sanctimonious.
Let's hope you're as great as you clearly think you are.

LittleMissSleepyUK · 27/12/2023 21:26

Leave him. Whose house are you currently living in? It sounds toxic

ltappleby · 27/12/2023 21:26

Out of the blue he threw keys at you and told you to leave, because no one liked you. That would have been it for me. It doesn’t sound like there’s anything worth staying for.

MassiveOvaryaction · 27/12/2023 21:26

If you've all been "on eggshells for ages" why on earth do you want a ring from this manchild?

SteadyEddi · 27/12/2023 21:29

Should have walked or got a taxi rather then drink driving.

putting this aside why the hell are you with this awful bloke? He’s a poor role model to your children