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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I the asshole

179 replies

Nothappy1987 · 27/12/2023 19:51

I appreciate I may waffle and apologise.

me and my partner have had a mostly great relationship. However it is dwindling.
I have 3 children from a previous relationship, and he has 2. (Mine are 4-12, his are 16 and 18).
I put everyone first, my children obviously , and including him, his family, even his friends.
his father has recently passed away, and I have put everything on the back burner (including Xmas shopping for everyone- left until the day before Xmas Eve!!) so that I could be there, and be a shoulder to cry on. There have been a few occasions where he has been anything but nice… but I didn’t take offence due to his grief, and how he handles it. Still trying to hold his hand.
the funeral comes, 21st December, lovely service, hard day, everything going as ok as it could be. I’m there, I’m present, I’m holding his daughter’s hand at the grave side, I’m waiting in the cold with his relative as she waits for a lift in the blistering cold. Sitting with his mother etc. after a long day and lots of beer, we head back to stay at his mothers as she doesn’t want to be alone that night. Everything ok, obviously everyone is sad, but my partner just FLIPS - after I had administered his mums dogs medicine for a poorly ear. And I mean lost his ***, throwing the car keys at me telling me to leave because I’m not welcome. Nobody likes me. I clearly have to leave this house and did end up driving home, alone. (My children were staying with my family). Something I am not proud of and I know I shouldn’t have done but at the moment in time I felt only reasonable way of getting away. had a telling off from MIL the next day.

I still let this slide, he did apologise, but again grief etc.

fast forward Xmas shopping… I was due to go on my own and he said it would make more sense for him to come with and bring the kids. I explained it wouldn’t be a good idea as I would be rushed, and have to hide stuff and it just seemed like a hassle. I wanted to go first thing… he created merry hell and drew an argument out all day and when I gave in and said fine come, he said he couldn’t be bothered, and started drinking.

xmas eve… he tells me he needs to pop out shopping- clearly for me. I have been ‘expecting’ a ring for some time…. Something my partner has gone on about for months and months, and whilst his dad way dying he told
him to make an honest woman of me, so was expecting it even more.

he stops ‘for a pint’ on the way home in Xmas eve. Comes home blind drunk. My mum arrives after an hour drive… he’s throwing up in the toilet I’m trying to do ‘xmas stuff’ usual stuff.

Xmas day… present opening, and considering my last minute shopping due to everything I feel I did very well for him… a tool box on wheels he desperately wanted, a new coat, new electric toothbrush.

my turn… I got a crappy hooded blanket, which is so garish in colour covered in an awful pattern… really not me. And a pair of emoji slippers, again not me. That’s it.

i preceded to drink wine… its Xmas after all, with my mum, whilst prepping dinner, entertaining the kids. He sits in the chair, checking the turkey every now and then.

boxing day… mum goes home I ask for help tidying up, he sits in yhe chair ignoring me a except for making a dig that I got drunk yesterday!

he then stays In bed all day because I had a drink.

today…. He stays in bed til 12…. Comes down and says he’s got to look at a job (he is self employed so this is a normal thing) he ** off, so I go food shopping.
leave the shop and the car won’t start… I’m stranded in aldi car park, it’s pouring down. I call him, well I’ve just finished the job and I’m having a beer with my mate.
sat in the car park for 40 minutes before he came to rescue us. Not before he blames it on Me, u must of left something on in the car for it not to start… its never done it with him… this is his car btw he has been driving mine. He opens yhe bonnet and yhe alternator belt has snapped, so the battery isn’t being charged and the car is . He piles us all in the car whilst effing and jeffing.
drops us home, and * off to the pub. I won’t be long. 4 hours later im still sat here. Waiting again.
my poor kids, whilst happy, I feel sorry for them. We’ve been living on egg shells for ages, and now whilst they have everything they want for Xmas have been sat indoors since Xmas Eve.

sorry I know that’s long and there’s more to add probably but I’m rambling.

I just feel so sad. I feel not important. I feel disappointed

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 27/12/2023 20:24

Yes, you are being unreasonable to still be with him and expecting an engagement. At the very least for your children’s sake, leave him and stay far away.

BlackPhillipa · 27/12/2023 20:26

Wtf did I just read.

This isn't a relationship. Do you live together?

PinkiOcelot · 27/12/2023 20:27

You’ve said you and your children have been walking on eggshells! Why? You can make that decision for yourself but they can’t! Put them first and get rid.

I lost my lovely mam a few months ago. Not once did I treat anyone like that. His grief my backside. He’s just an arse hole!

return2sender · 27/12/2023 20:28

Your youngest is 4 but not his - how long have you been with him? Not that jt matters but sounds like a while if you have been speaking of getting married.

I think you know the answer to this one, tell him to get fucked.

I hope the house is yours. Change the locks. Get rid of him.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 27/12/2023 20:28

AFAIK grief doesn't make you a cunt... 2024 is the year you and your dc have a nice new life surely op? Or you are an accomplice to your dc living in an abusive environment.. If they tell a teacher how will you explain to ss their home life?

NalafromtheLionKing · 27/12/2023 20:29

No, he’s the asshole. I lost both of my parents (one as a teen, other in 30s) and never even thought of acting like this. One week off to grieve then straight back to uni/work.

Get rid.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 27/12/2023 20:29

You say your kids are happy, but in this environment that must be hard. I hope you can get away.

LinnieM · 27/12/2023 20:32

There’s nothing holding you down to this man. Just leave, it’s really not worth it. Grief isn’t an excuse to treat someone like shit. My guess is, this isn’t exactly out of character for him anyway

blacksax · 27/12/2023 20:33

Thank Christ he hasn't given you the expected ring. It will be a whole lot easier for you to tell him to fuck off.

Autumnleaves89 · 27/12/2023 20:34

Op what are you doing with him? Get him away from your kids as soon as possible. Prioritise their wellbeing

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 27/12/2023 20:35

I got as far as him throwing the car keys at you and hit the "Add post" button to say:

Leave the bastard. As soon as you can. This is violent abuse.

PlaidCushionProductions · 27/12/2023 20:36

…and you think a ring would have made all this better? LTB

Blanca87 · 27/12/2023 20:36

What are you subjecting your children to? Leave for god sake so the kids can at least enjoy some of the Christmas holidays without having to be subjected to walking on eggshells.

Blanca87 · 27/12/2023 20:37

Also I don’t understand why you are martyring yourself to him and his family.

Crunchymum · 27/12/2023 20:39

You both sound like a pair of alchies.

Sort your shit out. Lose the disgusting boyfriend and do better for your children.

Sparklehaze · 27/12/2023 20:48

I'm in agreement with pretty much everyone here, the 'relationship' is a loser. I'm sure you can do better. If I was in your position I would walk.

I lost my wonderful mum 2 years ago. I was still a perfect gent in all walks of life. If someone is brought up to be a good, respectful person then they will always be that, whatever the circumstances. I take every chance for my (now grown up) children to learn by example from me. Don't let your kids learn by example from someone like him.

RogueFemale · 27/12/2023 20:50

You are not the asshole, he is. Kick him out and stop drinking for at least a bit while you sort your life out.

Original poster
Nothappy1987 · 27/12/2023 20:52

I think that’s a bit uncalled for, based on what I have said, I had a drink at a funeral, and then had a drink on Christmas Day with my mum, who had driven an hour to stay with me… not really a reason to throw these judgments around. I work full time; my children are provided for, have everything they need for. I’m there for them regardless but to throw shame on someone who had a drink on two major occasions is pretty rubbish

OP posts:
Tbry · 27/12/2023 20:54

The moment the keys were thrown at you and you were sworn at was the end, he is an abusive man. You now need to build a new life with your children and put yourself first.

Angrywife · 27/12/2023 20:55

This bloke has shown you who he is on more than one occasion, believe it and leave. Pack his bags and throw him out, he doesn't get to treat you or your kids like that again unless you give him permission, remember that.

Tonight1 · 27/12/2023 20:56

Crunchymum · 27/12/2023 20:39

You both sound like a pair of alchies.

Sort your shit out. Lose the disgusting boyfriend and do better for your children.

Where did you get that idea from? What is wrong with you?

GenXisthebest · 27/12/2023 20:59

He sounds awful OP.

AnneValentine · 27/12/2023 20:59

Nothappy1987 · 27/12/2023 20:13

I will state that his mum
didnt have a go at me for leaving, she told em off for drink driving which is/was not acceptable

It’s more than unacceptable. Let’s make this what it is. You clearly have a drink problem and are taking zero responsibility for that.

AnneValentine · 27/12/2023 20:59

Tonight1 · 27/12/2023 20:56

Where did you get that idea from? What is wrong with you?

Show quote history

Because she is driving around drunk.

LuluBlakey1 · 27/12/2023 21:01

YABU because your concept of normal behaviour is unacceptable. You both drink too much and drive, you are both martyrs and both behave badly infront of your children- and you are 'waiting for a ring'.